God has really been working in my heart, bringing healing & peace in accepting my mother's death. Coming back onto the mission field after hearing such tragic news was a huge struggle for me. I had to fight an inner battle of guilt, feeling guilty for wanting to be back on this trip & continuing on with my life rather than grieving & sulking in the fact that I miss her alot. & feeling guilty at times when I found myself very joyful & loving life. I'd quickly think "why am I so happy, my mother just died I shouldn't be happy." It's a struggle I found myself facing daily since I've been back on the race.
The truth is, I do miss her alot. I miss her so much. I miss picking up the phone & hearing her sweet loving motherly voice & I miss having that one person who you could say anything to & she would never judge you; she would only want to help & give advice in any way she could. The truth is I miss my mother terribly & I still tear up when I hear songs or things that remind me of her.
Thankfully, I serve a God who understands loss & pain, He understands these exact feelings I have. & He has been working in my heart, allowing me to feel joy again without feeling guilty for feeling joy. He has allowed me to have peace with the situation & the understanding that she is in a better place, pain free, joyful & she will never shed another tear of sadness. He has also given me opportunities to share with others we are ministering to about my mother's death & give testimony to His provision & healing.
Some verses I found much comfort in are:
For God did not appoint us to wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us, that whether we wake or sleep, we should live together with Him. 1 Thessalonians 5:9-10
But I do not want you to be ignorant, bretheren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died & rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
I thank God for the peace He brought to my heart, I know where my mother is & I know that she nor God want me to sulk in sadness over her passing. I don't have to feel guilty for being on this trip & having the time of my life, I know that is what my mother would have wanted. I love that I can honour her by living this amazing adventure & she would want me to embrace every moment & every opportunity that comes my way. So as I have this opportunity to travel the world & serve, I am going to enjoy myself, laugh alot & celebrate that my mother is with the Lord, rather than sulking in sadness.
