His hand extends toward me. It stays there, suspended in air, representing an invitation. An invitation to get up, to say yes, to let go of my worries, frustrations, & doubts, to DANCE.
I slowly reach out my own hand to meet his. His hand is warm & his invitation sincere. “Do you trust me?” he asks. I bite my lip in anticipation. “I do,” I say with determination. My eyes widen to match his as I feel something deep within me come alive. Something just changed. I’m certain of it. My heart begins to race at the thought of what I’m about to do. I’m going to do it, I think. I’m going to dance.
He tightens his grip around my hand which feels much smaller now that it’s in his. He looks deep into my eyes & a smile spreads across his face. His demeanor changes as he readies himself to escort me to the dance floor. I rise to my feet and before I know it, we’re off!
We were about as far from the dance floor as possible when we started & I knew that if we were going to dance to the song that was playing, we had a lot of ground to cover. We picked up our pace right as the song began to accelerate- it sounds Irish & has a beat that entices my soul & begs my feet to dance.
As we dart forward through the crowd of people, I begin to get more and more excited. Faces, colors, & smells flit past me at a rate that makes me feel like I’m flying. Blurred hues of red, orange, & yellow fill my peripheral vision. I feel like a sparrow in the fall taking wing for the first time. With every step I take, I notice myself caring less & less about the people watching me. The closer I get to the dance floor, the more I embrace who I am & what I’m doing.
Typically there are few things I can say with certainty about myself & what I believe to be true but the moment he grabbed my hand, my mind was filled with a sense of clarity that I’ve never experienced before.
Thoughts swim rapidly around my mind, “I am beautiful. I am known & loved. I am special. I am worthy. I am wanted. I am blessed & highly sought after.” My mind closes in on three facts: He is with me. He chose me. I never want to let go.
The music is growing louder and louder as he turns his head to look back on me. My mouth is agape in the biggest smile I’ve ever made and I’m laughing for no reason other than the fact that I am happy to be alive. I feel like there are fireworks exploding in my heart. The amount of excitement I have is almost unbearable.
He’s smiling at me. I don’t know what it was about myself that made him choose me but I am so glad that he did. What did I do to deserve this opportunity? Does it matter? I have it! I’m taking it! I’m doing this! He squeezes my hand as if he were agreeing with me. We are exactly in sync with one another. He looks forward again just in time to dodge a man that is standing in our way. We jump to the side & skip right onto the dance floor.
We made it! We’re here! Now it’s time to dance. He grabs me by the waist & whips me to the left in a move so quick I almost fall down. He catches me at the last second though & before I know it, we’re in the middle of the floor.
We’re jumping & sliding & stomping our feet. The live musicians are sitting on one side of the floor & in the second I take to look, I can tell that they are having just as much fun as the rest of us. The floor is full of people I’ve never met before & I can tell that no one knows the steps to the dance but with a quick survey of the room, I’m sure that nobody cares. We are all just here to celebrate. Everyone is ecstatic & exploding with joy.
I close my eyes as we spin around the room. I don’t need to see- my feet know the way.
As we continue to swirl around the room, I think back to earlier that night when he had first approached me- before I had agreed to dance.
I had been sitting on the outside of the room by myself with my eyes closed. I was overwhelmed by the images that had started to play through my mind. They’re memories- memories of every time I ever did something wrong, every time I messed something up or failed in some way. Unfortunately, this is normal for me- this personalized montage of sins whose job it is to remind me of why I’m a lesser human than the one next to me. I regularly think through them. Usually, by the time I’m done, I don’t exactly have the best opinion of myself.
This had become a routine in my head- every time something good happened, I would go through my montage & by the end of it choose to believe that the good thing wasn’t enough to outshine & change the habits of my past. At this point in my life, I’ve come to see my past as an immovable weight of sludge, muck, & grime. I picture myself underneath it all, clawing, & grasping for solid land- doing everything I can not to succumb to the deep hollows of despair that the filthy weight tends to bring with it.
But this time it’s different.
It’s different because of him. I’m not facing this alone.
Yes, it’s all the same scenes, characters, & details but this time something has changed. The feelings are gone. I don’t feel guilt, shame, depression or hatred. Instead, I start to file through a new set of images. I start to see smiling faces- they belong to every person I’ve ever loved. I see happy scenes from my childhood through to my young adult years. These new images are examples of blessings in my life & they are spilling abundantly before me.
I didn’t know it at the beginning of the night, but at that time, as I was sitting there with him, my heart was changing. I know in this moment that I have never been alone nor unwanted. He has always been with me. He has always cared. And he is here right now holding me close as we spin in and out of other couples around the room.
