This blog has been in the making over the last two-plus months, even if I hadn’t had it written out quite yet. This is my “before” going home. It’s more about how I came to the decision to come home just a little bit early and some of my experiences throughout the last couple months. I’m going to continue posting blogs for a little while after I get home, as well. More of just an insight into what I will be going through in the adjustment going home. Also, I would like to apologize to my squad for not telling them in advance that I was going home and just threw an Instagram post at them. I am sorry about that, and I should’ve told y’all after I had finalized things. So. Here goes nothing.
About a month into the Race, I had a gut feeling that I wasn’t supposed to be going to South Africa. For whatever reason. I, of course, ignored the tell-tale signs of God telling me something. I thought that it was just my nerves about going to a new country, as well as a mix of home sickness that I was struggling with. So I continued on. I learned so much about myself and about my God. He took me on an incredible journey with Him that isn’t over yet. That was just in Albania. When I got to the Philippines, it just continued. He continued to lead me in life, even when I was struggling with seeing His Truths, He lead me. Through thick and thin, He was there. Soon into my walk with God in the Philippines, He started nudging me about going to South Africa.
The way that God speaks to me is when He puts something in my head, and He keeps pressing me to “look” at whatever it may be. So that’s what He did. He got me to look, and to listen.
The first time I admitted to myself, and to another person, that I thought I was supposed to come home, was when our host had brought us to a beach to camp for a night or two. After we had packed up, Libby still had her Eno up so I hammocked with her for a bit and we just talked together. I told her, ever so quietly, that I didn’t think I was supposed to go to South Africa. She looked at me a little funny and then said, “how long have you thought this?” We continued on in the conversation and I explained as much as my measly human mind could hope to understand. Throughout the following week, we each prayed into my situation, and I just felt that it was time for me to go home.
After that week of prayer, I told my team. That I wasn’t 100% sure that this is what God wants for me, but that I needed to tell them about it. They were all supportive (and still are) and they just wanted me to follow God as best to my abilities as possible. I told my parents next and talked to them about it. Their gut reaction was for me to stay on the Race, but I knew, in my heart, that it was my time. I told them so, and they said that whatever needed doing, to do it. So I did.
I talked to two of my leaders, Hilary and Kaylaynn, in attempts to get a meeting set up with each of them individually. The first one I was supposed to have was with Hilary, but she was sick and couldn’t get to WiFi to talk. The second was with Kaylaynn. We scheduled it and had a really good conversation. We agreed to pray throughout the week for it and we would meet up at debrief (the 6 days we get “off” of ministry with our whole squad) and discuss what we were hearing there.
Debrief rolled around and we scheduled a meeting together and we talked. We both felt like God was telling us to trust in Him and follow His word. So I did. I booked a plane ticket the next day. I told my closest friends on the squad throughout the few days we had left at debrief. Some were supportive, but some weren’t.
After we left debrief, I started having doubts that others had put in my head. If this was what God really wanted for me, or if it was just in my head. The girls on my team moved to the mountains to group with another team of girls the day after Christmas, and Hilary came to join us. A couple days after she arrived, I asked for a one-on-one with her. I told her about all of my doubts, and that they were all what other people had said to me or about me and I didn’t know what to do. She said to pray. So we did. We prayed for awhile, and all I heard the entire time was, “Home. It’s time for you to go home,” over and over again. After that, I didn’t have a single doubt. I knew that this was God’s plan for me, whatever the reason.
In the last month of my Race, I had three people tell me from the Holy Spirit something relating to my race starting when I get home, and to get ready. That I’ll need Him more than ever in the next year, and to trust in Him.
On January 30th, I told some of the closest people to me goodbye (well. More of a “see you later” but still).
On January 31st, I got on a plane at 9:45 AM and flew home. The entire plane ride(s), I was at complete peace. I knew that this was right. As I got home, I just felt it. Being home is right for me, for whatever crazy reason God has.
Oh, by the way, this is literally the only reason I came home. I was looking forward to South Africa so so much, but God’s plan was different. Looking back, there were some logistical changes (before I even left, mind you) that also led to me leaving early; Our route was rearranged, so we went to South Africa last instead of second. As well as PVT was changed from being in South Africa to being in the Philippines.
