I always heard honesty was the best option. That being truthful with yourself and others can open a world of grace. So I’m going to be honest. Lately I have felt so far from God. It was almost as if He were a stranger. Almost as if I could have passed Him on the street and never recognized Him. Almost as if He didn’t love me.
I felt so far from Him and I was miserable. Not one of those crying spells miserable, but more like “I don’t feel like myself” miserable. I felt lost, and I could not explain why. What was going on with me? The worst part was, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt like I had done something to push God away.
BUT I KNOW, AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW, YOU COULD NEVER DO ANYTHING WRONG THAT WOULD PUSH GOD AWAY. UNDERSTAND THAT, MEDITATE ON IT, SOAK IT IN, LET IT WASH OVER YOU. NO MATTER WHAT, HE LOVES US.
(Romans 8:39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord)
That fact continues to get me choked up.
I work in mental health and sometimes I am face to face with unfathomable pain in people’s lives. It can be heartbreaking, sometimes almost faith-shattering. I’m so unbelievable thankful for my cohort friends that have gotten me through. And like everyone else in the world, I become aware of the despair among humanity. It was a hard week, with suicide and war and famine and rape all around us and in the news. I began to be overwhelmed by the darkness. Without knowing how or when, it had consumed me. With feeling far from Jesus, darkness had consumed my joy. And there, one night at home, tears streamed down my face because my heart broke. For that client, for that person down the street, for the children.
Feeling far, a broken world, it all became too much.
I finally swallowed my ugly pride and prayed. And prayed. And prayed. And prayed. And prayed. I’ve never been that person that clearly heard God’s voice, or had some kind of amazing encounter. Never. (Spoiler alert, I still haven’t…this isn’t that kind of story). But man did I pray. I prayed for white-hot, unbelievable, unexplainable passion. I prayed for an awakening. A personal revival.
So here I am, driving the all-too-familiar route from Alabama to Tennessee. Britney Spears’ greatest hits album is playing (I am dancing of course), I can see the Smokey Mountains in the distance, and I feel that warm tingly feeling of coming home. As I travel the winding, curvy roads my ears pop, readjusting to the slightly higher altitude, as if I’m in an airplane flying high above the clouds. But that’s what home is like, your own special place among the clouds. A sanctuary. And all of a sudden, I’m overcome with Jesus. Have you ever had that feeling? All of a sudden, after a period of drought, you feel the flood waters? You sit at His banquet and get your fill, because it’s precisely what you needed.
“If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God, “I’ll get you out of any trouble. I’ll give you the best of care if you’ll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times; I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party. I’ll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!” Psalm 91: 14-16 MSG
And there ya go: I was ushered into an all out, spinning through the roof, jumping out of skin worship sesh. And I felt Him. I felt alive. Alive in Him. Again. Then it wasn’t the warm, tingly feeling of going home to Tennessee. It was the inexplicable feeling of being home again in my Father’s arms. Home again. Home.
Isn’t that cool about God? That we can worship Him anytime, anywhere. You can be in your car jammin to Britney, and then you suddenly feel Him. You don’t have to go to a church or to some holy place because right there where He is, right there with you is your holy place. That is your intimate, secret space with God. I mean, how cool!
It was a renewal, a rejuvenation, a restoration.
That is what is so great about our God! He renews us constantly. Time and time again, day after day, “His mercies are new every morning.” (Lamentations 3:23)
Bah!! I could scream with joy at that fact! He renews us over and over and over again. That’s what’s so beautiful about His love, that we never run out of chances.
One of my favorite songs came on during this time of worship. I love how God can speak to us through music. I am in loooove with music. Lyrics speak to my soul, melodies romance me, harmonies soothe me. Isn’t it powerful? These are some of the lyrics to that song by All Sons and Daughters (check ’em out!):
“When the pieces seem to shatter
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that I don’t feel you anymore
No I don’t feel you anymore
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that you’re still holding
The whole world in your hands
I need a reason to sing…
Will there be a victory
Will you sing it over me now
Your peace is the melody
You sing it over me now”
I love that it says, “all that seemed to matter.” When I felt lost, it was ALL that mattered. I couldn’t focus on anything except running back to God. When we embraced again, it was ALL that mattered. Jesus was, is, and will be all that mattered. Loving others is all that matters. He is our reason to sing.
“Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you’re on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!” Philippians 4:4-5 MSG
God whispers our name. He calls us to Him. But sometimes, on nights like these. After hard weeks, after times of feeling far from Him, sometimes we need Him to SING a victory over us!
He made us strong and resilient, but He didn’t make us invincible. He made us vulnerable for a reason, that we might depend on Him. To wholly trust Him. I’ve been learning so much about depending completely and utterly on Him.
“And me? I plan on looking you full in the face. When I get up, I’ll see your full stature and LIVE HEAVEN ON EARTH.” Psalm 17:15 MSG
What are you holding on to? What is making you feel far from God? What is breaking your heart? Do you need to see a victory? Do you need a reason to sing? Ask Him, seek Him, be relentless. When we can’t hear the whisper, He will begin to sing it over us! His peace will be the melody. His love is the song unceasingly romancing us.
Here’s to the music! The sooooouuuullll music…
