“As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?”
Psalm 42:1-2
Almost two weeks ago now, a friend wrote the word “captivated” on my arm.
“What does it mean?”
“I don’t know, I just saw the word.”
Confused I spent all day trying to understand what the word meant. The next morning that’s all I asked God for… Who’s captivated? What’s captivating? So I asked again:
“Do you know what my arm means?”
“Yes, do you?”
“No, I have no clue…”
“Well I can’t do your work for you.”
If you know, and I’m not getting anything then why won’t you just tell me? I’ve put in work and I still have nothing.
This was the theme of my month, and even now, craving to hear from God and getting nothing.
By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God, my rock:
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?”
Psalm 42:8-9
Two days later I was walking with my team leader Joe, that week especially I had been struggling with opening up to my team. Fears from my past were holding me back from jumping in and trusting my team with my mess. I feared that they would see me and my struggles and wouldn’t want any part of it- or that they would want to help but that it and I would be a burden to them. Joe, for whatever reason, has an especially annoying way of knowing when I have something on my mind and had been challenging me for some time to open up, to step into the fear and the unknown. I was feeling so discouraged… I told him I was sorry, I wanted to open up, I really was trying, but it might take longer than both of us wanted. He reminded me that it’s a process. There is no “one and done”, that I might have to wait and expect God to show up and show off. That might mean waiting until month 11 to understand what’s happening but to keep moving forward, trusting that our Father is faithful. The waiting game, not something I’m good at and definitely not something I would pick for myself.
Later that day I was asked what someone could pray for, as I sat and tried to process the conversation I had with Joe so I could form a coherent prayer request the meaning of “captivated” hit me like a divine 4×4:
“Victoria, my daughter, I want you to be captivated by Me. You’re brain has the ability to go in 100 different directions but all I want is for you to focus on Me. When someone is captivated by something they are consumed by it and can’t pull their eyes away and I don’t want you to miss a single thing I’m doing. Sit with Me, rest in Me, wait on Me and expect Me to move. I am for you- stop trying to earn my approval, stop doing “things” that you think will please Me. I want you, I have always wanted you and will always want you- you are Mine and I am yours. You could never “earn” Me and you can never do anything that would make Me leave you. Just be with Me, and watch Me as if nothing else exists.”
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
Psalm 42:11
Well where does that take me? I was talking to our squad mentor, Carly Brown, and she offered this pearl of wisdom: “Part of being captivated is seeing Him in everything; a sunrise, the rain, laughter…- and being able to see Him in those things is a direct gift from Him. In those gifts and glimpses of Him, what is He saying about you? What is He saying about how He sees you and how He loves you?”
Papa,
Teach me how to wait on you. Give me the eyes to see you in everything and be truly captivated by you. Give me a heart that is willing and able to receive all that you have for me and equip me to use what you are teaching me for your glory.
