Giving Up
This whole journey has been one of the hardest but one of the most rewarding things I’ve done. Every world racer is asked “What’s the hardest thing you have experienced on the race?” That is one of the worst questions to ask because there are too many things to count. At least for me it is. I’ve had so much healing and growing on the race. Sometimes it’s been so overwhelming. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I don’t understand why. Sometimes it happens at the wrong times. Sometimes it happens at the right time. For me it seems like there is a continuous cycle of things I feared about happening while I’ve been on the race. One of my first blogs I wrote about, was about death. I’ve been terrified to get messages about loved ones dying or not in good health that could lead to death. I went through most of South Africa “avoiding it.” Then one day the cycle began for me. I had skyped my sister Jenna. She told me about how her ex boyfriend and friend were killed in a car accident. I didn’t know them well but my heart broke for her and all I wanted to do was be there for her and hug her. Then Botswana was great. I enjoyed that month so much. I had gotten messages here and there about one of my moms friends, Leslie, who was battling cancer at the time that things didn’t look good for her. I didn’t know that it meant that she would soon lose her battle. She was such a strong woman and fought with everything she had. After I found out she had passed away I couldn’t help but have a broken heart for her family and friends. Especially my mom. My mom was close to her. I couldn’t imagine losing a best friend. All I wanted to do was go home. Maybe if I went home then people would stop hurting and if they were then I could be there to take control and to comfort them. I spent months grieving that. I had dreams about Leslie for months. I couldn’t stop thinking about her kids and husband. Madagascar was rough because of that and because of horrible nightmares I had. In Vietnam I decided to get a tattoo and ended up hurting someone close to me because of it. That hurt a lot because of the disappointment they had in me. I prayed and prayed that no one else would die or that bad things would stop. I had found out someone else had passed away but I wasn’t close to her so it didn’t affect me too much. Then Cambodia hit. The month where I found so much joy. Where all the pain I was feeling was like nothing. The kids and family we worked with helped me forget and realize how to have true joy in the Lord. It was the easiest month for me. I thought to myself, “Nothing will make me lose that joy. I’ve got it. Life is great. My relationship with the Lord is amazing.” I left that month grieving because I didn’t want to leave. Then spent Thailand having nightmares again and missing what I had in Cambodia. I let it take over my thoughts and mind. I really missed out on Thailand. I realized that and spent Malaysia trying to make up for it. So much so that I started feeling like something is wrong with me. I started dealing with insecurity. I even wrote a blog about it. That month I also was full of fear because we were in a Muslim country. I couldn’t even walk down the street without counting down the minutes till I was going to be back in my hostel that I didn’t even feel safe in. Then one night all my fears came to life. Or in the moment that’s how I felt. I was woken up to a woman screaming “Oh God just go. Please just leave.” Then I heard pacing right outside my door. The woman then became silent. My mind immediately went to a man raping a woman and then killed her and either me or one of my friends would be next. Later found out a woman and her boyfriend were drunk and fighting. I was tired of living with so much fear. I Headed into Nicaragua begging the Lord to give me the same joy I had in Cambodia. So grateful that at least no one else had died. I started that month finding out that my best friends Brian and Hannah were expecting! I was so happy! I could help but cry and scream in the airport because of the joy I felt. Then I officially started the month with my momma coming to visit and do ministry alongside me. I felt so refreshed after she left. I started loving on two of the kids in Nicaragua and soon came to realize that they both reminded me of two of the kids in Cambodia. Their personalities were the spitting image of each other. I spent most of that month full of the same joy I had in Cambodia. Then my month changed over night. I got a message from Hannah’s mom that Hannah had a miscarriage. If you haven’t noticed I grieve when others grieve. Especially if they are close to me. I remember going back to Cicrin angry and questioning God. Why did he let someone else be taken away. I’m so tiered of this. I’m tiered of people being taken away. I wanted so bad to meet that little baby. I want to be with Hannah and Brian and comfort them. I thought I was done with it. My squad prayed for me and left it at that. Then Honduras hits. I’ve enjoyed this month so much. I was able to open up with my family about something. Then I found out that another one of my good friends, Jessica’s, mom has cancer and it doesn’t look good at all and that I needed to pray for a miracle. All the pieces that have been mended ended up breaking and tearing again. My team leader Ari, had a time of prayer. I sat in there and listened. It took me a while to pray myself. I found myself tiered of everything. As I reflected on all those times I realized that I wanted to take control of every situation because I didn’t think God was capable of doing it. When I finally started praying, I got down on my hands and knees and started bawling. I saw a image of me taking stones and laying them down at the Lord’s feet. Everything I’ve been holding and trying to take control of. I started praying ” Lord. I can’t do this anymore. I’m so heart broken and am crying out to you. I don’t have control. I never have. I can’t do this on my own. Lord I need you to take over. Only you can do this.” All of the sudden I felt everything lift off of my shoulders. Like I said this race hasn’t been easy at all. But there is one thing I’ve finally learned as of last night. Is that I need to give up and let
God take control of everything. I wish I would of done this earlier but I was too stubborn to. So yeah. I don’t really have much more to say. Sorry the blog is kinda long! But I felt like I needed to share.
