The ground was cold and inviting for my more than 98 degree body temperature. I lay on the cold tile as I listened to the whirring noise of the large over head fan after fixing that morning’s breakfast. I was so tired but my head was still swirling like the fan, around and around with all that still needed to be done that day for lunch and dinner, yet my body was fighting to tell my brain to chill while it took a much needed rest.
There was so much to get done and I “needed” to be the one to make sure it got done and was done “right.”
I don’t know if it was ever a conscious thought, that I “needed” to be the one to see to everything, or that I didn’t trust others to do something, but I took on the responsibility of making sure everything functioned and was done well.
No one told me to, yet there was this inner desire and drive that told me that I needed to be needed.
I had felt the full force of this lie the past two weeks of cooking ministry as I did everything I could to be needed by the team and the group. I didn’t just want good meals; they needed to be unique, fun, well done, and pleasing to everyone. Nothing short of impossible. I was functioning not from a place of identity in the Father but from my own idea of what would satisfy. My squad leader had noticed that I was taking on too much and had commented on it several times, but I didn’t see it as something that was wrong. I mean, serving is good and aren’t we supposed to be excellent in all we do? That idea is what would eventually leave me on the floor two weeks later, emotionally, physically, even spiritually, exhausted. I lay on the floor most of that day and tidied things around the house, thinking I was resting. But the next day, I functioned the same, out of the need to be needed, to feel like I was indispensable.
I think some of us choose to feel needed by a group because we are too afraid to find out if we weren’t needed, would we still be wanted. This would be a good description of a lot of my life in different groups. I find a niche and make myself feel needed by a group. The problem with this or any defense mechanism is that once threatened by someone else who seems more needed, by someone who is confident, or by someone who has the same giftings as you, you start to doubt your place and your whole identity piece can start to crumble. You feel attacked and want to justify why you should be there or why you’re good enough. Or sometimes, simply, you give up and your insecurities sprout up, and you believe lies that you don’t belong and that people never wanted you around and you start to pull back.
All of these thought processes are things with which I’ve wrestled and they are based on lies.
Jesus didn’t die to have orphans, but He did die to make orphans sons and daughters.
You are a son.
You are a daughter.
You have a place at the King’s tables. And when I say King. I mean THE King.
Would you like to know how cooking ended?
Sadly, I didn’t learn from that time, and the Lord allowed me to get sick, and I am so thankful.
It was Wednesday of the last week of cooking ministry, and I could not present dinner that night. I was emotionally, spiritually, and physically, drained, to the last drop. I also felt sickish, like my body was fighting something.
I knew I would have to rest. After my team prayed for me, I went to bed around 7:45 p.m. I woke the next morning around 6:20 a.m. – the latest I had slept in the past three weeks. I stumbled downstairs to see that breakfast was handled beautifully and was still really good. My two other teammates had done well by themselves. I stayed back while they went to the market and purchased everything we needed for the day. I still wasn’t necessary for that process. As I sat on the steps in the kitchen I began to relax and just enjoy watching my friends cook lunch. As I sat and laughed with them over a tomato soup that just was not working, the Lord showed me how much I actually was not needed. I was not needed to cut the tomatoes. I was not needed to stir or to decide to cook spaghetti instead. Lunch still happened without me, but boy, did I enjoy watching lunch get made. The pressure was off my shoulders. I wasn’t necessary for the process. People still had lunch and it was still good. I realized that sitting there was a gift and enjoying was a blessing. God’s work is the same way. It’s a process that should be a blessing, and it’s a gift of which to be a part.
The Lord actually doesn’t need us.
I wasn’t created out of need; therefore, I shouldn’t live out of the thought that I am needed, but I should then function out of the ‘why’ I was created. I should function out of love. I should function out of life with Him.
There is this idea in the church at home that we are needed to do the Lord’s work. That if we don’t, who will? And if we don’t oversee the process who will? And we don’t really trust others to get it done our way, the “right” way.
The Lord has taught me that I am not needed to do good works, that even good works are a gift from Him. I can’t save people, nor is it my responsibility, salvation is actually a ministry that God does. He performs it and ordains it and works on people’s heart, and it is a gift for us to be a part of it.
If God does all this, then I imagine He would like us to partner with Him instead of trying to get Him on our page. He would rather us rest in Him than try and do more without Him.
