I cannot pinpoint the moment it happened. I don’t remember what caused me to feel this way. However, somewhere along the way I think I lost the permission to be human.
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I was baptized sometime around the age of (11-13?) by my father. My older brother was going to do it, and for fear of seeming less righteous I decided that I would too. Every time I think back to that blurry memory, I think of pressure and of expectation.
Since then, I’ve grown and served on multiple teams, and in different bodies of believers. And even though I was moving further along spiritually, I still often stood in fear of appearing “not righteous enough”… Whatever that means.
I always felt like I had to be “good” or “doing well” even when I wasn’t. I always felt the pressure to know everything about the Bible. I always felt like if ‘the worship leader’ wasn’t consistently at a perfect place with the Lord, then she had no place leading people in worship. & I always felt that I had to make the perfect decision the first time. And there was no going back. Including my baptism.
Well, it was the last night of training camp. 10 days of the Lord growing me and stretching me and freeing me from so many things. (The need to appear perfect being one of them.) And I’m staring at this inflatable pool filled with water. And I’m listening to these strangers, who have become family, share similar stories.
After about 5 minutes of the enemy trying to talk me out of this moment, I finally turn to my new sister, who I grew to love deeply over those 10 days. I pull her aside and ask her if she would like to baptize me. We hugged. And we cried. And she says ”of course”. I saw my squad mentor, who the Lord had been laying on my heart all week long, and asked her if she would like to be a part as well. And there was not a question on either of their faces. No one asked me, ”You’ve never been baptized before?”. No one scolded me for already being in ministry and not having had this real moment.
A field of 150 (or more, give or take) amazing people, simply stood with me in pure joy and celebration; and it was graciously beautiful.
I have been baptized in the name of the Father, of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. And this time it was not to gain the acceptance of human beings. It was to declare to those standing in that field, to myself, to the Lord, and in the face of the enemy, that I know who I am and where I stand.
