I did not want the life I have today. The life I envisioned was simply that; MY VISION. Friends and family all knew I loved Jesus, had a personal relationship with Him, and sought to be radically changed from the inside out. Kind of. I’ll get to that in a second.
Understandably, we all have an assortment of character limitations that inhibit us from fully embracing and enjoying the peace His love promises. I accepted Christ freshmen year of High School. This did not stop me from diving head first into everything this world had to offer, and thus, suffering the due penalties for my many errors and dabbling in the darkness. The remnants of this contamination is what led to the planting and nurturing of many unhealthy habits and confounding character limitations. This inevitably led to near death experiences and what many friends of mine refer to as “incomprehensible demoralization.”
I would not have done things differently. The wisdom gained from said experiences is far to valuable. The fact that I’m still alive, after all the debauchery and duplicitous variations of fear driven selfishness, is why I found a peaked interest in this mission for Him.
It all started when I began working at a local country club. My friend had began selling bracelets and cake balls to fund her trip. I remember asking her many questions and although intrigued, repelled by her innate peace and questionable levity. When she left and began blogging around the world I watched her life go by and was inspired, motivated, and mildly jealous of her apparent freedom.
God planted the desire to look into her trip and what it was all about. I contacted the organization twice to go through with the trip. Both times I was not ready nor in the place to embark in faith.
Last year I was in prayer in my shower tub and God spoke four very clear statements into my life:
1. I will not do what I want to do with you and your life while you’re in this relationship.
2. I will not do what I want to do with you and your life while you’re living this lifestyle.
3. I will not do what I want to do with you and your life while you’re working here.
4. and I cannot do what I want to do in your fathers heart while you’re financially attached to him in any way.
I remember looking up and saying “so what you’re saying is…” and laughing out loud… All the details here are currently irrelevant and I will get into that at some point in the future. Whats important for you to know is that I listened to Him. I was so exhausted trying to arrange an existence of luxury, comfort, happiness, and lust that I looked up and said, “I’m done… thy will be done.”
God said, “when you do what I’m asking you to do, it will serve purpose to everything I promise I will carry you through.”
And now I live happily ever after… not.
It has not been easy, in fact I rebelled against Gods will for me in multiple areas after agreeing to relinquish the delusion of control I had contrived.
Today I live in an old historic apartment building connected to a transitional living home in east Dallas where I get to serve and mentor.
Today I get to go to a weekly dinner with my close brothers in Christ at the home of my discipleship leader where we talk God and eat delicious food prepared by his wife.
Today I get to attend a weekly bible study with many of the same guys and go in depth into the Word that is radically decimating the lies of the enemy on a daily basis.
Today I get to attend multiple bible studies, prison ministry, and 12 step fellowships, where I simply show up with a sole aim to give back what was so freely given to me.
Today, I hear God from the mouths of multiple pastors around the world that speak truth in what many may consider the face of adversity in this world.
The life I get to live today, a year and a half later, is not what I wanted nor envisioned. Thank God for that. Thank God that I made a decision to do something different. Thank God that this difference was the end of me and the beginning of Him. Thank God for the beautiful souls that He placed in my life that point me back to Him. Thank God for discipleship and a God given ability to speak truth in love, with gentleness and respect. Thank God for everything that comes after giving Him complete control of my life.
I will continue to create a literary diatribe of my travels, experience, gifts of wisdom (applying knowledge) and convictions of the Holy Spirit. Hopefully this blog will inspire you the way multiple friends and acquaintances of mine wrote words like art on a canvas and inspired this direction to serve our Lord and savior. Please feel free to ask me anything and comment on my blog. It’s a blessing to share this love… I look forward to hearing about what God is doing in your lives and how, with all of us in this together, we can sharpen each other like iron.
