We’re closing out month 8 of the World Race in just a few days.
Eight months of crossing oceans and borders. Eight months of venturing into villages and jungles, not sure what to expect waiting for me when I arrived. Eight months of seeing wonders of the world and meeting the most beautiful, hospitable people in each country I’ve entered. Eight months of being stretched and challenged to step out in my faith and share this truth about Jesus and His unmatched love. Eight months of walking further and deeper into relationship with Jesus, and with my squad. Eight months of figuring out the influence and leadership Abba has handed me for this time and place.
Eight months of adventures and promises fulfilled.
Though this year is an incredible adventure in and of itself I want to talk pretty candidly about something with you guys. For the past four of these eight months I’ve called Southeast Asia home. Our plane touched down in Malaysia at the beginning of February and if I’m being honest—and what’s the point in being anything but—we were only about 3 weeks deep when I sketched out a pen and ink calendar in my moleskin, counting down the days until we boarded another plane and I could wave bye-bye to the entire continent of Asia out my tiny window.
See ya never, Asia.
Kind of harsh, right? I mean google is telling me there are 48 countries that make up Asia and I’ve been to four of them. FOUR. And here I go waving my western hand in the air, swatting all of Asia away like, “Been there, done that. Nope to ever again.”
Ridiculous. You can say it.
Ridiculous as it is, I haven’t loved these past four months as much as the first four of the race. Maybe it’s because those first four months in Central America still felt like the honeymoon phase — bucket showers were bragging rites and hand washing my cloths made me feel rugged. Building fires to boil our water reminded me I’m a strong, self-sufficient woman. Speaking Spanish was fun and I had all the avocados a girl could want at my finger tips.
Then we hopped on an aircraft headed straight for the hot, hot, heat of Asia.
Our first stop was Malaysia, where I stepped into training for squad leading, packed and unpacked my bag 6 times in transitions, and experienced for the first time what it was like to no longer be on a team doing life together day in and day out with the same people.
Essentially, Malaysia was a petri dish of rough moments for me. The most pathetic of which looked something like me trudging through the train station carrying both my packs, clutching a spongebob balloon in one hand, while silent tears streamed down my face because my co-squad leader, Daniel, told me the McFlurry machine at McDonalds was broken as a joke (a mistake he’ll never make again). Malaysia, also wins the title of, “Country where I cried the most.” From there my feelings towards all of Asia have been a steady downward spiral with a nice little plateau in the hot pits of Cambodia.
Sounds dramatic, right? It feels dramatic, too. But I’m a human being and we seem bent towards drama every now and again so thanks for cutting me some slack.
With all that being said, it’s time to move in a more positive direction because this story doesn’t end with, “Wow, I hate Asia. Even though I’m not supposed to say ‘hate.’” Those words might leak from my lips at some point, but please don’t take them at face value.
In the last few weeks I’ve finally taken time with the Lord to hash out all my feelings and thoughts, confusion and frustrations, from these last 4 months. And here’s one of the sweet things about Jesus, He listens. He gives space to feel the feelings and process the process, and then He waits. He waits for me to sit down and ask Him to weigh in.
Before we left Cambodia for the Philippines, I did just that—I asked what He had to say about my time in Asia. And without fail, the Holy Spirit revealed something to me that’s pretty important.
As I sat in silence before the day began I felt that familiar whisper say, “Victoria, you don’t hate Asia. You hate being uncomfortable. And Asia has ushered you into discomfort.”
Nail. Head. Hitting.
Jesus is right, again. I don’t hate Asia. I hate being uncomfortable all the time and Asia has just been a constant invitation into discomfort, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’ve been letting that discomfort dictate my feelings, my actions, and my response to the people around me.
The hardest realization though, is that I’ve been letting that discomfort dictate my relationship with Jesus. I’ve been letting discomfort dig up the deep Joy offered to me in the Truth of the Cross. I’ve been saying—rather unintentionally—that my love for Jesus, which is the motivation behind why I say yes to serving Him any way, anywhere, is actually conditional and dependent on my circumstances. If I’m not comfortable in my surroundings my relationship with Jesus and the way it’s expressed changes, even if only slightly.
Any relationship based on conditions and circumstances is hollow. There’s no substance, there’s no stability. There’s no fullness. It’s empty.
And I’m not about having empty relationships—especially with Jesus. I want fullness overflowing with the only One who sees and satisfies this weary sinner’s soul. I want Jesus no matter what kind of discomfort surrounds me along the way.
So friends, here’s a glimpse at my day-to-day on the race that isn’t elephant riding or tiger cub feeding. I’m not always surrounded by happy smiles on the cutest of kids, or sifting the sand of gorgeous beaches between my toes. Sometimes things do look like that, but more often than not my days are filled with wrestling and shortcomings, and a deeper and deeper need for the righteous love of Jesus to cover my life.
And I wanted to share all of this with you, because we don’t share hard things nearly enough. Or sometimes (especially when we’re bloggers) we wait until the hard thing is resolved before we talk about the pain of the process. Sometimes that’s good discernment, and other times that perpetuates a false, “I’ve got it all together.” sort of thing, and I just wanted you to know I do not have it all together.
I don’t have a clever ending for this, so I’ll leave you with a note I recently opened. I wrote it just before we launched in October. The only instructions were for it to be opened at any point I needed to hear some words from the me who started this thing with excitement, joy, and an abundance of good intentions. If you find yourself in the hard place of the middle, or the discomfort of different-than-I-thought, maybe you’ll find some encouragement here, too.
“Sept. 29th 2016
Dear future me,
Maybe you’re in the thick of the Race right now. Maybe things are hard; you’re sweaty and hot, and feeling a lack of motivation. Maybe you miss home more than you thought you would, and maybe this whole journey so far has looked so different than what you have been dreaming up over the past 5 years. And that’s okay. Let go of those expectations, because this, what you’re living right now, it’s not on accident.
The way you are feeling is okay, you are allowed to feel frustrated, sad, angry, confused, lost even. But, don’t stay there. Don’t let those emotions define you. Don’t give the enemy your joy. Remember how constant, how faithful, Abba has been to even bring you here. Trust that He’s working still, and that He is for you, with you, and fighting on your behalf. You already have victory, freedom, joy, and no one needs to give you permission to walk in that because Jesus already has.
So, look around you—see what God is doing? See what He has done? See how you’ve already grown and changed? He’s honing you, crafting you and your heart to look more like Him. You want that. It’s worth it. Jesus is so worth this.
Now walk forward in selflessness. Drop your pride and walk into the new name Abba is giving you. Claim it as your own; because the Father loves you and wants to lavish you with what is good, with what is true, with hope and love.
He is all you need. Live like it! He is all you want, right? Chase Him now. There’s no better time.
Walk in His love for you. It’s a love that’s true.”
V.
