I never expected to finish this out here. I never thought India would be the place where these old demons would finally sing their last hoorah.
But something about working with (special needs) orphans this month has stirred thoughts and old memories. Something about being around innocent children who’ve been abandoned by their parents reminds me of my childhood. Reminds me of him.
Years later I still can’t imagine what it was like for my Dad (John) to turn away from my older brother and me. I
can’t fathom what he must’ve thought or felt to have the nerve to walk away from his children. My parents divorced when I was 4 years old. Though my Mother has always been there for us, my Dad stopped coming around when I was about the age of 7. As I struggled to accept the rejection of my Dad along with the love of my Step-dad (Frank), the sweet notion of being “daddy’s little girl” eluded me. Though it was something I desperately longed to be…
At the age of 14, during an awkward, surprise reunion at an ice cream shop I worked at, I saw him (John) for the first time since the age of 7. During his 7-year absence, I had often wondered what he looked like. How much I was like him. If he still thought of me. I had often wondered if I’d ever “run into” him, and then it happened. Sadly, I haven’t seen him since that day. Yet that surprise meeting turned my whole world upside down – emotionally and spiritually – in ways I can’t give adequate time to express right now. That moment became a major turning point in my life – a turning point for the worse – that is just now being fully redeemed.
Over the course of 20-some years, I tried hard to make sense of it all. I tried hard to fill the void of his absence with the affections of boyfriend… after boyfriend. I tried hard to “fix” the things I thought made me unlovable to him. But… what I’ve discovered after the long process of healing that God’s taken me through is that my Dad (John) just didn’t know how to love me well. He was young. Immature. Human…
Any remnant bitterness within me has been replaced by a genuine forgiveness and understanding. The truth is, my Dad deserves just as much love and grace as the rest of us. And so do the parents of these orphans. They’re broken people – just like us. They’re wounded people – just like us. They’re imperfect and thus incapable of loving well – just like us.
Because loving well is something that cannot be done apart from Jesus. And over the last 2 years of my life Jesus has brought so much redemption to my life. In fact, He’s brought so much redemption that I’ve felt a desperate desire to tell my Dad (John) that I’m not upset with him. That I completely forgive him. That I long for him to be free from the burden of guilt or regret. And right before leaving on the Race, I searched for his home address, in hopes of sending him a letter to express all of this to him, but I couldn’t find it. But it’s time for me to finally say what’s on my heart, and given the circumstances, this is the best way I know how.
Dad (John), if you’re out there… if somehow this makes it to you, before it's too late to tell you… I want you to know that I forgive you. I love you – and so does your Daddy in Heaven. You are forgiven; you are free, Dad! The life you couldn’t give me, God has. And I’m doing so well; it would make you smile. So, please, Dad, walk in freedom, knowing that God has used everything for His good. What once was shattered is now restored, and our relationship – even in its nonexistent state – has been redeemed through Him. Wherever you are, Dad, I send you love… and grace.
I believe… if the orphans (at Sarah’s Covenant House) could talk… they’d say the same thing to their parents. The truth is… despite our circumstances – despite our stories or wounds or imperfections… we all have one great Daddy (God) in Heaven who adores us! A Daddy who understands that we’re not perfect. A Daddy who loves us anyway. A Daddy who looks upon each of us with mercy and grace. A Daddy who redeems everything. A Daddy who holds a special place in Heaven for the orphaned. A Daddy who sent His beloved son, Jesus, to pay the ransom for our salvation and freedom! That’s love, my friends… real love.
We’re all His sons and daughters — each and every one of us. And every daughter… Daddy’s Little Girl.
**I feel compelled to mention that God has gifted me with an awesome step-dad (Frank) – who – let’s be honest here – has truly become my Earthly Daddy. He’s always been there for me; He’s still there for me. And I just so happen to have a rock star mom!
Mom and Dad, I love you so much! Thank you for always supporting me. Thank you for sticking by my side. Thank you for all your sacrifices. Thank you for loving me well. I couldn’t ask for better parents!
Love,
Your Girl
