I missed something
Haiti
was a hard month for me. There is a joy that I find in my day to day walk of
life and for some reason that joy seemingly left my life as I walked into
Haiti. That’s not to say that I had a “bad” time, or was miserable the whole
time, but it is to say that somewhere along the journey of month 2 I seemingly
lost passion.
I noticed it came upon me the night that I found out our
project for Haiti was to be an orphanage; more children, more screaming and
slobber, more smelly little kids. My passion died because I chose to let it
die. Somewhere around week 2 of Haiti I recognized the loss of passion, and
recognized that it was because I was choosing to not choose in. I was choosing
to “do” the month and just make it through. I left the passion and joy of my
every day walk at the back in the Dominican and chose to look forward to the
next month.
So here I am. I am here in month 3. I am in Ireland at the
awakening. A song we sing says something like,
“You
are an endless ocean, a bottomless sea.”
As I made that my praise to God I found it becoming a
desire. I want to dive into that ocean. I want to swim in His glory. I want to
swim in the depths of his bottomless ocean. I want to look at the reef and see
his angels there in the depths. I want
to get lost in it. I want to get lost in Him.
But that requires something of me. The ocean is there and
will always be. I need to stop standing on the beach. I need to stop putting my
toes in the water to see if it is warm enough. I need to stop wading in the
waters and dive in! I need to “choose” into this mission and everything that is
thrown at me whether I like it or not.
Be in prayer for me! Intercede for me. Ask that God would
break the boundaries free will, and force me onto that road. Ask that God would
send that same angel that blocked Balaam’s path to come and block me from
standing in the shallows. Ask that God would force me into the depths and into
that endless ocean so far that I can no longer see the shoreline from which I
came.
This is my desire. It comes from the most inner core of my
being. My spirit cries out for this very thing, yet my flesh desires nothing
more than the selfishness of the ministries I like or that I want. It is
selfishness that needs to be broken. It is death to myself that needs to be
had.
“Father, you know the
depths of my heart. You have known them since before I was born. God I am so
sorry for the selfishness I chose there in Haiti. God I want to do more than
“just make it through”. God I long to be lost in your endless passion. I want
to be lost in the sea. Father, break me of that. Break me and build me back up
into the man you want me to be. God I need your hand in this. Start small with
me, as David fought the bear to move onto a lion, to move onto Goliath. Make
each day one step further that I have to take until those waves are crashing
over me. God lead me! Lead me into that place where I can be with you. Where I
walk as you walk; where I speak as you speak; where I love as you love; see as
you see; breathe as you breath. Father, lead me through those steps. “
I am not a finished piece. I am a painting in progress. Each
day His mercies are new, and each day another color is added.
“God continue the work that you have started in me! Continue
to reveal yourself in new ways. Break my heart for the things that break yours.
God I give you me. That is the most that I can give, and I don’t know that I
know what that means. But I am yours and yours alone. Mold me and make me. Take
me and break me. Do with me as you will, but don’t let me miss even just one
more moment of this life! Don’t let me miss this Father, don’t let me miss
this.
