I was laying in bed this morning under my mosquito net next to Christy (romantic, I know) in our closet-sized room listening to my i-pod before I had to crawl out from under my bunk bed cave to face Kiminini for the day. I must admit, I was dragging this morning. Ok, actually, I’ve been dragging every morning since I’ve been here. It’s been hard for me to get out of bed every morning. I don’t want to be here. I’m exhausted. The past 8 months are seriously wearing on me. I feel like I have nothing left to give. I miss the comforts of America. Not necessarily nice, luxurious things, but the simple things like peeing while actually sitting down on a toilet seat, running water, and eating something besides carbs for every meal. I’m drained from walking around with the social workers to different schools and having teachers ask me in front of precious orphans “So, what are you going to do for them?”
“Prayer and love” is always my response, but they don’t want to hear that. They want tangible things, and I have nothing to give them. I know Jesus is enough, but I also haven’t been in there shoes. I don’t know what it’s like to be an orphan and needing basic necessities like food and clothes. I don’t know what it’s like to go to school hungry, smelly, and wearing dirty clothes. “I’ll pray for them” seems like a cop-out. They see white skin and see money, food, clothes, gifts, hope. I’m overwhelmed. I can’t do it all, but I feel the weight like it’s all on me.
The race isn’t what I thought it’d be. Not bad, just…different. It’s hard for me to write this because I want everyone to think I’m having the time of my life. And most of the time, I am, but right now it’s hard for me to remember that. I want my supporters to be proud of everything I’m “doing” that they’re helping to be a part of. I want future racers to read awesome blogs like I did before the race saying “Go on this adventure! It’s the best thing ever and it’s going to change your life for the better”! And I do believe it will, but I can’t fake it right now. It sucks.
As all these things were racing through my mind, I heard the words that were blaring (I turn the volume on full blast to block out all the noise) from my headphones by United Pursuit Band…
“There’s no place I would rather be
than here in Your love”
I giggled to myself at first and thought “yea right, there’s about 8,000 other places I’d rather be right now”. I put the song on repeat and kept hearing those words over and over again. That’s a bold and powerful statement to say there’s absolutely no other place in the world I would rather be than in the arms of my Maker. I thought about those words all day long.
I realized that those words are so true, regardless of my negative attitude right now. I feel like there’s always going to be “somewhere” else I’d rather be in the physical aspect. When I was in Asia, I wanted to be in Africa. Now that I’m in Kenya, I’m ready for India. I’m ready for home, Williamsburg, but I know after about a month there I’m going to be itching to get somewhere else. When I was in Tuscaloosa, it was the same thing…I was ready to just move, to be somewhere else.
What’s wrong with me? Why have I never been completely content with where I am? Is that normal? I feel like I’m the only person I know that’s so all over the place all the time.
Don’t get me wrong, I love where I come from and all of the places I’ve been blessed to travel and live. I grew up in a beautiful and amazing town, got to go to an awesome out-of-state university, had a wild time studying abroad in Australia and I’m now on my 8th country out of 11 over the course of one year. I’m always on the move, and while I have an absolute blast doing it, it seems I’m never quite satisfied, like I’m always ready for what’s next.
I’ve been really convicted lately on why I am always wanting to move on. It’s not about where I am physically, and I definitely don’t want my physical surroundings to determine my happiness. I needed to hear those words that morning to get to the deeper meaning of what I’m really feeling and why.
There is no place I’d rather be than in God’s arms. I don’t care where I am physically, because really, there is no better place. And I know that is trust because I’ve been on the opposite end of that spectrum quite a few times. Once I let that reality sink in, I know my fluttering spirit will settle down and take it one day at a time. I want to praise God wherever I am whether it’s in Africa or America…or somewhere else. My physical circumstances will not be the determining factor of my joy. And that’s a choice I have to make daily, and it’s not an easy one.
While I do feel tired still, I know that I’m right where I’m supposed to be for this season in my life. I want to know what’s in store for me after the race. Other people know, why don’t I? I’ve been so focused on the negative lately, that I haven’t been worshiping God for everything He’s given me, which is too much to even list.
I was brushing my teeth outside the other night, and looked up and saw the most beautiful night sky I’ve ever seen. I’ve never felt so close to the stars as I do here. During the day, the sky is the brightest blue I’ve ever seen and everything else is vibrant green. The sunsets and sunrises seem magical. I get to hold beautiful black babies everyday.
It’s easy to be joyful when our circumstances rock. I am choosing to get my comfort from trusting in God, because He knows way better than I do what I need. And right now, I trust that this is what I need. His plans are so much better for my life than mine ever will be, and that’s a beautiful thing.
