I have been mad at God. Really truly mad at Him. But, I didn’t know how to tell Him. I have been frustrated, annoyed overwhelmed and just plain hurt. The hard part in admitting that to you all is that all those things go against what I believe to be true about God. I have been trying to have faith like a mustard seed but some days over the past few months, I feel like I don’t even have that.
I feel hurt and ignored, at some points close to hopeless about fundraising. But, tonight I apologized to Jesus. I have felt these emotions a lot of different times in my life when God hasn’t done or showed up in a way I thought He should or believed He could. I put God in my God box. I look at what is going on around me and in my life and I apply my finite image and understanding of God to what is happening. I realized that when He didn’t respond the way I wanted Him to, I built up a wall of bitterness. A wall between my head and heart made up of all the ways I feel God has “let me down.” I know in my head that the truth is that He didn’t. In all the situations I saw His hand in my rearview mirror but I realized that I have become a bit of a cynic. When a hard thing happens I have to stop myself from being frustrated with God that He let it happen. The Bible never promises that life will be easy or without hardships but my heart sometimes forgets that. I also know that satan is the master of lies and he has used half truths to change how I see things. How easy for satan to plant weeds in with the truth when things are hard. Weeds of doubt, anger and pain. God doesn’t have to operate the way I want Him to for me to love Him. I am also really glad He isn’t confined to my box.
God has been weeding out my heart. Money is not the root of all evil. But, putting it as an idol before God can lead to a lot of bad things. I have had a hard time loosening my fist on my finances, but God did me one better and took it all away this past month. I closed my bank account in America. Not having an income and just with everything else that was going on it was the right and healthy decision. My mom agreed to help me and cashed an .08 cent check to her so that it would be at a 0 balance. Because all I had in there was .08 cents. But I can say now that the only debt I have is my school loans, finish paying my car loan and my world race fundraising. I don’t owe any person any money. I went all this month without any personal money at all and you know what God blessed it. He blessed my obedience. The food this month was amazing and there was a small snack shack where we could buy breakfast if we wanted to. I lived off my allowance from the race and all my needs were met. I don’t have a single physical need that wasn’t taken care of. Even yesterday at debrief I was provided with 2 free meals and I ate a granola bar with peanut butter for dinner, so that I was able to go see Angkor Wat because we went to the outside and it only cost 2.50 for a tuktuk there and back. It was pretty cool and I wish I could have gone in but that would have been 50 dollars and you know what the outside was just as amazing. I also have wished for money to buy real snacks, I found goldfish in a store that were almost 4 dollars. But I don’t need snacks and goldfish I have been eating 3 meals a day. Needs and wants have been big this month.
Fundraising while also not having any personal money has been an interesting battle as well. It was so amazing when people stepped up to help me buy supplies in Chicago and again with the trek in Nepal. But it also was hard for me to ask because, the trip itself still isn’t paid for. I have learned through this fundraising process a lot of ugly things about myself but I also learned that I do not enjoy relying on donations to do ministry. I would so much rather sell something or raise money by making a calendar or holding a bake sale. Something that I can feel I’ve contributed to. I thought it was because I agreed with it more biblically or maybe because asking people for money so much is hard and I feel like a burden and I’m afraid of how they will react, but what God revealed to me last night is that it’s my pride. I don’t like it because I feel like I have failed when things don’t work out the way I think or feel like they should. I also feel like God has failed me in that the deadlines are way past due and I don’t understand why He wouldn’t provide for me. He says He loves me and I know it’s true and I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be so why hasn’t the money come in.
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As Gru, from Despicable Me, would say I had a “Lightbulb” moment last night. Support hasn’t come in fully because He isn’t done with me yet. My heart is personal to Him and up until a few hours ago I would have told you that God and I were good. That would not have been a lie because we are in more regards then one, really good. Cambodia was AMAZING!!!! But in one regard we are most defiantly not okay. God doesn’t settle for surface harmony. I can’t hide the condition of my heart from the one who made it no matter how hard I try. I am not okay. We were sitting in a big circle singing worship songs as we debrief Asia and I just asked Him why? I laid my heart out and honestly felt like I had given Him everything especially where fundraising is concerned I am so sick of it. In that moment though He simply said, “You have not given me everything.” I got this image in my mind of me in rags, tiered and worn out holding my hands open to him with the word pride sitting 3D in my arms. With all of my heart I wanted Him to take it from me. To cut it off and take it because it has been exhausting me. I can not fix this. I can’t and everytime I hit a wall with it I feel like He should swoop in and save me. I want God to be my knight in shining armor. I want to tell of all the amazing things He has done. I don’t want to be Naomi from the story of Ruth telling people to call me bitter. I want to be singing his praise like David when he kills Goliath. I want to be strong and I am stubborn and prideful and I don’t like to admit when I am overwhelmed . But, I am. I am so done with this whole fundraising thing. I feel like I have done everything I physically can do and that is where God pointed out, that it wasn’t about me in the first place. He created a way for me to go on this trip and will continue to. I needed to let go.
The hard part about being broken is God can’t fix me til I admit I’m broken. He isn’t cruel and He does not force himself on anyone. I have the freedom to choose to let Him in. He is personal and in that His creation is personal to Him. I know that He is grieving when i am hurting especially the longer I wait to invite Him in. I have no doubt that He can provide the money but if it was just about the money it wouldn’t have taken so long. (Even in writing this I double checked my amount I still need hoping that it was all there.) This whole process has been about my heart. My heart and money were not in a healthy place. God knows I can’t serve both and He knows I desire to serve Him with my finances but I could not break my bond with being self sufficient. My parents raised me to be independent and my dad was blessed to never be out of work my whole life. They are good stewards of their money, but it also ment that we didn’t have to rely on anyone for help. I have a hard time asking for help. When I stop looking at God as my parent and provider, it is really easy for me to feel like I shouldn’t ask Him for help. The shame of feeling like I failed because I couldn’t make something work or get the right result settles over me. I know He loves me but old habits kick back in and I starting digging my own ditch in the dessert instead of living in the fresh waters of God’s love. Tonight it felt like the refreshing cool drink I needed when God helped me hand over my pride. I’m not perfect and I probably will try and take it back at some point but for now I have more peace then I have felt in a long time . It isn’t a surface peace either. It’s the real kind that transcends understanding because I know I’m loved I also know the remaining money will come in when it died because of God’s goodness.
I’m glad I’m God’s personal project, I am glad He doesn’t fit in my box.
Thanks for reading. It is funny sometimes how easy it is to want God to be something I can fully unserstand. I still need $2,925. Please join me in praying for the rest of it to come. I want God to be glorified in this so much and I know He will not let me down. Please pray for me that the lessons I am learning now take root deeply in my heart. When I get back to America and start working for an income again, start paying off my school and car I want to have the right view of money. I never want it to have a hold over my life. I can not serve both God and money and I want to let it go.
