Beginning the last week in September, which was my last week in Pretoria, South Africa my mindset began to change. I began to question myself. I began to question why I’m on this trip. I began to question the purpose of the gospel. I began to question existence. I began to question the point in it all. I began to question the reason for bringing God glory. I began to question trying to reach the lost. I began to question God. I began to question His purpose. I began to question if I really know God. I began to question His closeness to me. Most of all, I began to question His love me as His son.
I was sick and tired of only knowing God based off of what I have been told by people. I was sick and tired of saying I knew God. I was sick and tired of God supposedly showing Himself through people, books, sermons, etc. I was sick of God having to use a medium to communicate to me. I was sick of God not showing Himself to me as God. I was sick of being fake and pretending like I was okay.
I spoke to my squad leader Alexandra about all this, and thus began the process; the process to figure out why this was happening. I started out with not reading my Bible because Scripture had just been words to me with no real significance; and I wanted to know God for God and hear God for God. I just started being real with God, telling Him how I was feeling and just letting it all out as often as I could. As I said, I was sick of being fake; so I decided to be the complete opposite and just pour out my emotions to Him. At the same time though, I didn’t really know if He would actually even care to hear me. I wasn’t experiencing God as my Father as I had been told so many times I could; in turn I doubted His goodness and love for me. After many conversations I came to figure it out, or rather God revealed it to me.
I am a black and white person; I’m very practical and think realistically. When questions or doubts arise, I instantly turn to my intellect trying to solve the problem and figure out the answer within myself. Not that any of that is bad, because God actually created me that way, but I was just using it the wrong way. God worked through my intellect to reveal to me that I was just being stubborn. I was placing myself above God, thinking that I deserve the right to know all the answers. If I ever figure everything out about God, then He is no God at all.
About one week into my new location in Cape Town for month two, I went to Alexandra in brokenness for another conversation in regards to this. Through this conversation of her giving me encouragement that I am a son of God, that He does care about me, that He does loves me, and simply just speaking life into me I realized that I just needed to let go. My devotional which I actually started reading again spoke on the same concept as what she told me. I needed to let go of my control. I needed to let go of my arguments and doubts. I needed to let go of my “right” to question God’s ways and just allow God to be God in my life. And that’s exactly what I did. To end the conversation Alexandra and I prayed and I instantly felt joy; real joy, for the first time in about two weeks. I couldn’t deny that it was from the Lord. When I just simply let go and let God (sorry for the Christian cliché; I hate them too), He came through and wrapped me up in His arms. I now know that God is my Father who loves me. I will go to Him with my questions from now on, and even if He doesn’t answer them, that’s okay because He is my Father and He knows what’s best for His son. After all, He gave me the gift of life, what else can I do but listen, follow, and love Him as my Father?
P.S. Through people, songs, messages, situations, signs, and the Bible is how God speaks to His children, but most of all though, He speaks directly to us. We are His children and can hear His voice. God can choose to speak to us through anything He pleases. So many times we limit the way we think God will interact with us. When we do that however, we put God in a box. God cannot be put in a box, and sooner or later He will burst out of the one we try to put Him in, all because of His love for us.