My eyes start to burn & a lump forms in my throat as I remember what happened earlier. He came out of nowhere and interrupted my thought process. I was in the midst of my sin montage when he appeared and asked if he could share something with me. I begrudgingly agreed & from there, he led me down a very difficult but necessary path.
As we dance on, I recap everything that he walked me through. In my head, once again, I watch closely, almost in disbelief, as the way in which I view myself starts to change.
When he sat down with me, he said he had a vision to share with me. It went like this: I’m in an space. The only thing in existence seems to be the color white. In the middle of all of the nothing is a pile of filth- it represents my shame, all of my sin, & my regrets. I’m lying in the midst of it all when he appears before me. He looks as if he’s happy to see me. I’m mortified. “I’m so sorry you have to see me like this! Please! Look away. I’ll get it cleaned up. Just give me a chance to clear all of this mess away. I’ll be ready for you soon!” I shout in desperation.
He doesn’t turn away. Instead, he kneels down. He looks me in the eyes & begins to shake his head. As he moves closer to my mess, he speaks to me, “Daughter, you are mine.” He begins to reach for me and without thinking, I put up my hand & shout, “No! You’ll get dirty!” He stops & leans back. He waits there a moment looking at me & my mess before addressing me, “Beloved, may I help you?”
His question takes me by surprise. I can feel the weight of my past on my back, holding me down, & pinning me to the floor just inches away from his knees. The question had never entered my mind. Help? I’d never seen it that way. All I’ve ever wanted was to be free of this muck & mess that was my past. I’ve been trying to clean it up for what feels like my entire life. Is that all it takes? Could he really do it? Could HE help clean me? Could HE set me free from this shame?
As tears begin rolling down my face, I muster all of the strength I have left in me & whimper one word, “yes.”
Instantly I am free. I look down at my struggling body as I try to get up. I’ve been down so long that I’ve forgotten how to stand. Without even asking, he is there helping me to my feet. At his touch, I feel whole. I feel like nothing in the world matters except for this moment right here & right now. He places me in front of himself and, smiling, imparts a single truth, “My Daughter, you are clean.” The vision ends there & suddenly, I’m back in the present. Back on the dance floor.
The world comes rushing back in a whirlwind & I realize a few things- I’ve started crying, we’ve stopped dancing, & he is holding me up on my feet. Amidst all of the music, shouting, & dancing, he speaks to me in a calm & fiercely unapologetic way, “Hephzibah,” we lock eyes & I remember that I first discovered this word in Isaiah 62. It’s a name that means “my delight is in her.”
He continues, “you are made new in me. I will never let you go. You are forever mine and all you have to do is follow me. Keep taking my hand. Keep listening to my voice. Have faith in me. I will take care of you for all eternity. I love you, Vashti. My dear Hephzibah, I have chosen you.”
My strength has returned seven-fold by the time he finishes speaking. He releases his grip as I step back & stand on my own. I feel a new energy about me- it feels like my veins are pumping with a current of power & electricity rather than blood. I am alive in every sense of the word. I turn my head to take in the scene around me & immediately realize that I can breathe deeply & think more clearly than ever before. I’m filled with love for everyone around me & I feel like I have purpose in every breath I take.
He takes back my hand in his & extends, again, his invitation, “come, dance with me.”
I danced that night. I’ll dance tonight. I’ll dance the next night & the night after that. There’s nothing else I would rather do in this whole entire world.
This was a very round-about way of explaining my journey thus far on the World Race. It started when I accepted God’s invitation to come on this amazing 11 month long mission trip. I had no idea what I was doing- I was sitting at the edge of a party bewildered by everything going on around me- but I was there. I had arrived. I came because I had been invited.
That’s all I had to do- I only had to show up. God took it from there.
In Haiti, Jesus showed up & sought me out. He found me in my place on the outskirts of the party & stooped down to reach me. He knew I wasn’t ready to dance yet so he stayed with me. He spoke to me in a way that I could understand. He introduced me to my problems & helped me as I struggled to not be overcome by them.
In Bolivia, he stayed with me every time I refused his help. Despite my unbearable misery, I stuck to my guns that month. My old wounds had been re-opened in an attempt to treat & heal them properly but I was lost, confused, & wanted to do the work myself (even though I had no idea what I was doing). Every time I told Jesus to get away & let me do the cleaning, he respected me. He never once left me alone though. He stayed there, kneeling patiently, awaiting the perfect moment to ask the question that changed my life, “may I help you?”
