12 I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. 13 Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. 14 The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 15 Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. 16 But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. 1 Timothy 1:12-16
I didn’t want to use the World Race as an excuse to run away from the problems of my life. As I committed to this incredible 11-month journey, I also committed to changing my life in the period of preparation. I told myself after training camp, “I am going to change my ways. Right here, right now. Not on the Race in South America, or Asia, or Africa; but right here in Denver, Colorado.” I wanted to enter my time as a racer as a shining example of God’s healing; a sinner, saved by His amazing grace, ready to share God’s eternal love and grace with others. I wanted to pour into others. I wanted to encourage others. I didn’t want to be caught up in the same ‘ol issues that so drastically pointed me towards the Race in the first place.
So I decided to sit my friends down and tell them that I wouldn’t be around anymore. It wasn’t that they were bad people; to the contrary, they are incredible people who have showed me immense love in my life. But I needed to separate myself from situations where I was tempted to partake in the activities that burdened my soul. I was the ringleader with doing drugs; I was the person pushing for one more “jager-bomb”; I was the one “hunting” “potential targets” for the boys and me. I was weak when presented with temptation. I knew that I needed to separate myself from the setting for my sinful way of life.
I was nervous confronting them, terrified at what they might think. I didn’t want to lose my friends again. I didn’t want them to think that I was pushing them out of the picture, or that I was judging them, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. So the fateful night came, and I sat my friends down. And contrary to everything I feared, it went beautifully; they all understood and supported my decision.
I thought I had defeated the “boogeyman” issue that so frightened me. I thought I was well on my way to being the perfect leader and teammate that I needed to prepare myself to be. But as the weeks drew longer, and I spent time without the community I had made for myself at home, I came face-to-face with another issue that I didn’t see coming: loneliness. And eventually, my new lack of community, and as I would realize later, my lack of self-control got the best of me. I fell right back into the same temptations.
In fact, up until a few days before leaving for Atlanta to embark on this incredible journey, I was lost in sin and worldliness. I was dying of guilt – A missionary on the outside, but a terrible sinner on the inside; the worst sinner. And Satan used the shame that I felt to abuse my self-perception:
“You aren’t good enough, as usual. WHAT A HYPOCRITE YOU ARE! YOU WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH!”
On the plane ride to launch, I could hardly even look up to see out of the window. My head hung in guilt and shame; in failure. “If this plane crashes, surely I will reap what I have sown,” I thought. “I’ve failed my family growing up; I’ve failed in school; I’ve failed in my relationship; I’ve failed in my job; I’ve failed myself time and time again. But worst of all, now I’ve failed God.” How could God possibly use me to minister to people? I am a failure.
God was about to rock my world…
