Where my heart’s at right now.
Looking back over these past 9 months I am so amazed by this journey God’s brought me on. Amongst what I can call the hardest year of my life thus far, He’s shown up in so many good ways & continued to bless me. I am writing this blog from a completely different aspect of my race, from home. God spoke to me in Guatemala & showed me where I needed to be. My race since the very beginning was different than others races. My very first month on the field, I received news that my mom passed away. I cannot even begin to tell you how hard that news was to swallow, my heart was broken & it was by God's grace & strength that I was able to return to my race a month after hearing such tragic news.When I left the Philippines back in September, I thought at that moment my race was over. I didn`t understand how I could continue on this journey with a broken heart. How was I supposed to continue on & give my heart when it’s broken? Why would God call me to a mission & allow such things to happen? During this tragedy, so many questions, emotions & confusion went through my head. But the thing that I was able to cling to amongst this hard time was His calling on my life. He called me to this journey & all I knew is I wanted to follow & obey, even when it didn't make sense. This is where my heart is at now. I don't fully understand why He called me home early, technically I still have 2 months left on the race; but God wanted me home. His plan doesn't always look how we imagine it looking & it’s been a humbling experience to just follow & obey when I can’t see the end result.
There is so much within that has piled up these last 8 months that I need to face & deal with to receive healing. I know I could have stayed on the race & finished until the end, but my reasons for staying were selfish; to be able to say I finished & to please others. Ultimately though, my heart's desire is to please God, & this means taking the more humble route & obeying His call, even when it doesn't make sense. One thing that I do know is His peace through it all is a peace that can only come from Him. I returned to the race back in October with His peace, & now I leave the race 2 months early with that same peace; a peace that goes beyond all understanding, my heart is at ease.
My heart’s desire is to please God with all I do & to always serve others out of love. During my month in Guatemala, ministry started to feel more like a duty & I knew my heart wasn’t in the right spot to continue on right now. I know God can take us in our weakest moments & renew us to continue pouring out more. This is just a period of time where God’s will for me is to take time & be healed within. The truth is grieving is a process, & it takes time. It is time to accept that God is okay with me taking this time for myself, I don’t need approval of others & I don’t need to feel guilty for doing this. & this time for healing is what my races finish line looks like. My race is unique & different, but still 100% ordained by God, & I am so proud of my race & how beautiful it is because God directed it all. I can look back & see His hand over every aspect & His provision & strength completely covering over me the entire time.
The theme of my race is His faithfulness. I learned that even when life makes no sense, God is faithful. He never leaves our side. He is constantly with us, always. Even when life brings pain & trials, He is faithful. Even when life brings death, He is faithful.
I am thankful that during a time of death & sadness in my life, God still brought joy & life. He gave me the courage to persevere in what He called me to. He is faithful. I am thankful that I had the courage to make the decision to come home early without the burden of trying to please others; God granted me His peace & it was enough. I realized that my heart’s desire is to please Him & Him alone. I am thankful that He has so much renewing & healing to do in me & that I have so much hope for the future & what He has in store. I am thankful for the amazing journey I had traveling to 9 countries on 4 different continents & the amazing people I met & traveled with. I am thankful for this opportunity & all the love & support I had from many back home. I am thankful that I came home changed, & God is continually revealing to me more ways He’s changed my heart these past 9 months. I now have a view of the world that isn’t separated by culture or distance, I see the world as His & I can put names & faces to countries; not just numbers.
I cannot express how thankful I am to have experienced the past 9 months. It has forever changed my life & my view on life & I know missions will be a part of my future. I look forward to supporting missionaries who give their lives to serving others & furthering His kingdom & traveling again as a missionary someday. This was only the beginning, God has so much more for my future & I look forward to His healing within so I can continue to serve for His Kingdom.
This race was my first mission trip ever. & I am so thankful for the way He gave me a heart for missions & for the nations. I cannot picture my life without having missions be a part of it, I know there will be so much more to come in the future & I am excited about it!
Thank You….
again to everyone who supported me, finacially, prayerfully, through encouragement, following my blogs, or by believing in what I'm doing! There were so many moments throughout my race I knew I was getting by through your prayers! Words cannot express how thankful I am & priviledged to have had this opportunity!! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!
