I had a conversation with a friend over g-chat back in January. She was trying to decide whether or not she should go on the Race. Fast forward several months: She just finished Training Camp and is leaving behind everything she knows and feels entitled to for the next 11 months. (She's going on the Race.) It's a little long, but if nothing else it's the "real me" and not some polished version you get in the blogs, and it will connect with one of my upcoming blogs quite well. (Oh, her name really isn't Rachel.)
me: apply yet?
Rachel: gahhh
no.
talked to rusty on the phone on sunday
Rachel: i dont know if i'm going to apply anymore, though.
me: why's that?
Rachel: um..i don't know.
a variety of reasons
1. the last time i felt this "called" to something was for teaching
so I don't know how well I'm hearing God
I don't know if I want to do it for the right reasons
basically.
me: and what reasons are those?
Rachel: I don't know. Like, I have the reasons I think I want to do it, but what about hidden motivations
and I'm worried part of me is doing it because I'm so discontent and restless and yearning for something more
and what if I go and nothing changes…I don't grow closer to God, I don't love others better, serve others better, hear God's plan for me better
and I don't feel like I'm the type of person who does missions
me: what I just read is that you're "perfect" for the Race
and I'm not just saying that
I promise
Rachel: haha.
me: before you wrote your response my leader–she works for World Race–said that the two reasons people apply, are accepted, and have their lives changed are because they
1) want more and 2) are running away from something
I just read your response to her and she got a big smile on her face
she said you are hearing the still small whisper
and I would say like 78% of people on the trip still don't see themselves as missionaries
being a "missionary" is not what I ever thought it meant
Rachel: no…i know that
but I mean
I'm not you
me: what's your point?
Rachel: I don't know…I can't find the right words…I'm not the "good Christian"
I have more flaws?
I don't know.
me: I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm for real on this
this is not the GOOD CHRISTIAN missions trip
I'm serious
this is the "I'm jacked up, but God isn't" missions trip
Rachel: this is the part where if we were having a face to face conversation
i would give a blank stare
and then a smirk
and not really have anything to say
I don't know.
me: I do not want to make any decisions for you
Rachel: i know.
me: but if the reasons are that you don't feel "good enough" and you aren't sure that you will change
that is a lie and a fear that God doesn't want you to have
God sees you as the person He made you to be
He made you to be a beautifully complex, wonderful, brave woman of God
this Race is not about changing you
it's not, I promise
it's about you realizing who God has made you to be
nobody has their act together, and if they think they do, their dirt just takes longer for God and the community around them to pull out
do you have the desire to hear God's voice?
to discover who this God of the Bible is?
Rachel: yes, yes.
me: this Race will put you on that path
it won't solve everything
but you will be in an environment that is the absolute safest place you can be
a group of people bonded by love that will push each other and not leave each other where they're at
Training Camp alone rocked my world with things I had never been exposed to
the Holy Spirit, prophecy (which often is just encouragement)
I thought so much of it was WEIRD!!!!
and so did so many others
but nobody is trying to impress anybody else
it's a community where everything can be put on the table without being judged
where we've come from is not who we are.
Who we are is who God sees us as.
and my Teach for America experience prepared me so much for this race
not my church upbringing
because I was used to not having to put up this front that I don't have everything together
one of the biggest things for the race is "being ok with not being ok"
give me something girl
what you thinking?
Rachel: um
honestly
me: yes please
Rachel: ok..I don't know..my head is going in 10 different directions
ok, so I know when things in my head are lies, but it doesn't change that they're there
me: well said
Rachel: so the prevailing thought is "yes, what weston is saying is true. For everyone on the trip. Doesn't mean it will be true for you."
which I get is ridiculous
but it’s what is there
but I know it's not truth
me: thank you for the honesty
Rachel: except the "what if" it is truth
ya know.
me: I do completely
good point
any other honest doubts
Rachel: the little things
the money things
i talked to rusty about this one…that if I don't have a plan for when i get back, that's all i'll be thinking about when I go there…so I'm wanting to have grad school stuff worked out for when i get back
but then i'm like, i'm not giving god control of my life then
me: good good good
Rachel: and training falls during my summer job
so i wouldnt get the money to pay back my loan
because i couldnt work that term
but honestly
all those things i dont care about
those are my rationalizations of why i shouldnt do it to avoid my real insecurities about not doing it
me: is God God?
