The Details: We have
been in Antigua for the last several days receiving teaching as a squad in the
morning, learning to eat on a budget for lunch, growing as a team in the
afternoon, leader’s meetings before budget dinners, and followed by nightly
worship. This time has been dedicated to
preparing us as a squad to confidently be sent out to the nations.
I am a team leader for Ekklesia Epikos-it means “those
called to live an epic life”-so I arrived two days before the rest of the squad
for additional preparation. In short, my
purpose for being here was radically shifted within the first 24 hours of
arrival. My plan was to go with my team
and minister in whatever way the culture and situation allowed: construction, teaching, preaching, cleaning,
serving, playing, etc. Err Err (that was
supposed to be the buzzer sound.) 
My role as Team Leader is so much more than making sure
things happen as they should. My
ministry is the six amazing people on my team:
Alana, Will, Sydnee, Maryanne, Jamie, and Caiti. I am here to serve and love alongside
each of them, of course, but even more so I’M HERE TO SERVE AND LOVE THEM to
make sure that their experience is as fruitful as possible for them and those
they encounter. This revelation has transformed
my perspective for the race. It’s been
made clear that, “My love for the nations won’t exceed my love for my brothers
and sisters.” There are two squad
leaders, Sean Smith and Andrea Wendel, and they are with us for about four
months to lead the squad but even specifically to love and pour into the seven
team leaders. I have never met a man of
God as sincere, devoted, loving, and passionate as Sean. He will be an invaluable resource in my life
and growth in the coming months.
The Present: I’m
writing this while on a bus ride to my team’s first ministry site: Panajachel,
Guatemala. Apparently it’s gorgeous and geographically
situated next to a lake, but it’s dark and heavy spiritually. The reality of what I signed up for is
finally hitting me.
The Reality: My mind
and heart are torn. In one aorta I’m
looking forward to being stripped down to who I am at the core, yet I’m anxious regarding the pain, tears, and
vulnerability it will take to get there.
In the other, I am excited to be living and serving with just my team,
but I’m overly aware of the challenges that await: being real with each other, settling
conflict, being away from the squad and leadership team that has nurtured my
heart, soul, and mind to a level I’ve never known. (This is still a little weird and unknown to
me, but on October 8, 2009, I honest to goodness felt the Holy Spirit in a way
that I never have. Everything that
happened was real and makes perfect sense even in my analytical, logical mind. I apologize for such ambiguous language, but
be on the lookout for more details in the future. The point is that I’ve never believed in the
love and reality of God more in my life.)
My cerebellum says, “Hold on a second.
Where and what do you think you’re doing?” My ventricles fire back with, “Life can and
will flow from a wretch like me.” 
The Analogy: It’s
like I’m packing up everything I’ve known as comfortable and shoving it in a
backpack with complete confidence that it’s what and where I should be. There is not a single overwhelming
emotion. They are all present. They are all real. They are all redemptive.
Shoot, that’s not an analogy. Oh well, but that’s why I’m here. To refine and be refined. “As iron sharpens iron…”
