I'm sitting alone in the common area of our small house, my thoughts consumed by a bitter sour taste. I've been sick on and off for weeks, and I'm tired. I'm tired of heat. I'm tired of white food. I'm tired of my sleeping pad. I'm tired of wearing my hair in an elastic. I'm tired of my three rotating outfits. I'm tired of bucket showers. I'm tired of bad internet. But mostly, I'm just tired. And I'm struggling to see the beauty in the last three weeks.
Malaysia has been a hard month. My hardest on the race thus far. It started with a bad virus that made me strangely sick. Fever, rash, altered state of consciousness, numb limbs and a swollen face. Ten days into the month, I started to get better, only to get sick again the following week.
Needless to say, I've had a hard time finding joy this month. I've turned a blind eye to the sweetness around me and struggled to appreciate what God has been teaching me in the midst of the mess. But that's not me. I see beauty everyday in the simplest moments and most ordinary things, so it shouldn't be hard for me to find it in Malaysia. But it has been.
Now I have three days to redeem this month. I have three days to choose joy and see the beauty around me. I have three days to ignore my desire to curl into a ball and sleep it away, and instead laugh with my teammates over an iced coffee.
I'm praying for God to show me what this month meant and what He needs me to remember as I walk out of it. I pray I remember the delicious iced Milo I sip each morning and not the times it didn't sit so well in my tummy. The light breeze in our back alley that gives a small respite from the heat, and not the sweat dripping down my feverish body. The tie-dye party with the neighbour kids, and the hospital visits that brought genuine smiles to the faces of those in desperate need of joy. Dancing toddlers in the aisle at church and the night we all went bowling and enjoyed wonderfully chilly air conditioning.
I know this month held far more sweet moments then sour, but sometimes the sour is blinding, and the sweet is hard to find. And that's when I turn to Jesus. When I need to remember He has me in a good and perfect place, no matter how hard it feels.
So yes, this month as been hard. My body took a beating. But it has also been good, full of life and experience. Now I get to spend the last few days in good health, seeking out the beautiful, drinking in the sweet.
