I am going to be honest.
I struggle.
I struggle with trusting God with my life.
Would He really ask me to do this? Travel the world, love people, be His representative? I doubt my abilities. I question who I will be without my family, my small group, my church family, my friends. Who will I be when it is just me and God? When everything else is stripped away, when I am in the streets of Thailand, or Romania? When I am asked to preach, and I don't know what to preach about?
When I really have to trust, what I am going to do?
Will I trust?
No doubt, trust will be the most difficult part of the journey for me. To every day, be trusting God in every single aspect of my life.
Here in the American church we have so many choices. In Charlotte alone we have hundreds, maybe thousands of churches. If I don't agree with the teachings of one, or I don't love the young adult ministry or it's too far to drive? I can find another. We say we trust God, but in the back of our minds we know that we can manipulate the outcome to fit our plan. Do we really trust God?
I feel God preparing me for this even now.
For the last two years I have been part of an amazing church here in Charlotte, and as I left last night from my volunteer shift, I was just struck with sadness. How much I will miss the people, the community there, the team I serve with every other Sunday night. The support of the pastors, the encouragement from everyone that I talk to. The fact that they believe in me one hundred percent.
I can only trust.
Trust that God has planned my path, that he has given me this community to prepare me for another. That he has given me people that believe in me one hundred percent so that I can believe in myself. So that when they are not with me physically, they can support me prayerfully.
Trust that God gave me this life, so that I can make a difference. That he put me in my family so that I could grow up with morals, values and belief in something bigger than myself.
Trust that in Him, I can do anything. For without Him, I am nothing, but with Him all things are possible.
Trust that He is before me, He is beside me, He is behind me, He is in me.
That has become somewhat of my mantra lately. When I feel doubt, or fear or any of those things that devil throws at us, I repeat to myself: God before me, God beside me, God behind me, God within me.
As I repeat that phrase, an overwhelming calm surrounds me, and I know. God is before me, beside me, behind me and living in me ALL the time. In Him alone will I know my true self. When I strip away all the things surrounding me now, I will only have Him left. I will have to go to Him for advice when I would normally call my mother. I will have to look to Him for validation where I would normally look to my boss, friend or pastor.
He alone surrounds me and when all else is gone, He will be there.
God before me, God beside me, God behind me, God within me.
