Unworthy is probably a word that would describe this season for me yet it is the word I know is utterly against the Fathers heart since we are his children legally and for good.
So I won’t use it. I can’t use it.
Sitting on the plane ride home more than 3 months ago I felt that I had used my imagination to find all the possible routes my flesh my take and challenges that might come up for me in my transition home. I anticipated the joy of seeing my family and friends as well as any hard converstations we might have, I thought about the challenges that would come with starting school back and the temptations of living in a well oil machine of a country built for distraction. The over stimulus and the lights this American lifestyle that keep us at bay from sailing on to adventure in the mundane of life that turns out to be the most wild ride with the Spirit of God when our eyes are open to him.
I planned to combat it with intimate time with the Lord and spiritual disciplines set up. The only thing I didn’t count on was me. I couldn’t take into account how I would react or not react. I tried to plan life around me and anticipate its curves not realizing that my heart is the thing that needs to be guided more than life.
After ups and downs I’m learning more about the grace of God and the constancy of God.
Currently, 3 months later, I am sitting in the dorms on campus about to start some math homework and reflecting on how good God has been to me, not condemning, always kind, full of justice and life, always present, unmovable or unshakable and a Father. He is leading me through this time with kindness and an unmovable presence. He has set up all my needs as I am moving toward a degree in nursing.
A place I never thought I would be yet find myself enjoying classes and the work. By next spring I can apply for nursing school in for Fall 2020 and be on track towards graduating in four years and who knows whats next, Guatemala has a special place in my heart, nursing is on the horizon, and Jesus is near. So each day is being taken one step at a time.
Gods pretty dang good.
