Warning: Vulnerability ahead!!
Sawatdi ka! I live in Thailand now. It has been two weeks and the race is amazing! This new community is so good! They are fun, uplifting, and so inspiring. Thankfully, I eat pad thai and get to explore this amazing city every day. The temples are gorgeous and the locals are so friendly. My teammate Claire and I are planning on bungee jumping this weekend. I even saw a monkey on the way home from ministry the other day. Sometimes, it’s so perfect that this life feels like a fairy tale.
I think it is important to realize that the race is still real life though. I still spend money like the baller I am not. I still rant about factory farming at every meal. I still put my headphones in to listen to emo rap and cry. I make lots of impulsive decisions, like the nose ring I got last week and do not regret. Truthfully, part of what drew me to the race was the abandonment of it all. Leaving America along with all my feelings and problems. I wanted to take a break from American materialism and unnecessary societal pressure to go college. While I have managed to accomplish that aspect, I thought I could embark on this adventure and forget about the weight of expectation, the heartbreak of high school relationships, and a multitude of other issues. Somehow, I believed I would wake up in Thailand without struggling with numbness or deflection, like the label “missionary” would put me above reality. The world race is not an escape from life though. In fact, it pushes you to engage with life without all the surplus and distraction. It sounds beautiful, but it’s exhaustingly difficult. I am still me and sometimes life still sucks. And it is only month one. I can imagine that there will be times when the race gets much more difficult. I am on the front end of this journey. Broken; but, I am expectant.
I have full faith that God will show up. I am so excited for healing and growth. The really sweet thing about this journey that I am on is that I am seeing glimpses of true freedom. In this lack I feel, I find God. Instead of filling the chasm with mindless or reckless activities, I press into the uncomfortable feelings I have always avoided. Coming from a culture so obsessed with instant gratification, this is no easy task. I pray about what is bothering me and try to understand why it might be bothering me. I talk about it with my team and my friends at home, which is something that is taking a lot of courage for me to do as someone who likes to avoid hard truths. I am living in a place where I can begin to acknowledge my insecurities and totally embrace myself. That includes my mistakes and my not-so-great qualities. I am not only empowered by my new friends, but I am also learning that God is a God for me.
He is a God for everyone. He is a God for all personalities, lifestyles, and tragedies. He meets us where we are. You do not have to strive to reach Him. It should also be noted that God is ultimately more powerful than I can ever be. His plan will be executed whether or not I am whole or not. He takes broken vessels like me and uses them for His kingdom. That means I can express my heart and hurt to him without feeling ashamed. If God is okay with me and can still use me in this season, I can be okay with me. I can feel confident in my transition. I am not prefect. I am not even close, but I am on the horizon of breakthrough and that is crazy fantastic. I don’t know how God will do it or when, but I trust that He is good and has a plan for this next season of my life.
Thank you for reading:)
