After spending the afternoon on the beach of Penang, Malaysia, we had just enough time to shower and grab a bite to eat before heading over to the Penang House of Prayer (PENHOP) for their Friday night service. (Coming on the Race, you know that there’s a good chance you’ll have a month where it’s easier to eat out every day and now that month has finally arrived. What better place to eat street food than in Asia!? And you learn really how far 4 USD a can go! Don’t worry, that’s 16 Malaysian Ringgit. But if you’ve ever eaten out multiple days in a row, you know that it does get pretty old. The luster of eating food on a stick and endless amounts of chicken and rice loses its sheen.) So, on this venture to Penang, another plate of nasi goreng (fried rice) just didn’t sound as appealing. Then the siren call of a toasted bagel with cream cheese drew us down the road to this hipstery bakery. You do not find bagels in Africa and Asia very frequently, so this was a treat!!
The man behind the counter sliced our bagels and stuck them in a brick fire oven that roared with flames. He handed me this warm brown paper package and off we went to PENHOP. Just a short walk down Love Lane and we’d reach our destination where an evening of worship and resting in the presence of the Lord awaited. But it was just far enough to not give into the hunger. I gently took out the top half of my bagel making sure to not squoosh the bag onto the exposed cream cheese on the the inside and bit into the bagel. It had the perfect ratio of crunch to softness. This wouldn’t be my normal choice for dinner but it was oh so right in the moment.
And that’s when the trouble started. Apparently I cannot walk, eat a bagel, carry the other half in the other hand and pick up my cardigan that’s starting to drag on the street. And as if in slow motion, the cardigan drifts off one way and out leaps my untouched second half from its brown paper cocoon… onto the street… cream cheese side down. With the assistance of Haley, I picked up my bagel, shoved it back in it’s former residence, grab my cardigan and continue walking to PENHOP.
I was struck with a dilemma. We’d spent the afternoon in the sea, and if you’ve ever gone swimming you know how hungry it leaves you, and now I was the owner of a cream cheese side down street bagel.
Eat it or toss it?
It cost 6 ringgit (over a third of my daily food budget!). It was still warm. It landed in the street. In Asia.
And then I encountered the first moment of the evening where I knew something was different. Yes, you guessed it. I scraped off the layer of street and ate it. Was it a proud moment? No, not really. Did I survive? Yup, there were no consequences from eating my street bagel. That’s why we get the Typhoid shot, right?
The second moment happened later that evening.
On the bus from Changloon to Penang I was preparing my heart for walking into PENHOP that evening. I knew that it was going to be a meeting between me and God.
You may or may not have noticed that there’s a little bit of a gap between this post and the last. Well, to say the least, it’s been an interesting couple of months. There have been good times and their have been some real hard times. I had great moments in Lesotho gazing out onto the magnificent mountain side (who knew I was a naturalist??) and in the Philippines while hanging out with the super great youth of Moriah Bible Baptist. Ministry has varied greatly and has been an awesome experience. During this time period I also stepped down and transitioned out of team leading. I learned that I lean on the love and validation of others more than the love of the Lord. His love is absolutely enough. I learned that I was operating out of position of depletion and not out of overflow. I learned that negativity sucks me dry. There were times that I felt like a failure and times of such joy (I celebrated my thirtyfirth [31th] with really great people!).
One of the hardest parts of the valley I was walking in was feeling like I wasn’t hearing from the Lord. I’d pray and it would be silent. I’d pray on the behalf of others and it would be silent. It was getting old. The valley also didn’t produce any words for blog writings, either.
So, there I was at PENHOP completely tired and frustrated. I just wanted to hear from the Lord. So I threw up my hands.
I gave it all up.
All my hopes.
All my dreams.
All my desires.
All that my heart longs for, including promises that the Lord has made me about my future.
I gave it all up.
None of those things are worth it if they aren’t what the Lord desires for my life, including the promises. If the promises were standing in the way, I was willing to give them up. I wanted my Lord more than anything else in the world.
The Lord is so sweet and pretty funny sometimes. He didn’t leave me in the place of brokenness and empty handed for long. Soon after I prayed this prayer, the speaker got up and share that she felt like there were people in the room whose hearts were hindered by unfulfilled hopes and desires but that the Lord is faithful and will be faithful on what he promises. Oh that’s good. Your steadfast love is so true. You are the keeper of promises.
A day or two later, it hit me. “Oh. That’s surrender. Obviously. But hadn’t I done that before? Isn’t that what I did when I signed up for the Race? I’ve been in this place before.” Yes, that’s all true but sometimes we have to hit recalibrate. It’s not uncommon for big fancy machinery to need to recalibrate. If the instruments are off by the smallest fraction, it’s not going to operate at it’s maximum capacity. What makes us think that when we’ve shifted our alignment, even the tiniest bit that we don’t need to be recalibrated? I want my mark to be Jesus. Even if takes giving up everything else.
So what did the bagel have to do with anything? Well, I’m not quite sure but I each day I see different parts of me that are changing. I’ve said several times in the last month that I miss the old way that I operate, I miss the old me. But a wise coach told me that the new me is going to be better than the old me. I’m looking forward to see what that looks like. Guess I just needed a little recalibration.
BAGEL PROOF: Yup, that is look of slight mortification, but it did happen.
