What am I to do when all I want to do is shout, scream and give up?
To give up on the community around me, on getting up early to spend time with the Lord, on continuing to do ministry day in and day out. What do I do when all I just want to do is scream my madness out and leave, but can’t because I’m still here… on the race, millions of miles away from my first home, in the U.S of A. What do I do then when all I just want to be is for it to be o v e r and d o n e with?
What do I do then?
What do I do when my community or the people around me don’t act in ways that hurt me? When I get hurt by their inaction and actions? And what do I do when the madness that plagues each person individually within my community (i.e. personal struggles, things that happened at home, etc.), seems to force me to mask my own?
What then do I do when I choose to not follow…?
To choose the things of this world rather then go joyfully and humbly to the restful presence of our Heavenly Father? What then?
What will happen when I decide to pick up a mask that is from the past or not my own and put it on?
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But then a question seeps into my mind… “What would happen if you still chose ME?”
Then it continues, “Wendy, I am still here, I WILL NOT leave you, no matter what you did or will do.”
And then I hear the word,
G R A C E .
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Grace doesn’t tell me to put on a mask and dance around the way everyone else tells me I should. It also doesn’t allow me to tell others how they should dance either.
Instead it’s a beautiful waltz that my Father continuously invites me to dance into, with no masks on, even if I’m not dressed up to par in jogging shorts and a t-shirt. It teaches me to forgive myself and others, especially when all I want to do is give up and stop trying. It also tells me to stop putting on masks of bravery, untruthful joyfullness and my idea of a perfect leader. It is through this dance that I am learning to extend grace to others and to myself.
What I’m learning Grace says. It says:
-“I can’t take on the burden and heartache that comes when others’ say or do something that may hurt me.”-that’s grace extended to me
-“Simply check up on them [my community]: ask questions and continue trying even if your own flesh doesn’t want to and walk away when appropriate.”-that’s grace extended to them.
-“Do not give your title as a team leader more weight than it can to bear; it’s okay if you’re not your ‘typical leader’.”-that’s grace extended to me.
-“Do not take on other people’s burdens for them; they can handle it. God will not give them more than they can handle.”-that’s grace extended to me and them.
God first showed the world what grace looked like, making the ultimate sacrifice to show us that. It is a daily choice to choose to live for Him, which includes His community of people [my teammates] and the unreached [the world] and myself. I pray that I continue to choose Him and to go to Him when all I can think about is going home or giving up.
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“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
??2 Corinthians? ?12:9-10? ???
