This year of college I was asked to lead the worship music for my campus ministry. We’re a very small group, no more than 40 people each week with a completely acoustic music set, typically 2 guitars and some singers and if we’re lucky a cajon or piano. I had assisted for two years but didn’t lead. I love to play the guitar but I do not to claim signing as my spiritual gift, so the idea of leading as always made me uneasy. I recognized this eventually as a giant burden of pride that I put on myself – I feared the rejection from my friends, those who knew me most intimately. (Actually the people who already had all the amo in the world to reject me, ironically.) So almost EVERY WEEK on Wednesdays at 8pm I battled with the fear of rejection plus my desire for perfection in front of my peers, all while I was supposed to be leading them in praising the Lord who will never reject me and is perfect. (A very ironic battle indeed.)
Last night was sort of a culmination.
I practiced a lot this week so that this was definitely going to be fantastic, at least I told myself. Because after all it was my last week leading so it should be awesome. I would practice in my apartment and want to jump and get stuck in the air like Mario and Luigi – that’s how joyful and legit I felt.
During our full group practice an hour before worship we went through the songs smoothly and with ease, without any major hitches in tempo or pitch. I was feeling calm leading for the first time in a long time. When we reviewed the songs for the last time it was decided that one of the songs was definitely too low for most of the group. So we adapted and thankfully one of the interns could transpose it really quickly. However, now the music was in a different key and therefore different chords than I had memorized (like a rockstar) beforehand. This was a tiny wrench but I had confidence it would be fine.
The first song went fine. The second song came with all of its changes and I made an awkward timing mistake. It’s not that the mistake was that blatant, but when I do make a mistake I have such a hard time of not showing it all over my face and with my body language. When I made a second obvious and awkward mistake I literally contorted and I bet I looked like I was in pain. My friend singing next to me put her hand on my shoulder to steady and reassure me as we continued to sing. The third song wasn’t stellar either because I was distracted by my mistakes and just wasn’t playing my best. After that song we all sat to listen to the night’s talk from my campus minister.
I sat to the side and tried not to fume at myself. I prayed, “Lord, Lord… God… Why am I so hard on myself? Why do mistakes do that to me? Why can’t one week be great?” I dipped in and out of giving my full attention to my minister as he talked about Rahab in Jericho. Towards the end of the talk, the “promised land” was discussed. It was tied in because really we’re all prostitutes like Rahab to something – there is always something we will sell ourselves for to get assurance instead of trusting in God. Through our faith in Christ, the Lord will never be ashamed and reject us from the promise land. Truly we can have assurance that we are bound for the promise land.
What my minister didn’t know was that the last song I had chosen was On Jordan’s Stormy Banks. The song is famous for this wonderful echoing chorus that says, “I am bound (I am bound) I am bound (I am bound) for the promise land.” I selfishly chose this song because it is easy to play, popular with my friends and one of my favorites – I didn’t contemplate its wonderful words of assurance, or at least not recently. Like I said, this connection wasn’t planned by me or my minister. I could hear the Lord asking me to embrace being a crooked stick that can serve Him; to get over myself and my demand for perfection and embrace this assurance of the promise land through Jesus Christ.
Before we sang our final song, I explained what had happened in front of the group. I semi stammered through saying something like this: “I chose this song selfishly because it was my last time leading and it was pretty and my favorite. I didn’t care about the message, not a lot. Fritz sends me his sermon every week when I make the handouts but I don’t really read it often. So I didn’t purposefully connect this. But now I know that this is song that we’re supposed to sing because of its glorious words of assurance – that someday we as a crooked people can rest in the promised land. Truly we are bound.”
Last night I was a super duper crooked stick in the mud – consumed with myself. And he reached me there. As He always does.
