The climb up to Namche Bazaar is nothing to joke about. Switch back after switch back, my legs became weaker and weaker. My breaths became fast and my heart just kept racing. I thought to myself, “Wow, it’s only day two and I’m huffing and puffing.”
But God was there with me. Giving me the mental strength to keep “trekking”. And He’s also given me the strength write this, to grow as a follower, and to be real with my peers and community. It’s painful to think about, let alone write about, but it’s by God’s grace and love that I’m able to share.
I titled this blog, “The Silent Addiction of Today’s Youth”, because I think this topic isn’t discussed as much as it should be. It truly is a “silent” addiction, as it consumed my life and is consuming the lives of today’s youth.
Pornography.
Let’s first look at some facts about this man-made invention.
- 93% of boys and 62% of girls are exposed to pornography before the age of 18.
- The industry makes more revenue than the NFL, MLB, and NBA combined.
- Porn sites comprise 12% of the internet.
- 28,000 people watch porn every second.
For me, it started with just a glance. I would only look at it when I had the desire and that desire seemed to be small at first. I thought it was controllable. But that’s what addictions do. They start small to get you hooked. They make it seem that it’s only natural.
Until I found myself craving it.
Until I found myself wanting it more and more.
Until I was lost in this bliss not even knowing what I was addicted to.
For years this consumed my life. But no one knows about it because I hid it. I would show people one side of myself, but behind closed doors is where my addiction lived. I lived two different lives. I would display that I was a good Christian walking in my faith, but then turn around and live a life of secrecy, lust, and addiction.
It was an ongoing cycle for years. I would find myself up late at night, absolutely convicted of what I was doing, but then doing the same thing, day after day, week after week, year after year.
How did I fall into this trap?
How did this start consuming my life where I didn’t even know my own identity?
How could I keep calling myself a Christian while keeping this a secret?
The saddest thing is I came to a point where I knew it was wrong, but still did it. I would do it and just loathe myself day after day. It was a classic Romans 7 battle of the flesh. And what resulted of this is shame, guilt, and regret.
I would ask myself, if I’m a Christian, why do I still struggle with this? Why does it feel like I’m powerless to stop this? Does God love me?
It wasn’t until I heard from another man express his struggle with the same things. Him sharing his testimony of going through the exact same struggles I was going through made me realize I’m not alone. It was then when I understood what I was truly missing.
Intimacy.
Or more specifically, Intimacy with the Lord.
Before then, I never had true intimacy with the Lord. I mean, I grew up in a Christian home, was taught morals and beliefs, believed in God and Jesus, but was never intimate with the Lord. I didn’t necessarily have a deep, intimate, relationship with Christ. And so I was filling that intimacy with pictures, videos, and girls that I would never even meet.
Throughout the World Race, I’ve learned a lot about what it means and looks like to be truly intimate with the Lord. To be in prayer, not as a ritual, but as communication with our Father. To be in scripture to gain wisdom and knowledge of our creator. To be in relationship with Christ rather than just believing.
I’ve ultimately learned that God gave me the freedom to struggle with this sin. He knew my life would be messy. He knew every temptation I would fall into. See God knew we weren’t going to be perfect. Since the fall of Adam and Eve, he knew we were going to be sinners. That’s why He sent His son, to die on the cross. So I’m done with looking for purity. I’m done trying to hide my mistakes and living a life of shame and guilt.
I’m now pursuing intimacy with the Lord and I have been striving to look toward Jesus. And since then, purity has come as a by-product.
I don’t have to live in shame and guilt anymore because Jesus paid for that. He said “It is finished”.
And so I write this to show you my heart. To show you the real Will. The one who has struggled with this addiction. I’m not going to lie, every day is a battle. But I’ve found freedom in the matter. Freedom to struggle, but also freedom to choose.
To choose God.
To choose Jesus.
To choose intimacy with our Father.
Stay tuned for Everest Trek Part 3: A Night That’s Hard to Remember, But I’ll Never Forget
