I’ve been seeing a lot of people who aren’t having a typical Christmas season because they are out of the States in Africa or in Central America. Well my Christmas season isn’t a typical one either. For me its been full of sadness and grief as well for different reasons. It honestly would probably be easier if I were in Malawi where I should be.
I should be there with K squad doing ministry with my team and having African Christmas. I should be days away from packing and heading to Mini debrief where my squad will say goodbye to our squad leaders Katie and Rachel. I should be about a week away from traveling to Zambia, the native country of my squad mate Sandy.
That life may be easier than where I am – celebrating Christmas in Southern California in the San Fernando Valley where I have always celebrated Christmas. You see this is a time that I am grieving not only the loss of K Squad but perhaps the loss of part of my childhood.
A few days before we left Honduras for Malawi it was brought to my attention from leadership that in my current state of mind the African and Asian portions of the Race would be extremely difficult for me. My mental and emotional health had taken a turn for the worst in Honduras. You can read more about that in my previous blog Own Your Life!!
While I was at debrief in Malawi with my squad, days before I came home to Colorado and then California, my grandma took a fall and is now in a board and care system. My family now has to pick up the pieces of that and get her house ready to be rented out. After we leave and head back to Colorado I most likely will not set foot in a house I have known for 23 years. This fact admittedly hasn’t set in and probably won’t set in until I come to California again and see family and friends.
The reasons why the African Christmas might be easier is the fact that it is a whole heck of a lot easier to live in denial of something than it is to confront it head on. Wouldn’t it have been easier for Jesus to give into Satan’s temptations in the wilderness and turn stones into bread? Wouldn’t it have been easier if Jesus just bowed to Satan and said “You win, I’ll take my kingdoms now?”
I don’t know what hurt I have caused you by leaving the race but for that I am sorry. I am sorry that I couldn’t finish what I started and do what I said I was going to do for 11 months. I am sorry that you put your money where your mouth was and I wasn’t able to hold up my end of the bargain. I hope and pray that you still love me and support me as I now pick up the pieces and figure out what is next. I hope that when I call and want to do something that you will hear my story and how I have grown in the Lord. I pray that you accept me for the imperfect human I am and will walk with me through this time of heartache and loss that the Lord has for me on all fronts as I continue to seek Him and the joy only He can provide above everything else.
