LOVE! What is that even mean? As I was looking for the definition to the word, I realized there are so many. Let me just give you a glimpse as to what Love is and has meant in my life this far.
For example: Definition of love – Merriam Webster 1. (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties maternal love for a child (2): attraction based on sexual desire: affection and tenderness felt by lovers. After all these years, they are still very much in love. (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests love for his old schoolmates b: an assurance of affection give her my love 2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion love of the sea 3a :the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration baseball was his first love b (1) : a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address 4a : unselfish loyal and benevolent (see benevolent 1a) concern for the good of another: such as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person’s adoration of God 5: a god (such as Cupid or Eros) or personification of love 6: an amorous episode : love affair 7: the sexual embrace : copulation 8: a score of zero (as in tennis) 9: capitalized, Christian Science: God
You see, these are just a few. But in all what is the true meaning? So many interpretations and some just think it is overrated and there is no such thing. The bible shows us that God is Love. Here is one of the bibles definition:
1 Corinthians: 13. 4. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
1 Corinthians 13:13. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. –
In my experience, I tended to say, “I love you”, but did not really understand the concept of it or how you can just say it and not back it up. See growing up I had the feeling that nobody loved me and I was not good enough for the person(s). This feeling grew into resentment and slowly I built my walls. I never truly felt it and sometimes said it because I felt the person needed to hear it. Pretty selfish, but this was me creating this barrier between love and me. What I was wanting to avoid was getting hurt. People I really did love did not show it or give it back in return so I ended up shutting down. At least this is what I felt. These were walls and lies Satan had made me believe. He thought that if there was no love in me I would just hate everything. At some points in my life I did have so much anger and hate in which most people were not aware of. Satan had me so blinded. So you will understand, I will be vulnerable with you some. See for me it had not been easy to be open or like some may say put my business out there. This is not the time to share my business, but time to share what God has done in my life.
From what I know, I was born in El Salvador, Central America. My mom was at a very youthful age and was not the most responsible mother. My father left for America maybe when I was two and not around. I was left in the care of my dear grandparents and mom. Let me tell you my grandfather went and had an argument with my mom’s side of the family all because of me just so they could spend time with me (surprise, surprise). So, as I understood, I would spend one week with my mom and one week with grandparents. As crazy as it may sound to some, I remember only spending time with my grandparents but not with mom. I have heard you will always keep things that really impacted your life very present. Well that is me. What is strange and shocking to some, is the fact that I was under the age of three and remember my grandfather pushing me in a wheelbarrow and my grandmother dressing me up and doing my hair in ponytails.
These are very dear memories I never want to forget. They make me realize how loved I was even back then when I thought I was not. My aunt then took me to the USA at age three. I clearly remember a lot of things as well. When arriving to the US, I remember being asked who my father was and I knew exactly who he was. Crazy! I had not seen him and I knew exactly who he was. I remember always trying to get my father’s attention any way I could. From when I would ask him if I could sleep in his bed, to wanting to spend time with him when he was not at work or with his at the time girlfriend (now mom). I remember he would go on dates and I hated it. I hated the fact that he would leave me and spend more time with her. Why did I have to stay with my aunt? She was not my mom or dad. Why did my aunt have to hide me from my dad? Sounds like I was being a brat or just throwing a jealous tantrum. How could a child this young have so many emotions or anger? I did and I remember it very clearly. Now seeing back, all I was craving was attention. This created me into this mischievous and rumbustious little girl (hope God does not pay me back laugh out loud). I wanted someone to truly love me and have time for me. Someone to give me more time without sharing it. I desired that someone really be interested in me. As the time went by I just kept all those feelings bottled in and thought that if I just push them to the side and pretend to be happy, I would be ok.
Once my dad and step mom got married these feelings grew more. Now I would even have less of my dad, especially now that I was gaining siblings. I felt useless and unimportant. I felt like I did not fit anywhere. Like I had so many responsibilities that were not mine and I often questioned my purpose? I wondered why God had created me? I knew who God was growing up because I was raised in church since the age of 9 due to my parents becoming pastors, but did not really see his love. Sometimes because someone is raised in the church does not make you perfect or make you feel like you know it all or loved. Being in these shoes, I will tell you it is so much harder because everyone is holding you up to standards which are hard to meet. We are humans as well and Satan also attacks the family.
