Earlier I could of said, “Okay God, I said yes to the World Race, so you will provide that $16,271 before the deadline. I deserve that, because I obeyed You.”
All last month in Lesotho, most of my squad mates and I were not fully funded. Although the deadline was July 1, there are still about seven people, including myself still fundraising. Yesterday, my last teammate found out she was fully funded, and I couldn’t bring myself to be happy.
A whisper said, “You are not funded because God doesn’t want you here. You won’t ever get fully funded,” and it wouldn’t leave my mind; that is all I heard.
Instantly my pride kicked in, but I wouldn’t of called it that yesterday because I didn’t know that it was. Rather than being happy for my teammate, the spirit of judgment, comparison, and pride found themselves within me. And I didn’t like the feeling; yet I didn’t ask them to leave.
I went to bed earlier than normal, in hopes that the next day would be better. And I was wrong. Going to bed mad about my funds, and God not providing, lead to many undesirable and unwanted dreams. Dreams that caused the start of the next day to start off awful – and each one of my teammates noticed. I woke up ready for the day to end.
I decided to spend that afternoon praying, journaling, and reading my Bible; I was trying to find some way to remove the doubts and lies that I kept hearing.
I was lead to 1 Peter 5:12 “…is to encourage you and assure you that what you are experiencing is truly part of God’s grace for you. Stand firm in this grace.”
Hearing that verse reminded me of a devotion from one of my coaches when we compared mercy and grace. She started off by telling a story about one of my squad mates ordering a water at a restaurant, and the waitresses pointed over to the water and told her to get it herself. I heard God telling me, “Here’s my grace, stop asking for it – it’s right in front of you, free.”
Grace: getting what I don’t deserve.
Because I said yes to the race; I thought I deserved all of my financial support that was needed, rather than receiving my funds because of God’s gift to me, undeserving grace.
I knew that God had been trying to teach me throughout this fundraising process, but I didn’t know that it came down to my pride. I didn’t want to face people if I didn’t get funded, because I had already told them, “If God wants me on the race for the 11 months, He will provide.” How was I going to face people, and tell them that I didn’t get my funds? I was only called for part of the race, not the whole thing?
After struggling all day, I can now say: I know that you can provide, I hope that you will provide; but even if you don’t I will still believe that you are God.
I realized that one of the reasons that I wanted God to provide my financial support was so that I didn’t have to confront people at home. I wanted this to be a way of showing people back at home, and myself how God provides, but I wanted my pride to be covered and taken care of so I wouldn’t have to face anyone.
It’s not an easy thing to admit, but I am trusting that this is a turning point; a turning point in receiving God’s grace abundantly, while removing my pride daily.
Whether I am in South Africa or America – I am exactly where I belong, because He led me there. I am learning to trust in that everyday, and trust in my Father who loves me so well.
Father, Daddy, Faithful, Great I Am –
Teach me to rest in Your grace,
While removing my pride.
Remove my pride,
Remind me to everyday.
Remind me
To take the humble seat,
with confidence that You are in control.
That wherever I am,
You know what is best.
Bind the spirits that don’t deserve
To rest in my heart, my spirit.
Loose the spirits of You.
I want to learn to stand firm in Your grace.
Fill me with Your grace,
Saturate me.
Let me rest under Your wing,
Please steady my heart.
I am still praying and believing that God has called me to World Race Fusion 2015 until we are finished. There is no place I’d rather be, than being where God wants me. He has been refining and teaching me His ways, more than ever before.
I am still in need of $2,707 to be fully funded. If you feel lead, please click “Support Me” on the left hand side! Thank you so much!
