Three weeks ago I was told by one of my teammates something that I never thought I’d be a part of, something I’ve only seen in movies or have heard from other people. Something that honestly I’m nervous to write about because it does sound crazy and I already know people are skeptical because I once was. But something that at the same time I think might be able to shed some light on a subject that no one really talks about. Something that is unfortunately real.
“Zach I woke up in the middle of the night two different times last night and saw a shadow type figure sitting on top of your chest.” She said this and I was speechless, breath taken, and I immediately got chills. I didn’t know what to say or even how to feel or react. I would’ve had a harder time believing her because it was in the middle of the night and maybe she was dreaming, but I woke up that same night struggling to breathe several times through out the night. I even woke up the last few times thinking “I feel like something is on top of my chest.” I was just getting over a cold so I thought maybe it had something to do with that, evidently I was wrong. I looked to my team and said “what does this mean?” And they immediately laid hands on me and prayed, but the fear unfortunately wasn’t gone no matter how much stuff I did to keep my mind busy.
The next night and every single night after that I started having bad dreams, worse, night terrors. Night terrors so bad that when I would wake up I would be in a panic gasping for air or one of my teammates would have to wake me up because I’m moving around so much or I just quit breathing in general. Even when I wake up it takes me a while to relax my mind and body again. It always seems to be one of three night terrors: 1) it’s sitting on top of me laughing 2) it’s jumping on top of my chest laughing or 3) it’s running around me laughing. Every night seems to be different, one night I’ll wake up every thirty minutes and only get two hours of sleep. The next night I’ll get six hours of sleep without waking up but I’ll be trapped in my dreams making me mentally exhausted the next day. Either way it’s no fun, either way it sucks, and either way I wish it would stop.
Our coach, among many others, always talks about spiritual warfare in everyday life but I never thought it would get to this level. For some reason I never thought that it would affect me, I thought I had God on my side, right? I never could’ve imagined that it would come in an actual form like this and affect me both physically and mentally. Once again, I was wrong. I’ve done so much research and I’ve asked so many people about their thoughts and what I should do. One thing I have to keep telling myself is that Satan, the enemy, wants what it doesn’t have. Satan has no control over my life so of course he’s coming after me. I have Jesus in my heart and always will so I will never succumb to his wants or needs. I asked in my last blog who God is to you and right now He’s my protector. But why is it still going on 25 days later? What fruit is coming of this?
I go through the days fighting to put a smile on my face and fighting to laugh, and that’s just the cold hard truth. I find myself getting annoyed and irritated at the small things, which in return makes me annoyed that I’m annoyed by that. By the end of the day I’m so mentally exhausted that I just want to go away from my team and be by myself. Some days I just want to completely check out and not even go to ministry or dive into my “community” AKA family. And for anyone who really knows me knows that none of those things are a part of my character. Which once again makes me annoyed, but lack of sleep will unfortunately do that to you. Some days I even think to myself “God, am I not doing something right? Am I not doing enough? Do I need to pray harder? Should I worship longer? Why is this still happening?”
