I’ve been trying to write this blog for days and I just couldn’t accurately type what my heart was really trying to say. And today while cleaning my room it came to me simply. Change.
Change is a thing that most people fear. Routine and normalcy are what we most crave because when we know what is coming, what our days look like and what to expect we feel like we have control. Change takes away that control because we have to adjust to a new routine, a new normalcy. A good friend of mine who is a therapist once told me that people dislike change so much that they would rather stay in a place in life, in a relationship, at a job, etc. that is hurtful, unsatisfying or unfulfilled because it is familiar rather than change. Even when they know in their heart the change would be for the best.
That is so depressing to me, to know that others do this and live in misery, defeat and live unfulfilled lives. And because it has been true for a very long time for me as well. I have stayed in a defeated place in my mind and heart regarding myself. Who I was I based off what others thought of me. So I constantly needed to be surrounded by friends and people in general to tell me I was enough. I was pretty enough, smart enough, good enough and worthy of love, happiness, etc. The list could go on.
And I also know that this method of living is torturous for both you (me) and the people around you. We cannot expect people to hold the job of telling us we are good enough. People are not mirrors. And people have their own things going on about themselves that do not make them perfect judges of themselves or us. And frankly, putting that power into anyone’s hands is so dangerous for our self image because NO ONE on this planet can give an ACCURATE reflection of who we are. No one.
So, from experience, allowing others to tell me “who I am” was never enough. I needed validation constantly. I was not at peace with myself. I didn’t know myself. I didn’t trust myself. Therefore, I didn’t think so highly of myself. And also, as a Christian I was putting everyone’s opinions higher than God’s- the only one ABLE to accurately tell me “who I am.” Therefore, I was (not knowingly) telling God that what He thought of me didn’t matter. Looking back now I was telling MY CREATOR He didn’t know ME. That is absurd. But because God is IS LOVE-patient and kind. NOT boastful, proud, or rude, does not dis-honor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs and does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. BECAUSE LOVE (GOD) ALWAYS PROTECTS, TRUSTS, HOPES, AND PRESERVES. AND BECAUSE LOVE (GOD) NEVER FAILS I have come to KNOW not only God but know love. And I have been accurately able to see WHO I AM. For the first time in my life. At 26 years old. CHANGE.
Was this change easy? NO! It was truly the hardest year of my life. Did it happen overnight? No, and boy did I scream and cry and wish it had. At some points I literally thought I was going to DIE. Yes. I thought I would die from all the hurt and sadness and reality of who I was.
Because for the last 13 years (half of my life) when my dad became a man I didn’t know from the first 13 years of my life… I began being a person I wasn’t for the first half of my life. I became insecure. I didn’t know what was going to happen to my family, to me, from day to day. But I put on a smile and I was tough. I didn’t cry, I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want to be a burden. I thought by not being needy people would love me. And they did. But now I realize they loved me because they loved Whitney, not because I didn’t ask for much, but probably because they liked my loud voice and laugh and constant energy. So basically for 13 years I built up walls to protect my heart from being rejected, and at the same time I was constantly handing it off to others to judge. Please tell me who I am. Because I don’t know. My dad ran out on his part that was made to do that and my mom is busy providing for my brother and myself and I am just trying to be perfect and make everyone happy. So I need you to tell me who I am. Please. While I am hiding all the sadness, fear and emotions.
But of course the sadness and emotion goes somewhere and for me it went to food. I never had an eating disorder, binge eating daily or anorexia or bulimia, but I ate when I was sad, when I was anxious, when I was happy. All the time. And I was constantly trying a new diet, restricting myself, then overdoing it because I felt like I wasn’t worth any of it. Losing weight, being pretty, or even strong enough to have discipline in my life. (By the way this is probably the most vulnerable I have ever been in my life by putting this all out there and being honest.)
And all the years I struggled with food, diet and exercise (which I LOVE. I grew up playing sports and I still love yoga, sweating, and even running!) But when you have no self confidence, when you feel so weak, even things you love become unenjoyable, and they feel like punishment instead of reward. Rewarding myself because I am worth being strong and working out and making my body stronger. Eating well not only to look good but because I love my body and I am putting great things in it. I couldn’t think that way. I was in such defeat and all I saw was that I was weak. Weak minded, weak willed, all of it.
But really I just craved to know I was worthy. And especially by a man. WHICH IS NATURAL! God made us to tell us we are worthy. He sent His perfect son to die for us so that our wrongs would not be counted against us, so that He could LOVE us perfectly. So that we could be ALL that HE MADE US TO BE. And that is also why He gave us parents. To reflect to us that perfect love. And we know parents aren’t perfect but they are supposed to represent Christ in unconditional love. And we find our security knowing we are enough because our parents love us no matter our mistakes, no matter what. And when as a teenage girl your dad leaves and you have no man telling you, “Sweetheart, you are beautiful, you are lovely, you are ENOUGH, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE” you find another man to tell you that… and I will tell you that was a FAR MORE BROKEN JOURNEY THAN EVEN BEFORE. As I said above, no one on earth can accurately tell you who you are and especially not teenage boys or any man or person for that matter. It isn’t even fair to them to ask. But I tried. And I kept doing the same thing… asking them (without asking them but by my actions) if I were enough while not asking for anything else- like a decent relationship or expecting anything from them all the while I tried to be perfect and not needy. Trying to be what they wanted me to be. While maintaining a smile and acting like everything was okay.
