Being yourself can sometimes cause more pain then you want to admit. We all have aspects of our lives that we like to keep out of the limelight. We are quicker to point out our good qualities and hope that those outshine our dirt spots and things we are ashamed of.
We often try hard to imitate the qualities we admire in others and feel that we lack in ourselves. We learn short cuts and try to force good habits. For instance anyone that knows me, knows I am a cluttered person. I try really hard but I can’t help it sometimes. I am not a type A. It does not however give me an excuse to live like a slob. I am also not super organized or into making spreadsheets and sitting at a computer, it does not however give me permission to be a slacker at my job. Though I am bad at those things it helps me appreciate others who are good at them. For example having roommates who liked to clean and had systems that I learned healthy tricks from. Or coworkers who do feel better sitting at a desk and like documenting things, and they helped set up systems and ways to record things that helped me stay on top of it.
Having flaws doesn’t disqualify me though. Too often the fear of not being good enough has kept me from my dreams and even with this trip has caused me to waste time and not be as proactive in areas like fundraising. Not because I doubted it was what God had for me but because I doubted I was good enough to do it. I love support raising in a weird way it is humbling and also really cool. It is also really hard. Not being super organized by nature I have to really push myself to set a schedule and stick to it or set up deadlines. Especially when I have too much time for my own good. I work better under pressure. Weird but true. I hate long term assignments and just don’t have the attention span for rough drafts and edits. (Though I do know how important they are and value them.) Which is what leads me to this post.
I had wasted time, with excuses and fear I let a lot of valuable fundraising time go by. I was working hard at my job and moving, and have a long list of things that happened this summer, but I was not diligent with fundraising. The beginning of Sept hit and things got real. My deadline was coming and I had to take a hard look at myself. The ugly parts and had some tough conversations with Jesus. I confessed sin and rebuked lies and pushed forward. Everything else had lined up for this trip, my housing, supplies, plane tickets to training camp, my job. Everything was pointing this way and so I had to believe he was going to show up. Well it is never in the way you expect or imagine. I poured my heart into sending letters, a fundraiser, and talking to people more and more about my trip. I needed $5000 by the 28th. But it wasn’t coming in to a point where as of the 25th I only had $700 accounted for. I knew a few more checks were not accounted for, but I knew maybe I only had about $900.
The day before it was due I received a donation of $4300. Talk about God showing up. I didn’t deserve it and almost didn’t believe it. When I asked the person they said, “They were blessed to be a blessing.” And when I told my mom she goes, “Well am I surprised something like that could happen, maybe, am I surprised it happened to you? No. With Jesus anything is possible for you.”
Grace is truly humbling and I know, I already try to live my life unto the Lord but it is times like these where he shows up and reminds me just how loved I am. As I keep moving forward with fundraising and preparing for this trip it is comforting to know it is his will. It also helps squash fear about asking because it really is his money, his will and his timing. All he asks of me is obedience.
Thanks for reading, I hope this encourages you to keep taking steps of faith in your own life. Don’t let the things that you don’t like about yourself disqualify you from the plan God has for you. I could have given up. I mean it was the day before the deadline and a small part of me wanted to. The larger part of me knew better, I am not perfect but I serve a God who loves me as I am. I am blessed to be a blessing and I can’t wait to go to training camp, continue to raise the rest of the $18000 and prepare to go to the nations. God is so good!