I for one doubted that for the first two months of the race
and most of the summer before
my first comment to the squad at training camp two months before leaving was that I was struggling with doubts that God was real, that I had just rationalized everything in my head to believe in Christianity
not sure why I'm telling you this, or how it applies to our conversation
but God didn't smack me at any point with an overwhelming sense of peace
my motivations weren't the purest
(I love experiences and this was a great way to get them)
Rachel: haha
me: I will say that my heart's desire for more was there
I knew there is more to God than I get Sunday mornings
I knew God wanted more of me
I knew that I had NEVER really trusted God with anything
Rachel: hm.
me: nobody has the "right" reasons for going
you can't
part of that is because how the World Race advertises itself as only about 12% of what it really is
you won't understand that until a few months into the Race
you'll probably understand that faster than others because of your teaching experience
you understand that it takes a long long time to cause change in an area
but that you, Rachel Carlson, change while trying to bring about change
which are you more in control of?
Rachel: haha
um.
me: (the answer is: you're in control of how much you change, not others)
but this "change" that I mentioned earlier isn't a change of your personality or anything like that
it's a perspective shift
it's not just believing in God's love, but experiencing it
and the shift that comes from that realization
man, I wish you could know the stories behind the people on the race now
everybody is jacked up–as you would point out, some not as visibly–but God doesn't want us to be jacked up
that's because of this world, our culture, our family, our friends
am I rambling too much?
Rachel: no…not at all.
me: I'm sorry, I just know that if anyone from the squad weren't to finish the Race it would hurt me so much inside
because that means they would have missed out on understanding and walking in more of who God intends for them to be
and this isn't a matter of good and bad
come drink on the race
pretty much everyone will join you
Rachel: haha
me: it's about grace
and being with a group of people that honestly want what is best for you
not just themselves
it takes some time to get there though, because it's not magic
there has to be nights of long long talks going through miscommunications and harsh feelings
but the people here are committed to each other
we're in covenant
my position as one of the squad leaders is to raise up other leaders
that's it, that's my role for the next 8 months
it’s to play a role in making the other 41 people the best they can be
there are people over me doing that for me
this isn't an 11 month trip
Rachel: ugh..yes.
me: I could keep going and going
but I'm guessing the thought in your head is still, "yes, that's true for others, but what if it's not for me?"
Are you God's daughter? Then YES it's for you.
Rachel: yeah.
and the thought that I don't want to regret not doing this for the rest of my life
me: and I'm not just trying to advocate the World Race in all of this
if you can find another way to garner the things I've laid out, do it
it's not about the Race, it's about you!
just like teaching, you won't be able to explain the World Race when you're on it
you'll try, like I just tried, but people won't get it
Rachel: haha
and people will think they get it…but they dont.
me: as cheesy as it is, love is a verb
God's love is meant to be experienced
it's not principles for the mind, but matters for the heart
ok, I'll stop
reread this chat sometime if you want
Rachel: oh you know I will.
when stupid lies are being whispered
and/or shouted
me: God uses everything for His good
Rachel: i will come back to it for truth
me: His timing is perfect, not ours
Rachel: I know.
me: really? do you really believe that? really?
because I don't
I just say it because I've grown up being taught to say it
Rachel: haha
um
no
I guess not
me: I'm learning more and more that's it true though
I'm not there
maybe when I'm 80
maybe
Rachel: ugh…I hope I'm not alive at 80.
me: but why walk in spoon fed truth?
when the real truth is out there not to be grasped, but to be pursued
you're awesome
There's so much in you Rachel. So much.
peace out girl
Rachel: peace, Weston
again thanks
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