Here I am starting my fifth draft of this blog. For the past two weeks, I have tried and retried to make sense of the jumbled mess going on in my head. Here’s the raw and unedited scramble of my current state of mind.
- Fear is dumb. One morning while we were in Bulgaria I woke up and realized fear is a fun hater! As I sat on the couch, which was also my bed for the month, I thought back on all the things I have missed out on because I was unaware of how they would end. Long story short, I’ve committed to not letting fear dictate my decisions. I’ve come to the conclusion that the risk is worth it, even if it’s scary at first. I’ve attached a song at the end of this blog, it’s one of my favorites and is insanely relatable to this topic.
Warning: Though it is a Christian artist, it is not a song you would hear in church on a Sunday morning. - Ministry isn’t always glamorous, actually most of the time it isn’t glamorous. The past two months have been a real stretch in flexibility.
“Okay guys, today we’re going to the camps!”
5 minutes later
“Change of plans, a riot broke out last night. We’re not going to the camps anymore.
Meet back here at 1:00 PM for afternoon ministry.”
1:00PM // 2 hours later
“We’re going to have a prayer meeting at 7:00 PM tonight, you’re free until then.”
Ministry doesn’t always look the way you think it will. Ministry doesn’t always go according to plan. Ministry sometimes makes you aware of how broken you actually are and how badly you need Jesus. It’s rarely glamorous.
- The whole “He must become greater, I must become less” is a real thing. After a two hour one-on-one with my squad coach, Kris, at month 7 debrief, I became aware of this thing called “false humility.” I get in the way of God a lot and when I do that, I steal His glory. Not cool, Vic. Not cool. You be you and let God be God. I’m constantly repeating the word “nothingness.” Each morning I get out of bed I remind myself nothing of what I have is actually mine. Entering into a space of nothingness means I give God complete control; not always easy but definitely always worth it.
- Over time, I’ve realized my fear issue is deeply rooted in my trust issue. (This was a tough one.) Though I hate to admit it, one of my deepest fears is pain. I fear getting hurt and I fear hurting others. I would rather not experience something at all than be hurt by it in the end. I fear pain because I don’t trust God to comfort me when I get hurt. Fear of pain = Walls up = Not trusting others. See where this is going?
- The bible is actually a pretty good book. I’ve never been one to be particularly excited about sitting down for long periods of time to read my bible but now I literally hunger for it. I’ve always been one of those “verse a day keeps the devil away” kinda gals but here in Romania I just can’t get enough of the Word. Paul and Titus and Timothy were all real people with real stories – what a privilege it is to get to read about them! Sheesh you guys, there’s good stuff in that book! You should open it up if you haven’t in while.
- We’re going to Africa in a week which means I only have three months left of the race. I have no idea how that is even possible.
Well there you have it … Although, I feel like this is only a “front porch view” into the chaos of my mind.
Oh one last thing, I’ve really been missing all of you people lately. This month I booked my flight home (November 21st – woot woot!) and it has reminded me how much I miss my family, how long it has been since I’ve seen my friends and all these “back to school” photos on Facebook are making me miss my kiddos at school! It truly is a gift to have something that’s so hard to be away from.
I’m going to end with a few prayer requests:
- My family. Not only is it hard to be away for year, but things change when you’re gone. My mom and dad are troopers but life happens. The Lord knows what they need, will you pray His favor and blessing over them?
- Ethiopia. Currently there is a bit of unrest in the capitol city of Addis Abba which is where my squad and I will be for the month. Pray we would be a light in the midst of the violence and injustice happening there.
- Post-race plans. Life after the race is a real thing and transition back into the states is often a tough one for most racers. I am considering being a squad leader which is exciting yet nerve wracking at the same time. I would love prayer over the season of life that awaits me when I get home.
Y’all really are the best. As always, thanks for the support. I look forward to seeing you face to face in a few months!
The song is worth listening to – just go in open minded knowing it’s one of my favorite artists! At least fast forward to 4:25 and you’ll hear the best part.
“Fear came to my house years ago I let ’em in
Maybe that’s the problem
Cause I’ve been dealing with this ever since
I thought that he would leave, but it’s obvious he never did
He must have picked the room and got comfortable and settled in
Now I’m in the position it’s either sit here and let him win
Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can
Cause in order to do that I’d have to open the doors
Is that me or the fear talking?
I don’t know anymore”
