I don’t know if you’ve ever read the Magician’s Nephew from the Chronicles of Narnia, but I’m going to paint the picture for you. In the book, Digory and his friend Polly are, by unusual circumstances, given rings that allow them to travel into other worlds, but also to come back to their own world as well. When the rings are initially put onto their fingers they are taken to this sort of in between world that has different pools. Now each of these pools, we find out, takes them to different worlds, including their own world they came from. And each time that they change worlds it takes no more than a minute as they switch into a new world that is vastly different from the ones before.
I wanted to paint this picture for you to sort of get you into my thoughts and emotions of where I’m at right now and I want you to walk with me there! So here we are, literally venturing into new worlds, but also learning about these new things and stepping into uncertainty. So let’s set off…
In January of 2019, I put on this ring that would remove me from the only world that I ever knew and loved. I didn’t know there were any other worlds until I was given this ring, with the possibility of going somewhere I’ve never gone before. So I stepped into this pool of uncertainty called the World Race. Where it would take me, who I would meet, what I would do… I knew it not. So what to do, except to step right into the pool and see what would happen. Aaaaaand… JUMP!
Time jump real quick… I put back on my ring and it’s time to go home! But wait… Can I even go back? Am I ready? Will it be the same?
This year inside that world held so many different things for me. This community that I lived life with for an entire year, that I loved deeply, that we fought in so many battles together, that lifted me up when I had fallen down, that treated my wounds when I had been injured, that comforted me when I was broken hearted, that served me when I didn’t deserve it, and that did it all with a smile on their faces and love in their hearts.
A year that I got to meet so many beautiful people that were so different from me. Sharing life and Christ with a random person on a train, smiling at people because of the light within myself, playing spikeball with a family that speaks no English in the middle of the desert with so much joy, connecting with and being encouraged and encouraging long term missionaries, playing soccer with kids half my age beaming with excitement, praying over a city for the light of Christ to be shone throughout, washing the feet of three young men to serve, love, and honor them, teaching English while pursuing relationships with the students, serving our hostel owner by doing some much needed yard work their backyard just to show them the love Jesus has given us for them, meeting a brother in Christ that needed the encouragement to see what it meant to follow the Lord in your daily life loving people, going to a region and a people that had been devastated by war and violence to pray the peace of God, meeting beautiful refugees that just needed to know they are loved, face painting and running around with kids that exhausted me but needed to know they are beautiful and have value, and walking through Petra with a couple kids that just wanted to talk and to be heard and man, with such a heart of gold.
I think I’m ready… It’s time to go home so I put on my ring and I’m back to the in between world. Okay let’s go… 3… 2… 1… JUMP!
I step into the world I once called home and I’m confused… I’ve lived 24 of my years on this planet here but why is it so different? No… Wait… This world hasn’t changed, it’s me that’s changed! That time that has been a year, gone in an instant, feels like I was never gone but I’m so different. Why? What? How?
Questions that I never really had the time to ask, questions that I never really got the answers to.
Before I had the time to even think about what I had just experienced in that last year, it’s time once again to leave this world that I once knew so intimately for so long. So here we go again on another adventure! I place the ring back on my finger and I’m back to the in between world of pools. Now which pool to choose from… Ahhh yes, that’s the one… The pool of growth, of stepping into a new thing, into new confidence in who I know I am. New world, new team, new territory! Okay… JUMP!
So now you’re stepping into the present world that I’m currently writing from.
I’m experiencing this community in much the same way but it feels so different for some reason. New friends, more friends, different places, same incredible love.
But still, what is this I am feeling? What is this deep pain that I have inside my chest that I can’t get out? I feel like my heart has been pierced with a dagger!
I soon take a step back and I realize everything…
Everything…
EVERYTHING…
This hurt is not one of offense, no one did this to me, this isn’t something I did to anyone else either, it also doesn’t feel life threatening. Actually, now that I think about it, this is good pain, this is healing pain, this pain is nothing more than an extremely deep love that I’ve never experienced before. This is the love of the Father… And He’s given it to me for His children, my friends, my beloved brothers and sisters whom I care so much about.
But it doesn’t make it any easier knowing that it’s a good thing. Apparently, good things can still hurt. This pain I see now is a culmination of so many things at once. The world I lived in for 24 years, all those people, those relationships, the memories, the conversations had, the bonds made, the love shared. It feels like they’re gone forever.
I’ve changed so much so how can I go back, how can I act like everything is the same, when it’s really not? I’m realizing now, I’m not supposed to. The change within me, it’s real, the me who is here now is the real me, the freed me, the courageous me, the confident me, the me who walks with a sword in his hand, a shield in his other, tears in his eyes, and a mighty shout of victory going to fight for his brothers and sisters! Yes, that’s who I am and who I will continue to be!
There’s still, yet again, another world I have so much anguish in my heart for. The world I lived in for this past year, the one that changed me so deeply, the one that gave me this heart. That community I can never forget, those people, I will never forget, those conversations, I will never forget, the hugs, I will never forget, the tears cried upon their shoulders, I will never forget.
Each of you, Eric, Stone, Suze, Allie, Ash, you have such a deep place in my heart and I will never forget Wabi Sabi, I walked through so much with you guys and experienced a new level of freedom doing life with you. Thank you for being a part of this! Brothers, JD, Brandon, Parker, Jordan, Aaron, Jake, Stone, I have this tattoo on my ankle and it is a representation of the love that I felt from each of you men, the bond we have, and the battles we fought together, thank you for your unconditional love and acceptance, Imago Dei! Stone, Aaron, Jordan, you men have a special spot in my heart and am so thankful for the wild and adventure and I couldn’t have bought a van with better people! Love you all so much, FNG baby! Jordan, Allie, Meg, and Heidi, thank you guys for sticking with me through possibly my most broken few months of leading and loving me through it, Mosaics! Em and Ari, thank you ladies for the continual support that you have given me both last year and stepping into this new season and always being there as a shoulder to cry on (literally) and the constant encouragement you bring, love y’all! Molly, Jenny, and Leah, I was hoping we were going to be on a team with everyone at some point and unfortunately I didn’t get the privilege to hang with ya in a team, BUT I love y’all and am so thankful I got to be on this squad with you ladies and see the strength that you possess and how you use that to fight for your people, it’s beautiful! T Squad, you have changed me forever, and thank you for being part of the most pivotal year of my entire life! I love you each so dang much!
So here I am in this new world, a place that is refining and growing me, allowing me to step into even more of who I was made to be, letting me feel deeper than I’ve felt before, hear more precisely than I’ve heard before, and love deeper than I’ve loved before.
So although I currently feel like I’ve lost so many things and feel like I’m in a world that’s between two other worlds and belonging to neither, I’m fully satisfied. And in reality, I’ve gained so much more than I ever had in the first place.
Now I will be in this world for some time longer and I’m not quite sure where I’ll go next, but I do know that it will be hard to leave this one and enter another. But along the way I will carry the love that you have showed me with me everywhere I go. So many places, so many people, so much love and if I had to, I would do it all again and feel it all over again. To everyone who has been a part of this beautiful thing I call my life, I cherish you, and above all, I love you.
The End
The Chronicle of Mourning