My family would tell me they loved me, but all I could hear was blah, blah, blah. Why did I have to be so sheltered? Why did I have to be responsible for my brothers who were not my responsibility? Why could I not have friends like the other kids? Why, why, why I would think. I became so bitter and angry that I felt like I could explode. As the years went by I learned how to cover those feelings. I would cry in my room and muffle the sound with a pillow so that nobody would know how much I hated my life. Then I would come out like if life was great.
This I have not told many, but I want you to know so that you can see where God has brought me from. There were many times I would scratch myself or injure my body where people could not see for the satisfaction of taking anger out. It felt like a relief at the time. I hated my life and found no point to it. I would always tell God that nobody loved me and nobody wanted me. Sometimes I wondered if he was even there. I felt like I was not good enough. I would look for love in wrong places and wrong people or even just things. I would find ways to distract myself and maybe feel important. Soccer in high school is an example. I joined the team to fit in and to maybe feel like I was somebody. I soon found out I was pretty good at it and it became my identity. Playing and being acknowledged would me make me feel good. Being on the yearbook, praised by my coach and team, what else did I need. I HAD the attention I wanted. I thought I had it made and did not need anybody. I now had this mentality that I did not need anyone and I could do everything on my own. Not even my parents help. I figured they never wanted to be part of my things so I did not need them. I tell you more times that I can remember my mouth got me in trouble because I would talk back a lot. It was a way of taking my rage out. Even though I was terribly scared of their punishments I thought I still did not need them. I became a good liar and would sneak out to things just to get away. After high school, I did not know what I was going to do because I found no purpose anyway. I ended going to Medical Assistant school just because and realized I was talented there. I enjoyed helping others even if I felt nobody could help me. I continued searching for love and never seemed to find it. People I grew to actually love let me down and then again gave up on it. Nobody knew the pain and emptiness I felt. I felt hope was lost and I would never find the happiness I was searching for. The years went by and I kept hearing that love does not exist or it is overrated. Deep inside I felt as if this was not all true. How can you really care for someone without having love? I was so confused. When I thought I felt love, it would get shut down or I could not express it.
I grew up so bitter and with so much anger built up in me which eventually turned into resentment. Like I mentioned before, I knew who God was and knew everything he offered, but I tried to find love and something to fill me up on my own. It really had become a norm to ask God what my purpose was. That was about it because I was not really seeking Him. I would ways put everything and everyone else before Him. There came a time in which I got to my lowest point and I asked God to please take away what I felt inside. I told Him that I could not live with so much anger anymore. I did not want to feel empty and I could not do it on my own. (Ding, ding, ding), those were the words God had been waiting to hear from me. All these years, I had been carrying all these feelings and burdens that I should have given Him.
I began searching God in different churches and in diverse ways. My cousin ended up inviting me to my current church now. A few times I would make up so many excuses as to why I did not want to go, even though deep inside I wanted to. I tell you what, when Satan knows something great is out to happen, he will do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to distract you. Whether it being, emotionally, physically, mentally, or even with day to day activities he does not want you to know the truth. After several invitations, I ended up going. I am so glad I did. Walking into this place brought me so much peace. I felt as if I could cry and nobody would judge me. I felt as if I was accepted for me and who I was. I even remember this lady ask me if I needed prayer or if I was crying because I felt the Holy Spirit. I could not hold back my tears or talk that I just showed her number two with my fingers. I felt something so special this particular day that left me craving more of it. I continued going to the church off and on. Not because of the church alone or to say I went to church. I went because I was actually finding that thing that was causing this emptiness to go away. It was a relationship with Jesus. It finally hit me that he was the answer I had been looking for. The passion and fire to get to know Him more on a person level grew so much. I continued seeking him. It has not been easy and I have still failed as a human. I cannot say I changed overnight because God is still working with me. But what I can tell you is that He has filled all the emptiness I felt before. He gave me hope. He gave me a true smile and he has been revealing my purpose in this world. I no longer need to be searching for love because I already have it. I had been so blind by Satan that I never saw it before. I now see love everywhere and I am madly in love with life. I see it in my family and friends. They have always been there for me. I let God in my life as my best friend and he has been showing me good things about me that I did not see before. I cannot change circumstances in my past but I do have control over my present. I have no regrets because it only made me stronger and helped me find this wonderful relationship with the Lord. I choose to let God lead me. I do not want to be one second, minute, hour, day, or year without his presence in my life. I heard a while back that helped change me, “sometimes your blessing is right in front of you, but you will never see it because you are holding on to that negative thing or negative person”. So true. My life has completely changed and I can now have a sincere smile and not fake it. I can tell people I love you and really mean it and not expecting anything in return. This love God has shown me I just want to pour out to others.
