During my fast, (refer to previous blog), I prayed a dangerous prayer to see through God’s eyes and let my heart be broken for what breaks His. Well He answered that prayer, and life got a little more difficult to handle. It’s been amazing but exhausting. Beautiful but painful. Liberating but heartbreaking.
The day that my fast ended, I went out for our daily prayer walk through Sombor, Serbia. I had this great plan to go sit in this courtyard in town where I have sensed so much darkness and spiritual oppression each time I walked by it. I wanted to go claim this space in the name of the Lord and drive out the darkness. But I had already gone there and prayed that prayer before. God already did that, and (as per usual in my life) He had a different plan for me.
I arrived at the courtyard and saw a few people sitting on the benches. As I sat down to begin my prayer, out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone digging through the dumpsters in the corner of the courtyard. She began to walk to the other end of the courtyard, and then I saw her pushing a stroller. Sitting in it were a 3 year old and an 18 month old. My heart sank. I got up and hustled over to her.
“Dobor don.” I wished her a good day. Once again, God brought me to someone who understood no English. I made a motion of putting food in my mouth and pointed to her to ask if they wanted food. As we walked, I told her my name was Isaiah, and she told me she was Savana. I led her to a sandwich shop and ordered some chicken sandwiches and waters. The food would take about 15 minutes, so we waited on a bench outside. As we sat there, I tried to make her children smile and laugh. I tried to make her smile too, which was much more difficult.
She began to breastfeed the 18 month year old. I looked away and finally began to notice the people around us walking by. I saw judgmental stare after judgmental stare; people walking by looking at the four of us like we were crazy and filthy. I had to fight back tears. I felt especially guilty for all the times I was the person walking by.
We got the food and walked back over to the courtyard. Savana and her kids began eating, and I began praying. I looked again at Savana and noticed that her left arm was covered in scars, wrist to elbow, from self-harm. Again, my heart sank. I sat in silent prayer, feeling powerless to help them.
I finally mustered up the strength to point to her arm. I placed my hand on my heart and said “Me, also.” I showed her scars of my own. My heart was breaking. I knew all too well those feelings of desperation and worthlessness, like all the pain in your life is all your fault. She spoke a few words in Serbian, and I only understood “We have nothing.” I couldn’t handle it. I began to wonder what her story was. What happened to leave her with nothing, but two innocent children and scars from her painful past.
I was tempted to ask God why he allows such things to happen, but He told me “You are here.” I still felt so powerless. I wanted to save them from their situation and help them heal, but only God can do that. All I could do was buy them some food, give them a smile, and show them that someone cared and loved them. I asked Savana if I could prayer to “Bog” for her. I laid my hand on her shoulder.
“Lord, I don’t know what to do. I can only lift Savana and her kids up to you. Lord I beg that it is your will to help them. Lord, I don’t understand why some much pain and struggle can fall on someone, but I pray that it ends. Lord I pray healing over Savana. I ask that you heal her soul, and that she doesn’t have to feel this pain or need to harm herself. I pray for her children, Lord, you protect their innocence and lift them out of this situation. Lord, please show me what to do or what to say to help them. I pray that she can somehow understand these words, that she can know that you love her and feel it in her heart. I pray that she knows she is seen and not forgotten and that things can get better. Lord, I thank you for bringing me here today, so I could try to show them love and make your name known to them. Lord, please let it be your will to help them and lift them out of this pain and struggle.”
I tried to ask if she would follow me back to the church so that someone could translate and let her know that she is loved. She refused. I insisted. She refused. I shook her hand and said, “Isus te voli. Jesus loves you.” I smiled and began to walk away. I immediately started bawling my eyes out. I cried and prayed and asked God to help, to do something.
I had seen similar situations before, and I know I will again, but this one broke me. I saw Savana through God’s eyes and it destroyed me. I knew the pain and desperation that it takes to harm your own body. I felt all her pain and it broke my heart. Again, and again, for days. I will never forget her scars, her face, her children’s faces. It will never stop breaking my heart, and I pray that it doesn’t.
This is why I’m on the World Race. My heart breaks for the pain of God’s people. Only, now I felt helpless that I couldn’t do more for her. I knew I would never see her again, and it depressed me that I couldn’t share the good news of the gospel or provide a way out of their suffering. It brought me down for days, and I didn’t know how to feel better.
Fortunately, God had a plan for that too. A few days later my team, Ahava, got to travel to a different village and help out with a day of kids camp. It was just what I needed: a day of being a little kid, playing games, jumping on the trampoline, throwing nuts with my feet, and getting tackled into a kiddie pool by a swarm of children. My soul was happy and my heart was full.
At the end of the day, I was having a conversation with the pastor. He talked about his ministry, and how he has had peace about it the past two years. For many years he was stretching himself thin and trying to tackle too many tasks. He said that God gives us this heart of compassion for His kingdom, and we have this desire to try to accomplish everything. Even when we include God in that vision, we still put too much on our plate trying to save the whole world. He talked about Jeremiah and Isaiah. In their time, they were so faithful to the Lord, but hardly saw any fruit or result from their work. God even told Jeremiah that he couldn’t find three good men in that time.
The pastor said that he finally understood that God calls us to be faithful, even if we don’t see the fruit of that faithfulness. That God wants us to focus on the one small thing that he puts in front of us each moment and rely on Him for help with it. For the pastor, it looked like finding his true calling on what ministry to create and serve. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
I began to think about Savana and her kids, and I felt peace. God brought me to her that day. It wasn’t random. It wasn’t an accident. He brought me there to do exactly what I did. I gave them food, showed them love, and prayed for them. I was faithful with the situation that God brought me to in that moment. He didn’t call me to give them a home and a job and a new life, even though that’s what I wished I could do.
I won’t ever see Savana again. I won’t ever see if their lives change. I won’t be able to provide any more help or food. I won’t be able to see the fruit of my faith that day. But I will continue to love them. I will continue to pray that God is working in them. I may not ever understand why they were struggling in pain, but I will never forget the pain I felt for them. All I could do, I did, and now I pray in faith that our all-powerful God will intercede on their behalf with love and healing. I honestly don’t even know if that will happen. I wasn’t called to understand; I was called to have faith and love. It’s all we can do, and God says that it’s enough. He will take care of the rest.
