I want to do this right. I desire to be completely authentic and truthful. I long for this space to be a place where both Fulfilling Joy and Utter Disappointment are welcome. I do not want to write stories hiding behind a mask. So, I am declaring this before I am even tempted to put a mask on.
“What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.” —Matthew 10:27
This morning I began reading Kisses from Katie before the school bell rang. I was only previewing the text through the Introduction when Katie references Matthew 10:28. When I paged through my Bible and landed on Matthew 10:28, I read through the entire passage when Matthew 10:27 stopped me in my tracks. I felt Jesus calling out to me directly and immediately felt convicted. I knew exactly what He wanted from me.
The past few weeks God has opened my eyes to something that has been driving many of my actions for quite some time—fear of failure. You see, I am a perfectionist to a fault. When I think I am gifted at something, I give it all I’ve got. I succeed. I feel good about myself. I throw up some thanks to God. However, when something doesn’t come easy, I immediately stop trying. My mind says, “Okay, so you’re not the best at this, let’s go back to the thing you’re already good at before someone sees you fail.”
Not only are there so many things wrong with that previous mindset – finding value in successes and feeling worthless in failure, my constant comparison to people, seeking Man’s approval, and so forth – but after recognizing it’s lurking presence, I recently have repeatedly asked myself the question, what if? What if I stopped thinking this way? What if I accepted my weaknesses and gave them to God, asking for His help to grow in these areas? What if I no longer sought the approval of Man or the World’s definition of success and value? What if I truly thanked God for my strengths, my weaknesses, and found my worth in Him alone? What if?
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” —Galatians 1:10
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” —2 Corinthians 12:9
Then, I discovered something. I’ve been testing out this whole vulnerability thing lately. I’ve taken off the mask around more people. I’ve shared feelings, thoughts, laughs, and tears. I’ve asked questions, revealed doubts, and shared praises. God’s done something pretty amazing—He showed me that when I open myself up and dig a little deeper, He will work in, through, and around me for His glory.
Much of my life I’ve only shown people the parts of me that I thought they wanted to see. When it came to this blog specifically, I have struggled writing because I was worried that the next post wasn’t going to be as introspective, life-changing, or impactful as the previous one. I want to inspire people here. I want to challenge their worldview here. I want to bring people to know the love of Christ here. These are not bad things to desire, but I was trying to do it all on my own.
Fear arose. I haven’t touched the blog since February even though God has revealed such amazing things in my heart and mind. I had all these things to say, but was too worried with how say it. I was afraid of failure. Afraid that whatever I wrote wouldn’t be eloquently written or leave readers awestruck. That’s when it dawned on me that I was not only in the wrong mindset, but I also was not allowing the Spirit of God to speak through me. I wasn’t relying on Him to press on my heart the experiences or words to share because I was too busy drafting a fabulous story to impress mankind.
So here we are folks. This may be a warning, but I like to think of it as a declaration:
I will try my best to declare the words God reveals to me with boldness.
I will share stories of joy, sorrow, fear, grace, doubt, and love.
I will share my thoughts, questions, feelings, and prayers.
I will not hold back on times of brokenness, since I am after all, a sinful person, in a broken world, in desperate need of a Savior. As I become more aware of my shortcomings, I grow deeper in the knowledge of my need for Christ.
I will not hold back on times of great joy and thanksgiving, since we are after all, showered with incessant blessings from the King of kings. As I become more aware of my strengths, I will use them to serve and grow the Kingdom of the Lord.
Over the next year, I am confident that God will work through our team in magnificent ways if we continue to surrender to His perfect will. I want to share all the details with you so that I may be used by the Creator to encourage you, bless you and show you His great love. Not through my works, but through His power alone. That is, what I believe this space is for.
My question now to you: What has God put on your heart to shout from the rooftops?
