“Why are you leaving your well-paying job as a registered nurse? Why are you pausing your pursuit of a masters degree and becoming a nurse practitioner? Why are you leaving your family in Kalamazoo, Michigan for a year? Why are you giving up your nice car and cozy bed to live out of a backpack?”
Because I doubt.
I grew up going to church twice on Sundays and attended a Christian school throughout my entire life. I was given all the Bible knowledge I thought I could handle. As I made Christian faith my own, I discovered how rich and beautiful community can be when vulnerability and love are offered openly. I learned how fulling the Spirit of the Lord was in my life and I developed a loving relationship with God outside of simply Bible knowledge.
I graduated college and received my first taste of Christian mission work in India, Israel, and Palestine in 2014. I was passionate and hungry to do more—see more, learn more, serve more. I wanted to use my nursing degree and skills to advance God’s kingdom. I was on fire and driven to serve a greater purpose than to settle into my hometown and dig into a life-long career. Things did not happen the way I planned, though. I was torn away from my roots in Christ through a series of unfortunate events. My faith crumbled as an ugly, uninvited, guest arrived on the scene.
His name—Depression.
I struggled to care for myself. I struggled to care for the people I loved. I lost hope in Jesus—a man who once was my best friend. God became just a far away idea I ignored while I was suffering in pain. I was hurting, broken, and upset at how horribly the people you love can treat you. I was irritated at the hateful and manipulative ways humans treat and speak to one another. Anxiety consumed my thoughts. Insecurity twisted my view of connections with coworkers, my family, and my friends.
I believed I was alone and that would never change. I felt nothing but empty, a deep, deep pit sank in my chest. I had no hope it would ever change until the day I died.
But miraculously the pilot light in my heart had been left on and God slowly turned up the gas. He ignited fire in me once again and returned joy to my bones!
I was reminded of the unique purpose I was created for—caring for the sick, dying, and hurting.
I was reminded of the the things I love deeply—community, family, friendship, culture, worship, travel, and belly laughter.
God reminded me once again, that His love is for the entire world—not just me!!! I decided that it was time for me to finally apply to Adventures in Missions program called the World Race (after hearing about it 4 years ago) in order to reclaim the wonderful name of Jesus for myself and also proclaim it to those who are unfamiliar.
Friends, mental health isn’t a separate issue from spiritual and physical health—and that is a truth I will share to the ends of the earth! You are not alone. It is 100% okay to doubt what you believe—I still do!!! Struggling with feeling loved and belonging is not a quick Jesus fix. Wounds people cut deep into your heart hurt for years and the process to heal takes time and effort.
I know that was created by design. I know I was created with a passion for promoting wholeness in the lives of others. I know that I have the capability to extend God’s love and grace to those who are desperate to feel loved and acknowledged. And I will go to the ends of the earth to share the message and power of God’s love so that everyone may experience how radically it will change their lives!