In Peru I struggled with whether or not I could accept his help. I didn’t want to dirty him with my mess. It sounds ridiculous but I didn’t want to burden the One dedicated to saving me by asking him to come and save me. All month long I went back and forth on this. Instead of getting irritated with me, he stayed by my side & revealed to me his never-ending love. That month I hiked to the top of 3 separate mountains, helped cook for & feed over 200 children 3 times a week, learned the importance of open & honest communication in community, continued to open up about my past & thus learned how to rely on & trust in people to help me when I need it, & for the first time in two years heard God’s voice. God worked that month to prepare my heart to hear the truth- He loves me & He was going to prove it.
In Ecuador I struggled heavily with my worth. At that point I had accepted that God loves me but I didn’t know why & I was terrified that at the drop of a hat, he would desert me. I had so many scars from the past that had me convinced that I would eventually no longer be interesting or good enough for him. I thought that like so many other times in my life, I would be left abandoned and used. God took his time coaching me through this and at the end of the month, I said yes. I said yes to him, to his salvation, to his all consuming grace & love. I said yes to following him, I said yes to becoming what he had originally created me to be. I said yes to all of him just as he had said yes to all of me every day of my life. I learned in Ecuador that there is NOTHING that can separate me from my Savior. He was and is so good to me. For a few years, I had slowly & then rapidly been accepting the “fact” that it’s a waste of time to have hopes and dreams. I had learned to give up on not giving up- God redeemed even this.
When I travelled to Baños, Ecuador over Christmas break with Alice, I made my first dream come true. Over a year beforehand, I had discovered the “Swing At The End Of The World” & told my best friend that I would go there before I died. On December 23, 2014, I climbed to the top of Casa del Arbol & overlooked the majestic scenery that rolled out before me. I got to swing to my heart’s content & for the first time in a while, I felt my heart opening up again. This trip meant so much more to me than site seeing. It meant that I could hope for something, dream about it, & then make it a reality.
Later that month in Ecuador, God reminded me of my strong desire to fly. As in, sprout wings & take off into the sky kind of flying. On New Year’s Day, during my team’s descent down the second highest active volcano on the earth (Cotopaxi in Cotopaxi, Ecuador), I looked up to the sky & something in my soul opened up. I’m still not sure whether or not this was from God, but all of a sudden “Learn to fly. Get a pilot’s license” ran through my head & found its place in my heart. So, I’ve started dreaming again. I’ve started allowing myself to hope for things.
Team changes at the end of our month in Ecuador was God setting the scene for his next move. At this point, we were done on the edge of the room. The time had come.
Month six brought on Malawi, Africa. Jesus stood up in front of me this month. He extended his hand to me & asked me whether or not I trusted him. I didn’t then, but I took his hand anyway. I trust him now. I am crying tears of gratitude on my way to the dance floor. Running full speed to a dance floor full of people I don’t know doing a dance I don’t know to a song I don’t know has been an overwhelming experience. The pain I went through this past month as I learned to take God’s hand, trust in, & follow him is nothing in comparison to the opportunities laying ahead of me. God has always had my best in mind and I’m finally at a point where he is revealing his best for me.
I’m about to find myself on the dance floor. This upcoming month is our second month in Africa- Zambia. My team will be preaching, partaking in “crusades”, & will be heavily involved in the local church. As we’ve discovered so far on the race, the information we’re provided with at the beginning of the month looks almost nothing like what actually happens. Thus, here I am. I’m running up to the dance floor- the only thing I’m sure of is the fact that I’m not going to let go of Jesus’ hand. My heart is racing. I’m terrified. I don’t know how to preach just like I didn’t know the song that was playing. I’m not sure what comes next in this crazy adventure God has brought me on, but I promise you this:
I am ready to dance.
I’ve been invited to dance with Jesus- but I’m not the only one. Do you feel a tug on your heart? Is your life not quite going the way you thought it would? Are you stuck in a rut? Do you want to give up? Have you given up? If so, know that it isn’t too late. You’re still early in the game. You still have time. Ask God today. What does he have for you? What is he inviting you to?
One more question to think about- when Jesus extends his hand to you (because he will), what are you going to do? Will you take it? My advice- trust him. Take his hand. Accept his invitation & go for it.
Thank you for reading! Please keep me in your prayers as I continue on this journey. It is so difficult but oh so worth the work.
Until next time,
~ Vashti W.
Personal update: I’m only $4,008 away from being fully funded! I need to have all donations in by March 1st in order to finish out the World Race. If you would like to donate, you can do so online through my blog. Just click the “support me!” link & follow the directions. Thank you all so much! This would be so much more difficult without everyone supporting me.
