Signing up for the race I knew there would be changes in me; I knew that God had so much for me. It scared me. When I told people, “I am excited to see what God has planned for me, what God is going to do in my life.” Yes, that is true, but I wished that I could go from Month 1 Victoria to Month 11 Victoria without the heartache, without the challenges. In other words, I wanted a breeze – an adventurous, calm 11 months traveling and loving people with my God. I was scared; I was scared for the refining, but I desired it more than anything.
The first seven months I have seen more and more freedom, but I knew there was more; SO much more. I knew God wanted more of me, yet I still was fighting it. I was scared to live carefree; I was scared to live crazy with my God. My first thoughts were always “What are people going to think? Will people just think I am crazy?”
The longer I have been serving people, the more I realized how much I valued people. I valued compliments; I valued the desire to be loved from people. I valued people; I realized that I am a people pleaser. Rather than soaking in my freedom that is FREE from my God, I was searching for approval from people who will always fail. People never lived to my expectations.
A leader recently told me to ask myself, “What is the purpose of these relationships? What area in my life is it feeding? If I never met one more person for the rest of the race, would that be okay? Would that be okay to only have a relationship with God, and no one else?”
Truthfully, I would of said people give me my value. I desired to be loved from people; to be wanted from people. I would do whatever I needed to be valued from someone, and so I was scared to be me. The more time I was with people, the more they’d see my flaws and think of me differently. I had to be someone that was funny, but spoke at the right time.
I few days ago, my squad and I were talking about freedom. There was so much more for each of us, but learning to walk in it was a hard aspect to comprehend. We were asked, “God, what is Your truth for me? What are the lies of the enemy that are taking away from this truth?” The only words I got were, “the freedom to be me. Who am I? – if I wasn’t a people pleaser, who was I?”
Next thing I know, I was writing. I prayed:
God, tear off my shell.
Tear off my Spiderman suit –
I want to see me,
I yearn and desire to be Victoria –
The crazy, funny, adventurous, laughable daughter.
You made me.
You love me as I am.
I want to dance for you; with You.
I want to sing for You.
I want to be crazy with you.
I want to wear Your armor, not mine.
I want to live on the edge with You.
I ended the month asking my team to help me tear of my shell. I don’t just have a mask on; I have a whole suit. I want freedom from that. I want freedom to truly and honestly believe that I am free. I want to believe that my value isn’t found through people. I want to believe that people’s thoughts about me do not matter – I am the King’s daughter. I am His heir. What else do I need?
God, bring freedom. Tear off my suit, now. Tear of my mask, now – in Nicaragua.
