On the plane ride to launch, I could hardly even look up to see out of the window. My head hung in guilt and shame; in failure. “If this plane crashes, surely I will reap what I have sown,” I thought. “I’ve failed my family growing up; I’ve failed in school; I’ve failed in my relationship; I’ve failed in my job; I’ve failed myself time and time again. But worst of all, now I’ve failed God.” How could God possibly use me to minister to people? I am a failure.
Guilt plagued me. The redemption story that I so badly wanted to personify had escaped me. And now I was a missionary.
One thing you learn very quickly on the World Race, is that any expectations you’ve had, are destroyed as soon as you realize they are there. I came in to this Race as a broken person in almost every sense of the word; beaten, bruised, and battered by the cruel, hard “real world.” I felt as though I was walking into an island of perfect toys, straight from my island of misfits. I expected to be rejected. I expected to be an outcast. I expected to be exposed.
How wrong I was.
Instead of rejected, I was embraced. Rather than an outcast, I was another member of the family. And I most certainly was exposed, but in the best way possible. I was exposed as another broken member of the world who needs Jesus. And I learned that we are all misfit toys in some way or another- the first step is admitting it to ourselves.
Ecuador was an absolute whirlwind of emotions for me. I had to walk through forgiveness and abandonment in every way possible. I knew that I had to forgive the people who have hurt me in the past. I believe God has blessed me with a heart that breaks for what breaks His, so forgiving those people in my past was the easy part. But, I had no idea that the hardest part of the month would be admitting to myself that I needed to forgive the man in the mirror. I realized that Jesus’ sacrifice to the world was sufficient enough for me to be “reconciled in his fleshly body through his death, to present you holy, without blemish, and irreproachable before Him.” (Colossians 1:22). God also showed me the need for abandonment. I realized that I was holding onto too many things, and not giving all of my trust to Jesus Christ. That factored directly into the guilt, shame, and worry that controlled my life.
Walking through this season of my life, albeit short and difficult, was liberating; I literally felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. My joy was abounding, and overflowing.
A month that started with guilt and shame, turned into a month of, for the first time in my life, stepping into who God has called me to be. I know that I am strong in Him who strengthens me. And I am confident moving forward that placing my trust in Him is not only the best way to live, but rather it is the ONLY way to live. Relying on anybody else (including yourself) leads to guilt, shame, and disappointment.
Month one of my world race was about letting go of everything I clutched so tightly.
Month two would be about giving everything I have to my Lord and Savior…
