Tracing back to training camp in June when we had a session on identity, the exercise was to identify our false ego that gets in the way of revealing our true self. I realized that I didn’t know what my true self was. After training camp and before launch, a wise woman asked me – if you are stripped of your achievements and education, who are you?
I could not answer it. I didn’t know.
Growing up in Hong Kong, it was all about the school you were in and how well you did in school, which was determined by the class and grade ranking, and how many more extracurricular activities you could tap into. Everything felt like there is a need for validation and competition. For example, everyone learned at least one instrument and we all had to take the royal academy of music exam every so often. Saying that you played an instrument did not mean much unless you could prove with a certificate of the level you passed and the score you received. Saying that you sang in a choir did not matter unless you’d won competitions and titles.
I subconsciously carried that mentality when I moved to the US. I became competitive, would not settle for anything less than perfect, and eventually really stopped trying new things in fear of failure.
Since high school, I prided myself in the leadership positions I held, whether it was president, captain, chair, subject matter expert…etc. As a task oriented person, I was always focused on how to most efficiently complete the task on hand, forgetting about investing in those around me. I would just say, “I am not a people person,” and brush that part off without even trying. I was so defined by the titles I held, which came from things I accomplished. The question was, “if I am stripped from my achievements and education, who am I?”
I don’t know.
Without knowing my past and my frustrations from the identity session in training camp, my squadmate Jenny spoke an image over me back in June. She saw God swirling a large glass of wine with a smile and said, “ Daughter, you are in for an adventure! I will soon reveal to you the gifts that you didn’t know you have; you just have to trust me.”
I was not ready. I was nervous. I was excited. I was launched into the World Race adventure two months later!
Month 1 was incredible. My team had the opportunity to partner with an amazing team from the Novi Sad Christian Fellowship with the primary focus on teenagers; that included a week of teenager camp, preparing for the beginning of the 10-week Alpha course, and following up / hanging out with the teenagers. My heart was so full as the teenagers poured their hearts to us and accepted us into the community and loved us so effortlessly.
One very tiring night after we kicked all the teenagers out of the church, we had team time. Since words of affirmation is most of my teammates’ love language, the prompt was to have at least 3 people speak truth into each teammate. Everyone ended up speaking into each teammate. It was powerful. The exercise helped me appreciate my teammates so much more. The words spoke over me were surprising – what I saw as my weaknesses were what my team affirmed as my strengths! The words spoke over me were connectedness, awareness, and challenging. Part of the feedback culture is to accept the feedback, good or bad, with a simple “thank you” and sit on it for at least 24 hours before choosing to respond.
While pondering about the words spoken to me, I realized that it was almost time to farewell the teenagers. That made me sad. I’ve belly laughed, ugly cried, and sincerely prayed with and over these teenagers. In a short month, I’ve felt their joy, their love, and their hurt; I’ve heard their stories, their dreams, and their struggles. Going into the world race, I didn’t expect to form such a deep relationship with people in such a short period of time. Never would I have expected to say this, but these teenagers have captured my heart.
While my identity had been based on my title or accomplishments for a long time, God has been using different experiences and people to soften my heart. In my mind, the Race is exactly what I need to find my identity. When I am taken out of the context of being an engineer in NYC, who am I?
I still don’t know, but that is ok.
I trust that the Lord will begin to reveal that to me this year and even after the Race. I am excited. It may not be a pretty process, but definitely coming soon!
