I was fully expecting not to be able to volunteer at the orphanage at all while here in Macedonia. I was fully willing to do anything in my power to volunteer, but I also wanted to be respectful to my host and to the orphanage – especially since it was the churches first open door into this ministry opportunity.
So, on Friday when my team got home from the orphanage and told me that Bilyanna was going to try and talk to them again on Monday about me volunteering – I was joyous, but I also didn’t want to get my hopes up.
Monday morning roles around, I woke up and got ready as if I was going to the orphanage. I listened to my morning podcast, ate breakfast, and sat downstairs while waiting for the team to get picked up. Bilyanna walked through the door and looked at me and said, “you ready to TRY and go today?”
Still hesitant about letting myself get excited, I jumped up, grabbed my stuff, and walked out the door. When we arrived, Bilyanna talked to the director of the orphanage (who bluntly told her I couldn’t go last time) and by the grace of God, the director said I could go into the orphanage!!
I wasn’t allowed to be in close proximity to the children Monday, so for the entirety of our time at the orphanage I pushed children around on a bike – with a lovely handle to let me keep my distance.
It was hard not to be able to show love on the children like my heart was desiring, but I was ever so grateful even to be in the presence of all of the children.
Tuesday I got to go to the orphanage again, as well as the old folks home, and it was simply perfect… My passions fulfilled, my heart pouring over – filled to the brim with Happiness and with Love.
We were inside the orphanage Tuesday instead of playing in the yard. We walked in, took off our shoes, and my eyes went straight to the babies. Tiny, crawling, giggling, babies. My heart was so full in that moment.
I wanted to love ALL OF THEM, but there were so many... I went and sat next to the crib/playpen in the corner – two infants inside. One with a huge smile on his face, right next to the bars – looking at me and longing for my attention. The other on his stomach, laying quietly away from the bars.
I stuck my hand through the bars and tickled the first little boy who had dark hair and dark eyes- he giggled the most adorable baby laugh, and smiled at me – eyes sparkling. I looked at the other baby and talked to him, he had blonde hair, blue eyes, and a pale complexion. He looked up at me – not sure of me just yet.
I stayed next to those two boys, conflicted with wanting to show them both all my love and attention – but realizing I only had two hands. As I sat playing with the two boys, multiple children would come up and try to steal my attention. They’d bring me a ball, sit on my lap, play with my hair – and I would reciprocate love and attention to them. I wish I could show you the picture of me playing with six children at once, but we aren’t allowed to post photos of the children online. I think the kids were attracted to my squeeky voice, or maybe the singing, and that’s why they kept coming up to me.
I feel beyond blessed that I could play with these children. That I could pour out the love I have for them, even though I just met them. God reaffirmed the desires of my heart by placing me in that orphanage. I feel like I came alive when I was surrounded by those children, and all I had to do was love them. I was made to love them, just as God loves them.
James 1:27 “religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world”.
I can feel that God has a heart for these orphans, and now I understand even more fully why He does. As soon as you get them to trust you, and show them affection – they instantly respond with love. It is like they have a storehouse of love waiting to be tapped into. They just need to be seen…
I’ve noticed that the children get really jealous of one another – even the tiny babies. As soon as they’ve given you their trust and shown that they want to be loved by you, they hope that you will just give them your undying attention. Longing to be the ONE child in your arms. The ONE baby you tickle.
It is difficult to have to place a child down – that your heart feels so much for, in order to hold the baby who hasn’t been held yet… The one that is sitting silently in the play pen, or that doesn’t normally get picked up first because they aren’t crying, so they just assume you don’t want to pick THEM.
But as soon as they realize you SEE them. You want to hold THEM. You want to spend time with THEM. Then, they have that instant pouring out of excitement and happiness.
I am rejoicing that I have been able to have this experience. That I was able to go to the orphanage multiple times already! I am praising God that I can show these children His love – but I also am praising Him that He allowed me to stay home last Friday. As much as I wanted to be there, as much as my spirit longed to pour love out. What God taught me that Friday morning is so powerful, and impactful in my relationship with Him – that I wouldn’t change it.
He brought me to a place of brokenness – and yet in that I still felt moved to praise Him. I still knew of His goodness. Where God is invited in, the devil cannot be. I fully believe that because I handed over the orphanage to the Lord – the devil couldn’t keep me from it. I chose God over the desires of my heart.
Instead of choosing to do what was in MY power to get me the desires of my heart, I trusted the Lord. I could have lied, I could have used a different teammates papers to get in… But that wouldn’t have produced fruit into my life. Instead, I chose integrity. I chose to trust that the Lord saw me, He knew my pain, and He would fight for me.
Just as those orphans long to be held, long for their cries to be heard – I longed for the Lord the fight for me, but I trusted Him enough to pray for His will over this situation. Knowing that He saw my tears, and heard the cry of my heart – I trusted that in His perfect will, the plans for me would be laid out. And if I didn’t get to go to the orphanage, it was because the Lord wanted to teach me something else, or mold me in a different way in THIS moment.
I can say with so much more understanding then before… Let go and let God. I truly feel like the Lord resolved this situation for me SO quickly, because I finally trusted Him completely.
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight”.
I pray that if you are wrestling with the Lord on something, that you give in to His power. I pray that you Trust Him to know you, and make the right decision for you. I pray that the understanding of His love pours down on you, and even if you don’t understand the reason WHY something is happening in the moment, that you’ll be strong enough in your faith to trust Him despite the circumstances.
Thank you all for reading my four part blog series! Macedonia has truly been something else. I’ll be posting about my transition into Africa next week. As for an update financially, I need $3,169 to be fully funded. Final deadline is December 31st. God is truly incredible. I know that I can trust Him to provide.
God Bless!
