Insignificant. Unworthy. Less. Insecure.
These are all true of me (Codie). Or so I have always believed.
I grew up in a good family, my parents are amazing & Christians who raised me in church, I’ve volunteered in church, my siblings are amazing examples of disciples of Christ, I have always had encouraging friends, it’s all been “right”, but somehow I didn’t make it out alright.
I’ve held a job since I was 15. I took my first mission trip overseas at 15. I graduated high school when I was 17. I lived in India with my brother all summer when I was 19. I graduated college when I was 20. I never dated a guy until my husband. I never kissed a guy until my husband. These seem like good things, and they aren’t bad, unless they are what defines me.
All my life, since I was 15 I’ve been trying to prove that I am worthy, that I am enough, that I deserve love. I went to college to prove I was smart. I went overseas to prove I could serve Jesus. I never dated anyone to prove I could wait. I’ve been trying to prove myself to everyone, even my husband. I’ve been trying to be the “perfect” wife so he will think I’m worthy of his love. Nevertheless, I’ve lived most of my 20’s as a depressed human trying to find a light at the end of the tunnel. I put on smiles, and I try to make it through each day, but most days are hard. I am insecure in who I am, what I am capable of, and that God loves me and wants to use me.
I LOVE photography. (but I’m not good.)
I have a passion for creating things. (but I’m not creative enough.)
I like drawing & painting. (but I’m not talented.)
I’m artistic. (but I’m not an artist.)
I love to sing. (but I have a terrible voice.)
I love Jesus & want to show Him to the world. (but I don’t know how to spread the gospel.)
Truth. (lies.)
I didn’t expect training camp to change me, and I don’t know if anyone would say it did.
It didn’t.
God did.
Halfway through the week I was pretty upset, I was pretty much done with that week. Everyone seemed to be changing. They were praying and weeping and writing and I was…? Multiple times they had prayed during worship for the Holy Spirit to fill us, and for us to be changed. Now, to be fair, they warned us that we might not feel a thing, but most people were feeling things…not I. I came to Wayne, sat on his lap, and just cried. “What’s wrong with me!?” I cried. “Why don’t I feel change? Why isn’t anything happening to me? Everyone else is experiencing God but I’m not!” (I am 100% sure God made Wayne for me). He held me, let me cry, and said “nothing is wrong with you. God didn’t forget about you.” simple, not wordy, but really just what I needed to hear. We worshiped a lot at training camp, and one song in particularly would touch me every time. We could have sang it for literally hours and I would have meant it every single time.
“You make me brave, You call me out beyond the shore into the waves, You make me brave, no fear can hinder now the promises You’ve made”
I stood there, eyes closed, head tilted toward the ceiling, both hands cupped in front of me like I was receiving a gift, and I would sing those words with every ounce of my soul. I knew it was true.
That is what God did to me at training camp. He called me out beyond the shore into the waves, the waves of facing my own lies, and the waves of clinging to his promises. I have been living my life believing lies and dwelling in fear, but God said I’m done with that. God said that I’m significant. God said I’m worthy. God said I’m more than enough. God said I am secure in Him.
