Manzini, Swaziland, end of week two
Just watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty with my team. I spent all of my off day today researching schools anywhere but New York. San Diego, Boston, DC, everywhere that I could think of that was exactly like New York, but nothing like it. That’s the problem. It’s exciting to look at all these other places, but I’ve fallen deeply, deeply in love with New York. It’s in my nightly dreams. It’s in my daily dreams. How can it be that I’m looking for someplace exactly like New York and a place nothing like it.
The movie tonight takes place in Manhattan at the Time/Life building. It’s in Midtown and I’ve sat on the very steps Walter did.
Here’s what I’m wondering, was I not ready to live in a place where others made more than I? Was it insecurity that made me pursue friendships, relationships, and jobs that would purely put money in my pocket? Was I so afraid of being left in the dust career-wise that I overcompensated in every facet of my being?
I wanted to be in New York when I saw that movie. I wanted to breathe that air and speak their language. How come I want to be there so badly when I know I was pained so deeply when I was there? When I was in New York I remember hoping, just praying for a way out but in that moment, I felt like leaving was letting EVERYONE invested in me down. I felt like I myself was not worth loving.
2 weeks ago, I went into town (Manzini) with Tressa. It was a seemingly average day with great conversation, yes, but uneventful in the sense of occasion. However as we headed home and were entering the white gates to the AIM base in front of the pool, Tressa said, “hey, this might sound weird. But thanks for being you.”
My mind just thought of that moment because just then, I had no idea how somebody could love me without me doing something over the top for them. I didn’t even really say anything special to her leading up to that. We were playing a “this or that” game where I’d say “pickles or cheese” or “Reagan or Bush” and she’d say what she preferred. Yes, we knew each other THAT little because team changes just happened which is why it was brave of her and incredible for me to hear that.
I’m tired, so tired. I tried to write a blog today about my feelings from Thailand. I uploaded my photos from Swazi and my Video of picking up the kiddos in Cambodia today. I failed at writing feelings in blog format. Yes, it’s great to put things online and be proud of them, BUT the internet is a very tricky thing and I think everyone should be wary of the personal details that they post online.
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I was challenged by my team leader to post this journal entry. There are hundreds of back stories and nuances from the past years that are leading to these thoughts. As I struggle to think about the future, I still struggle with the all of the “christian-ese” answers. These include “God has it under control”, “He already has a plan for you”, “Regardless of where you go, allow God to work”, etc. Not to discount those answers, but my struggle right now is sorting through “what was God’s purpose for having me in New York” and “what exactly did I learn from New York”. Was it simply to put me in an environment and have me struggle to survive to be able to prove something to myself? Was it to educate me on the ways and temptations of the world and eventually break me to a point where only He could save me? So many people walk around those streets and subways with a brave and stoic face on, scared to death of their own emotions. Am I running from New York by choosing a new city? Was God leading me through the World in the craziest city of all in order for me to flourish now in a new city now that I have even stronger faith? But if that’s true why do I want it to be exactly like New York, but nothing like it?
P.S. I’m taking a week-long fast from talking about the future in order to spend time in spiritual conversation with the only one who’s opinion on this subject is definite and final.
