TESTIMONY
On Sunday morning we discussed who would share their testimonies at church later that night. I have shared my testimony (in part) before, so I volunteered knowing I felt comfortable doing it. We had a great lunch celebrating our squad mate’s birthday, but the whole time I was stressed out about sharing my story in a few hours. I was very confused as to why I felt this way, so I skipped out on getting gelato (incredibly difficult decision because Sombor has perfected frozen treats) to go back to the church and prepare.
I had shared my testimony (in part) before, why was I getting so nervous this time? I sat down in prayer and eventually figured out why. God wanted me to remove the (in part). There were elements of my story that I had never shared with anyone before. I felt like there was no point in even sharing my testimony if I didn’t tell the whole story. So I began writing.
(I am going to try to upload a video of me speaking in the near future)
My Testimony:
The Lord called me to follow Him when I was 8 years old. People told me when I was young that God had great plans for me. I believed this, and even as a young kid, I expected a whole lot of myself, and I knew I was a leader. But, even at a young age, the enemy was working hard on me. The closer I grew to God, the more Satan attacked and tempted me. At age 9 I knew I was a leader, but I was already a slave to my sin and leading others into sin. I was one of the first to teach friends cuss words. I was one of the first to show friends porn. I was one of the first to use drugs and alcohol. At just 13, I was on a terrible path, and because I knew Jesus, I knew I was doing wrong. I started to feel so much shame and guilt that I was drowning in it.
At 13 years old, I believed that I had already messed up so much that I couldn’t be loved by God anymore. I knew this wasn’t true, but I couldn’t believe it wasn’t true. I began to hate myself. A lot. I couldn’t look at my friends without feeling shame and guilt, so I ran. I ruined my friendships and ran from them, so I wouldn’t have to deal with anything. Now I felt alone too. I alienated myself. I couldn’t believe people loved me, and I couldn’t believe that God loved me. I decided that I would always hate myself. I have scars all over my body from self-harm and cutting. At 13 years old, I wanted to die.
I wanted to die. God wanted me to live. I got really good at putting on a happy face and pretending that I was fine. I was walking through life without actually living it. It wasn’t all bad as I got older. By the time I was 18, I had rebuilt friendships, learned to find some joy in life, and repaired my relationship with Christ. Things were pretty good, but I still has a hard time believing they were. I still felt like a failed Christian, but things continued to improve.
My faith and state of mind were in a solid place as I started college. It felt like a fresh start, and a chance to make changes in my life. Once again, I found myself in a place of leadership. Once again, I found myself leading others into sin. All of my old habits and patterns of thought returned. I began to feel like I was failing everyone, and I began hating myself again. I started to seriously question why I was alive since I just kept messing up.
One weekend in Atlanta, Georgia, I was drunk on whiskey. I stood at the corner edge of a tall building. I cried and cried, and I wanted to jump. I wanted to die.
God wanted me to live.
I stepped away from the edge of that building and decided I would try to make things better. The following months were full of pain, heartache, and a desperate desire for healing. I was at rock bottom and I tried to climb out on my own. As I returned for my junior year of college, I spent a period of 262 days without sobriety. I was addicted to anything that would numb the pain of my shame and guilt, and keep me from having to deal with it. I made mistakes, I hurt people, and I messed up lives. I was so lost that I couldn’t hate myself, because I had no idea who I even was anymore.
I cried out to God: “I don’t know if you still hear me. I’ve hurt, and I’ve doubted, and I’m not sure if I even know you exist. I’ve run so far from you, but I can’t run anymore. All I’ve done is mess up and ruin my life, so just take it. I don’t know what to do anymore, so I’m giving up. Either use me or take me.”
I left college, gave my life back to Jesus, and began to rebuild my relationship with Him. I knew once again that Jesus loves me and forgives me without end, but forgiving myself was a different story. I had believed for so many years that I was broken, mentally ill, and unusable. I constantly craved the Father’s love, but I couldn’t believe that I actually had it in spite of everything that I had done.
Then Holy Spirit spoke to me through prayer. He led me to Romans 8:38-39. He reminded me that I always had God’s love and nothing at all could ever take that away. No force or action or feeling. He began to heal my spirit and my mind of believing that something was wrong with me mentally. I began to believe and realize that God loved me so much that He allowed me to run away from Him, just so I could run back to Him and truly understand that love and forgiving grace. I had to believe that I was forgiven and healed before I could actually feel like I was forgiven and healed. He allowed me to go through so much sorrow and suffering, so that I would be able to tell this story and bring healing to others.
God wanted me to live.
I finally shared my full testimony. Sunday night at church I was the last of three people to speak. We shared our stories of Christ’s healing power, and 7 people stood up to either follow Jesus, or renew their spirit and relationship with Him. We shared our stories, and lives will be changed because of it.
This isn’t a vacation. This isn’t a service trip. We aren’t roaming the world to provide a month’s worth of assistance that won’t actually create change. We aren’t trying to Americanize the world or change anyone’s heritage. We are growing the Kingdom. We are following Jesus to 11 countries in 11 months sharing our stories of how Christ has changed our lives, so that He can be made known and change the lives of others.
God wants us to live. For Him.
