The World Race is like a spiritual and emotional pressure cooker for growth with the Lord. In the (almost) 6 months that I have been on the field there is so much that the Lord has already brought into the light and has started walking me through. With 5 more months left I know that this is just the beginning of growth. I’ve been learning a lot about myself. I’ve been learning that there are things about me that actually go much deeper than surface level. They actually reveal a lot about who I believe myself to be, which sometimes contradicts who God says I am. One of these things that I am learning is that it is ok to fail.
The Lord has been bringing up this idea of failing a lot since I have stepped into a role as team leader. For the past couple of months, I have unknowingly been carrying a weight and pressure that I put on myself to never fail, and I feared the possibility of failing. Since the beginning of this month, however, through the Lord’s grace I have felt that weight lifted off my shoulders.
Since coming on the Race the Lord has grabbed my attention in tangible ways. Unlike an unwanted thought that I could just push aside or ignore, these tangible ways are things the Lord brings to light that cause a reaction in me. They point inwardly and reveal a lot in the way I react. His most recent attention grabber was not my best or favorite moment on the World Race, in fact it is probably one of my least favorite.
Once our week-long squad debrief in Thailand was over, we packed up all of our things and went to the bus station to go to Cambodia. Upon arriving to the border at Poi Pet, Cambodia we had to wait in long lines. First we were in a line to officially depart from Thailand, then we were in a line to pay for and receive visas for each of our 6 teammates, and then we were in another line to officially arrive in Cambodia. In the hustle and bustle of our travel day and all of the chaos of moving from one place to a bus to another place to two more buses, I didn’t notice until later that evening that I couldn’t find my team wallet; it was missing, not in my bag.
The wallet was gone.
After pulling apart my bags, searching high and low, calling the bus we were on, and trying to remember when, where, and how I placed my bag throughout the day, it was no where to be found. The team wallet, which held $500 of emergency cash from Adventures in Missions and my team leader credit card, was taken.
Although I am pretty sure that it was taken, I don’t know completely what happened, and that’s the part that is the most frustrating: I can’t say with full confidence what happened to the money other than it is gone, and it was my responsibility.
In my mind, I had failed.
However, I believe the Lord used this moment to show me how far I have come in being ok with failing or making mistakes and instead of beating myself up about it accepting the grace and forgiveness from others that comes with it. I really think that if I had lost the money in month three or in the beginning of month four then I would have totally crumbled having seen that as an absolute fall-flat-on-my-face kind of failure. The Lord knew that I needed something tangible and totally evident to be seen outwardly as a failure to make me realize that failure is a part of growing, failure is a part of learning, and failing at something does not make me a failure.
I realized in this unfortunate and frustrating mishap, that my fear of failing reflects my need to please people. However, I know that mistakes are normal and are part of what make us human. I learned and realized that I won’t fall apart when mistakes happen because it’s a part of life, and most importantly, it doesn’t change my position in Heaven. Failing isn’t my identity, so when it happens (because it will happen) I can find rest in the truth that it’s not who I am. My failure doesn’t define me, and life goes on. Especially with my current money situation, in light of the Kingdom it’s nothing to make a big fuss about.
I just pray that whoever has it now really needed the money; that they are being blessed by it in ways beyond what I can see. I pray that whoever has the money now is learning just as much from the Father through this situation as He has taught me through it.
