I have to admit, I did not fully know what to expect going into training camp. My expectation was of something close to church camp. It was nothing like that at all. I truly encountered Jesus in some amazing ways at training camp. One of the most powerful ways was through the surrender walk.
We as a group were brought to a location close to the lake near our camp. We were asked to write on these logs whatever the Lord was leading us to lay down and surrender before Him. I started to pray and ask God what He would lead me to place at the foot of the cross. The first round of things that started to come to mind were things like: marriage, future dreams, money, and some other surface level things. I thought I was done.
So I waited on the Lord a little more and things like control, security, fear, and self worth started to come to mind. So I wrote those on the log. Then I was called up to walk the trail. 4 groups of people began to pray over me and I was sent on my way. Along the way, there were some other people stationed that asked me the question of if I needed to add anything to the log. At first I was content to say no, but then I realized that I had left off PERFORMANCE which is my biggest sin struggle. My issues of performance have ruled my life since I was born. When I live my life under this, my entire worth in life is gauged by how I am doing in something instead of who Jesus says I am. It’s a seriously difficult battle.
So I knew at the next station I would add that on to the log because I wanted to lay that down before the Lord. When I got to the next station though, one of the ministry team leaders asked me if this log represents the weight of what I am carrying inside of me. I looked at this log and came to a quick conclusion that it did not. So I started to look around and the Lord directed my attention towards a rock that was in the ground. I started to pull the rock up and realized that this was a huge rock. I wrote performance on the rock and began to haul the rock and the log up the hill and it was exhausting. So I made it back to camp thinking that was the last stop. It was not even close ☹
So I climbed up this huge hill with both the rock and the log, all the while not really sure I was actually going to be able to do this. I was praying like crazy that God would give me the strength to complete the task that He had placed before me. So I made it up the hill thrilled only to find out that I was only about half way there. Corey Jacobs, one of the amazing ministry staff team, was there and began to pray over me and then he told me that he felt that the Lord wanted me to get rid of the log. I was thrilled at this and really did not care if he heard a voice from the Lord or not. I was just happy to be carrying less weight.
So I started up the find hill/what felt like a small mountain and the Lord started to speak into my reality. Everything on the log could be summed up in single word performance that was written on the rock and so it was pointless for me to carry the log up as well. Also as I carried this huge rock on my shoulders, I began to realize for the first time the weight of my struggle with performance and how when I am carrying this, my life is weighed down in an incredible way. I am limited to the freedom and movement I can experience and that God wants me to have.
I was getting extremely tired carrying this probably 50-pound rock up the mountain. Along the way, people were praying for me and at one point, all I could do is keep my eyes down and try to take one step forward as Dan, one of my awesome teammates, acted as my eyes guiding me. I finally made it to the top and dropped this rock of performance at the foot of the cross. I began to pray and place my burdens before the Lord. After this, I met with one of the directors of the training camp and he began to speak some great but tough truth over me. I began to walk away and Satan began to attack.
I started to hear the lies that I was not good enough and that if I was a better follower of Christ and a better leader, then that would not happen. And in that moment, I was able by God’s grace to stop, speak out loud God’s truth over my own life saying, “No, that issue is back there at the cross and now I stand here” and in that moment God recalled Psalm 84 to me where it says that “I would rather be a door keeper in the house of God then dwell in the tents of the wicked.” It was such a freeing moment. I don’t have to perform. I don’t have to have my worth wrapped up in how things are going. I am a child of the most High and whether I serve Him on a stage or in serving people food, I have great worth for it is better to be a doorkeeper for Jesus Christ than to live any other life!!