Until this year. 2013. When I applied to this amazing adventure I can not wait to embark on in July. I started reading blogs of racers who were currently on the World Race. Currently living in their tents in third world countries. And each and every one of them talked about how God wrecked them in the best possible way. Brought up the deep dark wounds they covered with a bandaid so no one could see. He ripped the bandaid, exposed the whole, deep, dark, ugly wound and healed it once and for all. When I read this I was so touched but also so scared. I knew I had some DEEP DARK OLD WOUNDS THAT I WAS ONLY MAKING DEEPER AND NOT ALLOWING GOD TO TRULY HEAL. I got on my hands and knees and prayed that God would start healing these wounds because I didn’t think I could handle them being so exposed during Training Camp and on my race. They were much too deep. It would be too much. I needed healing NOW.
And God- Sovereign, Merciful, Perfect God answered that prayer. I started going to an AMAZING Christian counselor in August 2013 and everything I just shared with you above was EXPOSED TO ME THROUGH HER AMAZING GUIDANCE THROUGH CHRIST for the first time! I had hidden it all! EVEN from MYSELF! Amazing how we can hide reality from ourselves! SO SCARY! When I said above I felt like it almost killed me, I truly felt that way. All the heartache I had experienced, both from my dad and from my very poor decisions all came out AT ONCE! I NEVER FELT SO HEARTBROKEN, BEATEN UP, SAD, ETC AT ONCE IN MY LIFE. Some days I couldn’t get out of bed, some days I didn’t want to but did. Many nights I went to bed crying and woke up crying wondering when it would end. Because I knew I had to make a CHANGE. I had to change the way I thought about myself. I had to change the way I lived my life, catering to this insecure little girl turned insecure woman. I had to change not wanting good for myself. I had to start believing I was WORTH all the things I dreamt of and all the desires God put into my heart that I truly wanted but felt so unworthy of. I had to start believing what God said about me. Who He is. Who I am. And I had to stop asking people to tell me that. Especially a man.
I wish I could say changing was easy. It wasn’t, is isn’t… God is STILL changing me everyday. Some days I fall back to my old thought processes and cycles of defeat. But I am seeing more days where I see myself as the daughter of the Most High, the King of the Universe, and the Creator of ALL things. I am seeing myself as worthy and victorious… over food, over my thoughts and actions that do not reflect the ME God created ME to be, and I am exercising and eating because I LOVE MYSELF! Not as punishment. As reward. I know I will still have my days where the devil will creep in and tell me lies. But I have to remember the truth. And I have to remember that however God wants to keep changing me, and how HARD it is, IT IS ABSOLUTELY 110% WORTH IT.
“And we know that for those who love God ALL things work together for good, for those called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
“In ALL things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us.” Romans 8:37
“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
“To Him who is able to do IMMEASURABLY MORE than ALL we can ASK or IMAGINE.. to HIM be the GLORY.” Ephesians 3:20-21
“He has made everything beautiful in its time.” Ecclesiastes 3:11
“Behold, I am making all things new!” Revelation 21:5
Today I am thankful for 2013. The year of change. And I am thankful that God is ALL He says He is. LOVE. PATIENT. KIND. NOT EASILY ANGERED AND DOES NOT KEEP A RECORD OF WRONGS (I have A LOT!) Because He is who The Bible, the living Word, says He is… I was able to trust Him in the change. Trust that He was revealing all the hurt so that He could heal me. And I am thankful that He provided me a loving, nurturing home with my cousin and her husband who didn’t expect or even want me to be perfect. But instead allowed me to be sad, to be vulnerable, to be honest and allow God’s healing to take place in their home. I know it would not have happened anywhere else. Thank y’all so much for showing me who God is by YOUR love that is such a reflection of Christ.
I am so excited to see what God has in store for 2014. I at least know the second half will be an adventure!
Thanks for everyone reading that has loved me in 2013. Just the way I was. Just the way I am. And those who have seen God work in tremendous ways in my life, I hope you know this change was not just for me, it is available to ALL, and the perfect part is I didn’t have to do a thing except LET God do the changing and trust Him (and even I couldn’t do that most days!) God will never give up on you. I hope you go through the depths of change to reach the peaks of HOPE, LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, PEACE… and ALL GOD HAS AND SO WANTS TO GIVE! Just ask!
I hope that my life will always be a reflection of the power, beauty, and love of God. He isn’t finished with me yet.
XOXOXO
Whitney
