The following blog is an excerpt from an email that my friend sent me after returning from a one month World Race Relief trip. (Admittedly, the pictures are Google images from the earthquake.) I’m posting it—with permission from the author—because she captures so much of the heart of the World Race. I like to use the line that much of this trip is about realizing and walking in how God looks at us. Seeing ourselves as God sees us and the byproducts thereof. This is a one month picture of what is going on in hundreds of Racer’s lives over the course of eleven months. Thank you Emily for your vulnerability, willingness, and passion. “Well done good and faith servant.”
I really truly was not prepared for how difficult it would be to come back into the States, I had heard it would be hard but I was like "nah, that'll be the easy part." I guess I didn't expect to find such family in my team (such a phenomenal community), to love the kids and Momma (the lady who ran the orphanage) so much, to love sleeping under the stars, to be so poured into and loved by everyone around me, to learn about and have gifts called out of me that I didn't know I had, to love sleeping under the Haitian stars with 9 family members I loved so dearly, to realize how unnecessary American excess is, to wake up and have one agenda: listen to God's voice and obey…and the list goes on. I didn't expect to love the trip so so so much…I had no idea Haiti was to restore me and I would get SO much more out of it than I could possibly give. I know people say that, I've said that before after "mission trips,” but Weston this time was different…so so different.
My trip. Hm. It's so hard to put into words.
My team was probably the biggest blessing… We all laid down our selfishness to protect the unity of our team. We addressed conflict, wrestled with it, and prayed through it. There was NO gossiping, there was open dealing with issues. We called each other out, to deal with our shit (purposeful emphasis), to walk forward in change, and to use the gifts we saw in each other.
Momma ran the orphanage of 55 beautiful kids. I didn't speak their language but God used these kids and Momma to restore me. To love me when I didn't want to be loved, to hug me when I wanted to shove people away, to have me smell armpits after shower time, and to remind me that I was meant to love and be loved. I miss waking up on the roof of the orphanage, looking over and hearing "Emily Emily!" and running downstairs to get my morning "Bon Jours" and kisses. God used these people to restore me and I can't wait to go back and to work to love and support them from the States as I share their stories.
Forgiveness. I'm pretty darn close to getting a tattoo. Padonnen, which is forgiven in kreole. The short version is I've just been walking in the weight of so much shame, guilt, and failure. Between TFA, family stuff, roommate stuff…I mean the list goes on and on. So I'm pretty much one huge walking insecurity, and it completely shapes how I interact with people, and how I assume they perceive me.
Anyhow, the biggest, most blessed gift of the trip was God opening my eyes to how I've rejected His forgiveness. I don't walk in the incredible truth of the Gospel, I walk in the shame of who I was. It has created such a bitterness in me, I don't trust anyone and their words of encouragement, I've put up crazy deceptive walls…I mean this may not sound like a lot Weston, but it's huge huge huge for me…I'm just having a hard time explaining it in an email.
I wish that my team praying over me fixed everything, but I think it was just the start of a journey of dealing with this and diving into who God is. The team has been incredible about calling and continuing to walk through this with me…I'm just so so blessed to have them and I'm so grateful for the start of the journey of healing.
I hate processing. Hence right after TFA I ran to Haiti so I didn't have to process. Another long story made short, God took my voice. The 2nd to last night that I want to spend laughing and talking with my team…God takes my voice. I'm so frustrated, but it led to my leader coming to speak with me and pray over me during worship…probably one of the most incredible nights of my time there. She pretty much talked about how God was calling me to intimacy with Him, to dive into the heart of these issues with Him alone and find deep, possibly harsh truth, that could only come from time with Him.
The next day I sat for hours…I journaled 15 pages…15 Weston! I only stopped b/c my pen ran out of ink 🙂 God showed me a lot, not the whole picture though. He mostly showed me the need to continue seeking 
quiet time with Him, and to dive into things that hurt instead of running from them.
Haiti was one of the most beautiful, life-changing experiences I've ever had, and I'm so incredibly grateful for it. God is restoring my heart and doing that continuing work of shaping me into the person He's created me to be. Not this person who is shut down, bitter, and burned after TFA, but a person open to love strangers, my church, and my friends and family around me.
