“The vast majority of us go to our graves without knowing who we are. We unconsciously live someone else’s expectations for us.”- Peter Scazzero
As I say final goodbyes and peel myself away from my comforts I have to remind myself why I chose to put myself in this situation in the first place.
The process started the summer of 2014 when I was spit out of the tornado of my “life” and landed into the hands of our Heavenly Father. His love and comfort in the midst of my pain was…unfathomable. Unthinkable peace and love that I didn’t earn was there for the taking during my darkest hour.
My desire for missions isn’t to pay off my sinful debts. My debts have been paid in full through my Redeemer, Jesus Christ.
My desire for 11 countries in 11 months isn’t just to travel. I would love to travel along side and experience life with my sidekick Aaron, visit the beautiful/ bug-free/recommended tourist spots, and have access to plumbing.
So what am I looking for here with The World Race?
I want to break off all the layers of my “false self.” I want to break off the anger. I want to break off the expectations of myself. I want to break off the expectations of those around me. I want to break off the insecurities. I want to break off the fake smile that so easily hides my breaking heart and racing thoughts.
I am going on a journey to find my God-given “true self” so that I may truly, deeply, and vastly know God. A God who humbled Himself to become human and die for me while I was still a sinner. What love is this?!
I prayed “God, show me. Show me who you are. Show me your people. Show me your KINGDOM! I don’t want to live for myself anymore because it isn’t satisfying or permanent. I want you to use me. Use every part of me Father!”
During the application process for the race I had a difficult time trusting and “letting go” to let God take me on this journey. During an overly emotional prayer of “God what about ______, ______, _____?!” I heard God tell me, “I don’t need you to do this Vivian. If you want me to show you what you ask for, I have this adventure FOR YOU…but I don’t need you to go.”
This “race” is about my Father’s love for me. He has something to show me. He has a new creation He is making. Building me up as a soldier for His Kingdom. Time to pick up my sword.
“Change comes from brutal honesty and vulnerability before God.” -Peter Scazzero
So here I am…pulling myself and God out of the box. As we embark on a 11 month journey to 11 countries without all the comforts and dependencies I’ve developed over 30 years, I will press in. I will continue to trust and press into the pain. Press into the sadness. Press into the joy. Press into the life He has promised me. Press in and get to know the Vivian he created to be truly “full of life!”
Poem I wrote through this process:
“Broken Free”
Break out! Break out now!
Don’t let the walls close in.
Keep pressing in! Don’t stop now!
There is so much more. Take my hand, lets begin.
Break out! Break out now!
Set your eyes on me.
Keep moving forward. One step at a time.
Look around you now. You are free!
Flying higher than the mountains!
There is no limit to us now.
Diving deeper than the seas!
This freedom will last as long as you will allow.
Stay will me, child.
I’ve longed to show you the way.
Don’t put limits on me, child.
Here by my side, you are invited to forever stay.
Keep the walls down, child.
I dare you to ask for more.
Keep pressing in. Seeking and searching.
I’ll give you more than you even know to ask for.