God has shown me TRUE LOVE. The one that does not ask for anything in return. The one which does not judge or has boundaries. GOD IS LOVE!! I can say I am so madly in love with him. This is the love that I have no shame screaming to the world. I cannot even express how much love this is. Even writing this gives me the goosebumps and makes me want to shed some tears of joy. I want everyone to experience this kind of love. He will not see your faults and will accept you the way you are. I did not need to do anything special to earn his love aside from letting Him in my heart. If you are struggling with emptiness or feel hopeless and not loved, God can show you how much He loves you if you just allow him. God wants to take your pain away and all burdens with it. He wants to date you and give you that hope you are looking for.
1 John: 3. 16. This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.
You are not alone and never have been. This year God has been doing a lot of healing in me. From making feel complete, showing me His grace, mercy, love, and helping me find my identity (Him). God has shown me so much and what I have learned the most about has been UNFORGIVENESS and RESENTMENT. These two are the top door openers for Satan to walk in. When we have these two we are bounded by the lies of the enemy and it is hard to see what God has for us or even to see the truth. I realize now how a couple years prior and even before coming to the race I had already began my healing process and breaking chains without knowing. I had to do some forgiving around me. To God first. To myself for allowing the things I did or said. And to the people I hurt or I felt hurt me along the way, even if they did not know it. These chains were being broken and I was beginning to feel free. Sometimes we ask God for forgiveness but deep inside we still feel bad and believe God really did not. That feeling of guilt just makes us feel the worst. What God sunk in my head the first month in Colombia was that his Grace and forgiveness is as true as his love. I remember in Colombia when I had the opportunity to cast out demons, God confirmed my forgiveness when I casted out a specific demon. It was something I struggled with in the past. As I casted out the demon from the woman, she was set free from what was tormenting her. What I learned after was that if I was not completely healed or forgiven from that situation, that demon would have spoken to me and questioned my authority. As crazy as this sounds it is completely true as I lived it. God had confirmed that I was indeed forgiven and I did not have to keep asking for forgiveness. Once we ask Him sincerely we are free from that bondage. Satan and demons are real. I will not give more glory to them and move on.
Being in Montenegro here in my month seven of this race, I have found what love looks like through God’s eyes. Majority of the country have never heard about God. If they have they really do not understand who God is. All they know is their pain. Being here has been hard to start a relationship with them. Aside from language being a barrier, when you try to speak to them about God or just try to hand out a bible, they do not want anything to do with you. It breaks my heart, but what God has taught me is to just Love the people. To see them through his eyes. To see beyond what is in front of me and see beyond the pain and what does not look so pretty. If we look a little further and deeper we will see true beauty. So being here has made me love more. Love is not a myth or overrated. If we could all love sincerely and see through God’s eyes we would all be much better people. But not only should we speak love but show it. Actions speak so much louder than words.
1 John: 3. 18. Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
Do not lose hope and seek the one who can truly give you what you are looking for. Let Jesus take your burdens and pain because he already died on the cross for you. How much more love can he show. We are not alone in this. We are all family and need to learn to love each other like Christ does. God has shown me my reason for being here and he has shown me that I was never a mistake. I LOVE God, I LOVE life, and I LOVE me. Yes, it all begins with loving God first and then loving yourself. You were created by God at his image. You are his masterpiece so do not ever doubt it.
Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
Thank you for reading and allowing me to be vulnerable with you. Know this was not easy to share and Satan was really attacking me through this. Forwarding to my present time, I want to say I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my family and friends. We are closer now than ever. I no longer say I love you because I have too, but because I feel it. I can say it from deep inside my heart and really mean it. I have learned to love expecting nothing in return. I have spoken about it before, but now I have a complete new perspective. I now know that God always saw me with loving eyes even when I questioned Him. He showed me I was looking for love in the wrong places. All He wanted me to do was stretch out to Him so that I could feel the warmth of his arms like a mother or father holds their child. I owe my joy and happiness to the Lord and all He has done for me. He has shown me my purpose and that is to share with the world his GREAT LOVE and to let people know there is hope. He has been with me the entire time. Even in the moments I felt nobody cared. He wants me to tell you to not give up even if everything looks gray. Just reach out to him like I did and do not miss out on what He is trying to show you. He will never let you down. Let go of pride and selfishness. That gets you nowhere. Let God have your burdens and your pain.
I hope you too can experience God’s love and joy in the way I have. HE LOVES YOU!
