It seems that my entire life is being changed every single day. Yes, it can be just as exhausting as it sounds sometimes, and most of the time it isn’t easy. But it is also incredibly beautiful and joyful. I don’t want it to ever stop. Among all the growth and learning God has been providing me, I found myself sitting tired and uninspired. It was so frustrating and confusing. Things are getting so good, why am I not feeling so good?
I had been asking myself that question and I couldn’t figure it out. I decided to ask God since He knows me much better. One night, we were listening to worship music during a team time. My teammate, Caleb, felt led to have us worship while he washed our feet individually and told us what God had told him about us. God told Caleb to tell me, “I’ve been here the whole time.” I returned to the couch and asked God what this meant. He reminded me of the ways that I have always been my own biggest obstacle. God has been with me every step of my life and I’ve chosen many times to not see that.
Then God told me to smile with Him. I literally just saw myself sitting with Jesus and smiling at each other. I had a silly grin on my face like I’ve never had before. He showed me that I needed to let myself be happy and have irrevocable joy from His constant presence with me. I was quickly standing up on the couch bouncing around and dancing like a little child. I was laughing, and grinning, and experiencing a joy and happiness that I hadn’t felt in so long.
It had probably been a decade. That’s not to say I never had any joy or happiness, but it wasn’t full in my heart. God showed me what I had been doing. When people hurt me, when difficult things happened, I chose to retreat. I closed myself off from people and hid my emotions so that I couldn’t be hurt again. No vulnerability, no pain right? (LOL. WRONG). I spent the past decade, almost half of my life, not being myself. He reminded me of my youth when I was a social tornado (I was a little more wild than a butterfly) running around hugging everybody I knew with a smile and endless curiosity. God told me to return to that. I spent so long trying to isolate and distance myself, I drifted so far from who I was in my heart, and I put on a front and aimed to be someone I am not.
I realized just how much I haven’t felt right in so long. It was like I would reach the amazing beauty of a mountain top, look around and say, “That’s nice,” and then dig a ditch for myself to sit in and block the view of what God had for me. I ain’t living like that no more! It’s almost unexplainable how God has me feeling right now. It’s like a five year old opening gifts from Santa, only the gift is every little moment of each day and the joy is a million times stronger because God is giving the gifts. It’s like constantly feeling that feeling when you see your best friend for the first time in a long time. It’s like inning the first prize in everything you’ve ever worked hard to accomplish. It’s the greatest feeling you can feel, and it’s totally irrevocable and permanent. If you choose to let it be. Joy from the Lord can’t be taken away.
I still have to choose to keep it, though. I have to choose joy when something difficult happens and it hurts. I have to choose joy when I’m in Bangkok and my heart hurts for the brokenness of rampant prostitution and sex trafficking. I have to choose joy when I pass a begging man whose whole body is burned and disfigured to the point he can never live a normal life. It isn’t easy, but God helps me do it as I ask him too. It’s the joy that knowing God can redeem all of these things, heal all of these hearts, and love all of these people. And what can I do except ask Him to use me and show me what to do?
I want to live my life in this constant joy. I want it to be visibly evident to everyone who sees me. I want to be covered in the blood that Jesus shed for us like a giant stamp of his love and grace, and faithfulness. I want to mirror Christ’s humility and obedience to constantly putting others before himself and seeking after God’s will. I want to live my life in such a way that everyone who knows me and meets sees nothing but the love of Christ and how much I want to love Him. I want others to see this so that they are inspired to pursue and reciprocate that same love. I just want others to want that because His love is so, so perfect and good. I want everyone to feel how I feel right now.
Choose a joyful heart.
God will take care of the rest.
